


Fritillaria meleagris

by TsingaDark



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop & Tattoo Parlor, Angst, Bullying, Cheating, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Muse - Freeform, Non-Explicit Sex, Panic Attacks, SO MUCH FLUFF, Strangers to Lovers, Tattoo Artist Dan, Tattoos, a lot of random facts about plants, florist phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 62,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9324230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsingaDark/pseuds/TsingaDark
Summary: So far this whole thing with Phil had felt like a ride on a rollercoaster that would never stop and he had the feeling that he was losing control.But maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to enjoy the ride, revelling in the exhilarating freedom. And maybe, if Phil was there by his side then they could both be in control, sharing the responsibility of deciding where their journey would take them.or the one where Tattoo Artist Dan moves and opens up a tattoo parlour opposite Phil's flower shop.





	

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy have I got a lot to say about this monster of a fic
> 
> first of all, I originally wrote this for the pbb last year but didn't post it due to various reasons. I have edited and rewritten quite a lot of it since then as I wasn't really happy with it. I've got this love/hate relationship with this fic and I don't think I'll ever be able to decide if I actually like it or not.
> 
> I put a lot of effort/time/work into this. It took me 6 months to write this and is, to this date, the longest fanfic I've ever written. Just for that fact alone I decided to post it, even though I didn't really want to at first. 
> 
> Anyway, I want to thank the two people who've beta read parts of this fic [palesuitwombat](http://palesuitwombat.tumblr.com/) and [pegasusphan](pegasusphan.tumblr.com). I also want to thank my irl friends who've listened to me complaining about this fic and esp that one friend who read it despite not really liking reading stuff in English, you're a gem. 
> 
> Also much thanks to my bf who helped me a lot, esp with the tattoo stuff as I've unfortunately not gotten a tattoo yet. 
> 
> Obviously, the opinions stated in this fic are the character's opinions, not my own. 
> 
> Lastly, I know emotional/psychological abuse is a delicate topic and I hope that I don't offend anyone with my depiction of it. If you feel like there's anything that's inaccurate, feel free to point it out to me. 
> 
> (I listened to TOP's Vessel the whole time while editing, I feel like I've absorbed that album)

_ Fritillaria meleagris,  _ the chequered lily. In Phil’s opinion this plant did not nearly get as much attention as it should. The nutant, pink and purple-brown chequered flower that also rarely grew in white form made a smile appear on his face whenever he looked at it. 

Roses, tulips, chrysanthemums, all were nothing compared to this beautiful flower that withered all too fast but lit up Phil’s garden in its time of bloom. If Phil were a poet, he would’ve written poems about this flower. If he were an artist, he would’ve painted thousands of paintings on all available surfaces. As it was, he could only take a photo and get it printed onto a canvas to hang it up in his shop. If he only had a few days to marvel at the actual, real flower in his garden, he at least wanted to be able to admire it on his wall for the rest of the year. Also, he was pretty sure that at least some of his guests would appreciate this as well.

He could all too clearly remember the day when he had first laid eyes on the chequered lily. It’d been three months after he’d turned seven and their teacher had given them the homework to write about different flowers and how to take care of them. Phil, a very curious child, had been excited about this new task and had dragged his mum with him into their garden. He had asked about all the flowers that were starting to bloom and then he had seen this beautiful pink flower that had kind of looked like it was sad. Phil couldn’t stand someone being unhappy and he had asked his mum if this flower had had a bad day to which she had smiled and told him that it had always looked that way. In that moment, Phil promised himself that he would make this flower feel better, no matter the cost, and so he wrote a story about the chequered lily and how it became joyful again. Of course, since this hadn’t been the task at all, his teacher, in turn, hadn’t been very pleased with him, even though Phil couldn’t quite understand why. For the two following months straight Phil became more and more obsessed with flowers, trying to learn everything he could about them, and eventually that turned into an ever-present love for all plants.

Phil only noticed how submerged he was in his own thoughts, staring at the picture of the chequered lily at the other side of the room, when Rachel nudged him with her foot so he almost fell over. Since he’d just had his hands buried deep in a flower pot, some of the soil was now distributed all over the floor around him. He looked up at her and glared but it took only a couple of seconds until that frown turned into a smile. 

“I thought I had employed you to help me and not to shove me around,” he said, standing up and wiping his hands on his already dirty trousers.

“And I thought you wouldn’t leave all the work to me,” Rachel replied calmly. She’d secured her dark-brown hair in a ponytail at the back of her head but a few strands of it had fallen out of the hair tie and now framed her tanned face. 

Phil looked around. As always it wasn’t busy at all. That was the curse of living in a small town which seemed to house more cafés than actual people. Phil was glad that he’d had the ingenious idea of combining a flower shop with a café on an uneventful night at 3 am. That made his shop special, a rarity. Even if that concept had seemed easier to realise at that point than it had actually been, he wouldn’t change it one bit if he could turn back time. He loved flowers and he loved coffee, so a combination of both of those things was like a dream come true.

“What work?” Phil asked and grinned at his employee. Phil had realised shortly after opening his store that it was impossible to maintain the place all by himself, even if he’d always liked his independence. Unfortunately, he could neither split himself into two nor clone himself to work at the coffee machine and the flower pots at the same time - not for lack of trying though.

Upon his notice looking for help, only a few people had actually put in a C.V. Two, to be precise. Rachel and Robert. Both immediately came across as very likeable and so Phil had employed both of them. That way he didn’t have to worry if one of them wanted to have an additional free day.

Since then he had ascertained that it was considerably more pleasant to not be alone. Of course, the work had been fun before as well, but sometimes he found himself in moments like this and lost himself deep in his thoughts. He was glad that he had someone around to pull him back to reality.

Over the course of the first year since the shop had been opened – they’d just passed the one year anniversary – Rachel and he had become good friends. Even though some people saw it as weird and borderline disgusting that an eighteen-year-old girl and an almost thirty-year-old man were friends, Phil didn’t see it like that. He didn’t want work to consist of cold and unfriendly work-relationships so he tried to have a good connection with everyone, which obviously included Rachel.

“In contrast to you, there are at least a few people in my part of the shop,” Rachel replied and looked at him with one raised eyebrow.

“Well then, back to work,” Phil laughed and crouched down when Rachel went to hit him with the tea towel that had been hanging from her apron.

“I could say the same to you,” she replied and stuck her tongue out at him, then turned around and went back to the counter, which was decorated with orchids at both sides. Generally, the plants weren’t limited to the flower part of the shop in which Phil stood at the moment. The entire shop was strewn with different plants in any shape or form. They were Phil’s pride and joy, combined with his garden and apartment of course, in which it sometimes felt like a jungle. He couldn’t help it though. Every time he saw a lonely plant, he couldn’t just leave it behind. He had to take it with him. He didn’t have a problem! He was just nice.

The two different parts of the shop weren’t separated but there were still two entrances so that the guests wouldn’t have to go through the café or the flower shop first to get to where they actually wanted to go. Phil had been incredibly happy when he had stumbled across the vacant shop. He couldn’t have found a better fitting building.

Phil was repotting a plant when the bell above the entrance to the café chimed, announcing either a customer coming in or leaving. Since the café and the flower shop had different bells, Phil didn’t turn around to look which was the case. Either way, he was too occupied with the enormous houseplant currently in his hands.

After he had successfully repotted said houseplant, he straightened up and sighed as his back popped. He walked over to the sink, which was hidden in the sternmost corner, and tried to wash away the dirt from his hands with as much water and soap as he could manage, even though he knew that it was pointless. He could never get rid of the dirt underneath his fingernails, as was the curse of every gardener. 

As Phil was sweeping his fringe out of his eyes, he made himself a mental note to put up a mirror above the sink. He was about eighty percent sure that he had again managed to smear dirt on his face. He turned around to ask Rachel for help, who would undoubtedly laugh at him at first but would then help him, when he noticed the person leaning against the counter. He was talking to Rachel but, obviously absorbed in thought, his gaze was caught on Phil’s favourite Orchid, reaching for one of the leathery leaves. 

What gained Phil’s attention though, were the tattoos. If he was being completely honest, he didn’t really like tattoos. He didn’t mind them so much on other people but when he thought about the colour sitting permanently under the skin until death, it filled him with unease. He had to admit though that it looked quite fitting on this man. It suited him in a way that Phil had difficulties imagining him without them. 

His short chocolate-coloured hair was styled similarly to Phil’s, only with the fringe the other way, and it looked incredibly soft, something that Phil had never been able to achieve with his own hair. He looked kind of nonchalant, the way he was leaning on the counter and dressed completely in black, like someone who’d be in a band. Maybe he  _ was  _ in a band. 

Suddenly, the man laughed about something that Rachel had just said and his loud but genuine laugh made Phil unconsciously smile. He didn’t even notice he was staring as he just stood there, right amidst all the flowers.

Phil’s gaze got caught on the man’s arms and specifically the tattoos, which he couldn’t clearly see from this distance. Phil pushed his glasses up his nose - they had a tendency to never stay where they should - but then the man took his coffee cup, smiled broadly at Rachel, which made her blush so much that Phil could see it even from this distance, and left the café. He didn’t know why but all of a sudden he was really intrigued as to what kind of tattoos exactly the guy had on his arms.

It took a few seconds for Phil to tear his gaze away from the closed door and to hurry over to where Rachel was, who stood with her back to him. When she turned around, she flinched and then started laughing. “Dear God, Phil. Were you a ninja in your previous life?” Her cheeks were still tinted a slight pink colour and a smile had taken permanent residence on her face.

“Who was that?” Phil asked to get to the point immediately. He knew that it was futile to beat around the bush. Rachel would look through that straight away.

“Oh, did you see something you like?” she asked and smirked.

Phil looked at her impatiently. “Bear in mind that I’m still your boss,” he said. “I can fire you anytime.”

“You wouldn’t find anyone able to handle your weirdness,” she replied calmly. “Generally finding someone new here would be bloody difficult.”

Phil sighed. She knew as well as him that he would never fire her. “Will you answer my question or do I have to threaten to cut your salary first?” Without thinking about it, he leant forwards against the counter and reached for the orchid. Its red speckled petals gleamed in the sunlight that fell through the vitreous door and the big windows that lined the front of the shop. He stroked one of the leathery leaves. When Rachel suddenly coughed loudly, he started up. She grinned at him knowingly.

“His name’s Dan and he just opened up his shop opposite yours,” she said eventually.

Phil hadn’t even noticed that someone had moved in there. It must’ve happened over the weekend, which he had spent in his garden, sprucing up his flowerbeds.

“What kind of shop?”

Rachel looked at him with one raised eyebrow. “I think that should be obvious, shouldn’t it?” she replied. “Especially considering how you stared at him.”

“I didn’t stare at him!” Phil exclaimed indignantly.

Bugger, maybe he shouldn’t have denied that so fast.

“And I’m father Christmas,” Rachel laughed while she stroked her non-existent beard. “I could see from here how you stared at his arms and I didn’t even look in your direction.”

“And I could see from back there how red your cheeks grew when he smiled at you.” That was a pretty low blow but Phil had the feeling that this Dan had had almost the same effect on both of them.

“Well, what can I say, it doesn’t happen every day that a good looking bloke strolls in here and flirts with me,” she said and turned around to the coffee machine. 

Phil couldn’t stop himself from smiling as well. Maybe he should take a step back and see how things continued with Rachel and this Dan guy. He liked seeing her this happy.

“He seemed to obviously like you,” Phil said honestly. He had no idea how old this Dan was but he’d looked like he was in his early twenties and Rachel had turned eighteen half a year ago. 

Rachel’s smile vanished when she turned around. “Seriously?” Her eyebrows tightened as she looked at him. 

Suddenly, she walked around the counter and placed her hands on his arms. She was about a head shorter than him, but she fixed him with a gaze that clearly said not to disagree.

“Phil, you’re the most selfless person I know. You’re too good for this world,” she said and hugged him suddenly.

Phil didn’t quite get what was going on but hugged her back regardless.

“I don’t know with what I’ve deserved that,” he replied and let go of her.

“You haven’t even spoken to Dan yet but are clearly interested in him, and you still want to take a step back for me,” Rachel explained. “Anyone could call themselves lucky to have you in their lives. And I think Dan would feel the same.”

She smiled and rose up on her tiptoes to pinch his cheek. “I mean, just look at yourself.”

“I’ve no idea what that means,” Phil said confused. “But that reminds me that I absolutely have to buy a mirror.”

Rachel shook her head. “You’re hopeless,” she said and walked back behind the counter, where she continued whatever she’d started earlier. 

“Besides, Dan isn’t really my type.”

“You’re not into the dark, mysterious guys?” Phil joked.

Rachel put a mug of coffee down in front of Phil and pointed to it. He took a small sip of it and winced as he immediately burned his tongue. It had a nice caramel flavour though. 

“The part with the penis is more of a problem,” she said with a completely straight face.

Phil choked on the coffee and started coughing violently. His eyes started to tear up and Rachel leant across the counter to softly hit him on the back.

“Sorry,” she said and shrugged. She obviously wasn’t sorry at all that Phil had almost died choking on his coffee. Actually, death through coffee wouldn’t be such a bad departure. Although, pancakes with syrup would definitely be better.

“You have him all for yourself,” she patted his shoulder, “Back to work,” she said and winked at him. Then she leant across the counter again and swept her hand across Phil’s forehead. “A mirror is a good idea, by the way,” she added and left him to collect empty cups from an older couple that had made themselves comfortable at a window table.

Phil was lost in thought, looking at the building across the street. He hadn’t noticed before but now he could clearly see the new sign that had been put up above the previously vacant shop and read  _ Ink Is Not On Fire  _ in black writing on a grey background. Phil wondered what the story behind the name was and decided to ask Dan the next time he saw him, if he could summon up the courage.

*

Dan sat down on his brand new couch, the material creaking softly under his movements due to it having hardly been used. Like the rest of the furniture in his tiny apartment, he had bought it shortly before moving in, which had only been a week ago.

He sighed, raking a hand through his no doubt slightly curly hair. He cast a look around his living room, across the shelf that hardly housed anything apart from a few books here and there because he hadn’t been able to bring himself to actually put anything in it, across the white walls, looking bare without any photographs or paintings on them.

This was where he would live for the foreseeable future and he couldn’t help but feel lonely at the prospect of spending his time in this godforsaken small town, in this stupid apartment all by himself. He didn’t really have a problem being on his own, he’d lived by himself after school just fine. But after –  _ no _ . He didn’t want to think about  _ him _ . He didn’t want to waste any more seconds of his life on him. Not after everything that had happened.

Again Dan could feel himself growing frustrated and he quickly shoved all those unhappy and hurtful thoughts to the back of his mind where they would hopefully stay hidden for the rest of eternity. Instead, he thought about his first week in this new town, having met more people already than in London where he had lived before. Most residents seemed to be overly polite however and were probably talking about him the second he had turned his back to them. He wasn’t quite sure whether he’d like to be completely ignored instead or not. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things lately, to be honest.

He sighed again and got up to make himself dinner but when he opened the fridge, he realised that he hadn’t bothered to go food shopping yesterday as he’d been too tired, and therefore didn’t have anything to eat. Frustrated and a little bit annoyed with himself, he closed the fridge again, probably a bit more forcefully than necessary, and opened his laptop to look for a place that delivered food. Of course, since he now lived in a small town, he only found one place which had even worse reviews than the fast food place he’d used to go to in London. Not really in the mood for anything, he called in and ordered a pizza with some kind of meat on it and a bottle of coke as he had nothing to drink either.

While waiting for the food to arrive, he sat down on the sofa again, this time with his laptop on his lap to browse the internet. He lost himself in the infinite scrolling down his dashboard until a drawing of a flower appeared and he stopped short, letting his eyes roam over the delicate lines and splashes of colour. Images of yesterday appeared before his eyes, of him walking into the café opposite his tattoo parlour that had turned out to be a flower shop as well. The coffee had been amazing but that wasn’t the reason why this fluttery feeling in his stomach seemed to appear out of nowhere. Even as he tried to shove that feeling away, to blame it on him being hungry, the florist sneaked unwantedly into his thoughts. Dan hadn’t talked to him and he didn’t think it was a good idea either, but he couldn’t help but think that the other guy had looked kind of... cute, with his ridiculous brightly coloured apron, the black rimmed glasses and the smudge of soil on his forehead. He had only managed to catch a quick glance of him while walking into the café but somehow that fleeting sight of him had become clearer over the course of the day.

Even though the barista had been very attractive – although she did seem a bit too young for him – with her sharp nose, plump lips and her blushing due to his compliment, his thoughts weren’t occupied by her one bit. Of course, Dan had known that he was bisexual pretty much since he’d been born – albeit a few confusing moments where he thought to be either gay or straight – but normally he had a preference for women and it seemed kind of strange to him to be thinking about the florist instead of the barista.

Either way, it was only a small attraction, nothing more. He was sure that if he actually spoke to the guy, he would turn out to be the exact opposite of what Dan liked. Even though Dan didn’t really know anymore what it was that he actually liked. 

The loud ringing of the bell startled him out of his thoughts. To avoid thinking about, well, anything really, he put on the TV while eating and watched some kind of baking program for the rest of the evening until he fell asleep on the couch.

*

Dan was proud of himself. He’d gotten up at a decent time, cleaned the apartment and was now on his way to the supermarket. The delivery meals he’d had the days before had been rank and he definitely did not want that experience again tonight, so food shopping it was.

The supermarket was relatively small, but considering the size of the town that wasn’t very surprising. As long as he was able to find everything that he needed, he didn’t care if it was a small or big shop anyway. The only downside to its size was that the supermarket didn’t deliver which Dan had gotten quite used to during his time in London. Though, he supposed that was kind of a good thing as well, since he didn’t go outside much and food shopping would force him to do so.

He grabbed a basket and started in the ready meal section where he picked up some instant noodles and a few microwave dishes. He went into the dairy section and was deciding if he should pick up some cheese or not as he heard a familiar voice.

“What do you mean, you don’t know what feta is?”

Dan turned around and saw Rachel, the barista from the café opposite, stood next to a guy who cluelessly looked at two packets of cheese in his hands. His dark blonde hair was rather short, too short for Dan’s tastes, as it reminded him of the bullies in school who used to push him into walls in the hallways for no apparent reason.

“This is too fancy for where I come from.”

“We literally grew up in the same street,” Rachel said, with one of her hands on her hips. “Now, give that to me.” She took one of the packets from his hands and let it fall into the basket dangling from her other arm. As she turned around she spotted Dan looking at them.

“Oh hey,” she said, walking towards Dan who automatically tensed up. “Dan, right?” Rachel smiled at him. The guy, who was with her, seemed not to quite know if he should follow her or rather leave.

“Yeah, that’s me,” he said, smiling back awkwardly.

“Was the coffee so bad you didn’t wanna come back?” Rachel said jokingly, and even though Dan knew that she didn’t mean what she’d said, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. Before he could justify himself – not that he would’ve told her about all of his problems – the guy joined the conversation.

“Oh, so you’re the guy Phil’s been talking about?”

As soon as the words had left his mouth, Rachel elbowed him in his stomach, hard.

“Ouch, what was that for?” he whined.

“Can you keep your mouth shut at all?” The guy looked confused at Dan and then at Rachel.

“Oh, this is Robert, by the way,” Rachel explained. “Although, I don’t think you want to get to know him, he can be a bit daft from time to time.”

“Oi!” Robert exclaimed. “That’s not a nice thing to say about your mate!”

Dan was terribly confused. Who the hell was this Phil guy? Dan couldn’t remember talking to anyone with that name. And why didn’t Rachel want Robert to talk about him?

“Who’s Phil?” he asked as the two of them seemed to continue the argument through stares.

“No one,” Rachel answered at the same as Robert said “Our boss.”

Rachel went to hit him on the arm. “Will you shut up!” she exclaimed and Dan felt like he should get what the heck was going on.

“Wait a minute,” Dan said and as soon as the words had left his mouth both of them looked at him with wide eyes. ”Do you mean your boss in the café? I didn’t even meet him.”

“He’s the boss but he mostly works in the flower shop,” Robert said and this time Rachel only rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like ‘incorrigible’.

_ Oh _ . So Phil must be the florist that Dan saw when he was in the shop? He hadn’t noticed Phil even looking at him, but apparently he had and he was talking about him to his employees. Dan wondered what exactly Phil thought about him if he had left such a lasting impression without them ever having talked. 

“I think it’s time to go,” Rachel said hurriedly and grabbed a handful of Robert’s t-shirt. ”It was nice to see you again, Dan!” she exclaimed while rushing off, dragging Robert with her and leaving Dan stood before the cheese shelf. Confused he turned around to look at the cheese again but his thoughts were with Phil. Now that he had a name to the face, Phil seemed more real somehow, more tangible, and it scared Dan. He felt torn between wanting to run away from this and wanting to get to know Phil.

In the end, he decided to get some Gouda but forgot half of the things he’d also wanted to buy.

*

Phil was terribly out of his depth.

Rachel had called him in the morning, voice barely there, to tell him between coughs that she couldn’t possibly work today. That in itself wasn’t a problem; Rachel hardly ever took a day off due to illness and even if she did, for that case Phil had two employees after all. The problem was that Robert had taken off this exact week to go on holiday in France. Therefore, Phil was forced to manage both shops on his own. He certainly couldn’t afford to close up for the day, even if he wanted nothing more but spend the day in his garden.

He swept his fringe out of his eyes and noticed that his forehead felt sticky. Great, he was definitely too stressed if he had sweated that much already.

He was putting away used cups into the dishwasher when he saw from the corner of his eye the last two guests signalling him to come over. He didn’t bother closing the dishwasher and immediately regretted it when he bumped into it in passing. He suppressed a curse and instead put on a smile, acting as if nothing had happened. There was no point in getting upset over it now. As soon as the two older ladies at table number four had vanished, he could close the shop for the day and, after cleaning up, fall into bed face first, pitying himself.

The two women asked for the bill and Phil hurried back towards the counter to call up the order on the touch screen and print out the receipt. The already way too strenuous day got worse when the women gave him the exact amount that was stated on the receipt, with deprecative stares, and got up without saying a word.

Phil had gotten little to no tips in his life but that didn’t mean that he liked it. In fact, it irritated him immensely that these two women, who didn’t even know him, judged him for working his butt off the whole day and therefore maybe not looking all too fresh anymore.

He forced a smile on his lips anyway and wished them a wonderful day, but turned around immediately so he could go get a tray for the cups and dessert plates.

As he was loading up the tray with the used dishes, the loud ringing of the bell announced the two women leaving the café. Phil reached for one of the coffee cups and noticed that the beverage looked untouched.

“What the hell?” he murmured and smelled the coffee. The bitter but comforting smell calmed him down to some degree as it was wont to do. Maybe one of the woman just hadn’t liked this particular blend of coffee, or there was another perfectly reasonable explanation for the untouched beverage. 

As soon as he had put everything on the tray, he turned around to hurry back to the counter. But before he had reached it even halfway, or had managed to look up for that matter, he collided with something big.

It kind of felt like a scene from a movie as he watched the tray slip out of his hands in slow motion and it tilted forwards with the dishes on it, the loud sound of breaking ceramic echoing through the almost empty café a millisecond later.

Out of reflex, Phil swore. Everywhere around him were broken pieces of crockery, mixed with the previously untouched coffee that, for the most part, had splattered onto the person in front of him.

Phil looked up, directly into the surprised face of Dan, whom he hadn’t seen since Monday last week.

“Oh God!” Phil said, feeling rooted to the spot, “I’m so sorry!“ He tore the dish towel from his apron and started pressing it onto Dan’s t-shirt, which worked as well as trying to squeezing water from a dry sponge. Why did things like this always have to happen to him? Sometimes he felt like a certain someone had made clumsiness his most prominent feature.

“No problem,” He heard Dan laugh. ”Luckily it was only cold coffee,“ he added and stopped Phil’s hectic movements by grabbing his wrist. His long, slender fingers felt cold on Phil’s skin. 

“I really am sorry,” Phil repeated and slowly let his gaze wander upwards over Dan’s wet t-shirt to his face, where he found an amused smile. Phil smiled back immediately, but not without wincing at realising how much of the coffee had actually made its way onto Dan’s clothes. 

“It wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have stood in your way,” Dan replied. “I did see you coming my way, after all.” He crouched down and started picking up the broken pieces of the coffee cups.

“Stop!” Phil could already see before his inner eye how Dan would accidentally cut himself. He really couldn’t let that happen. 

Dan stopped abruptly and looked at Phil, his eyes widening. “What?”

“You’ll hurt yourself,” Phil said, gesticulating at the shards all around them. “Let me get the broom.”

“Okay.” Dan’s shoulders slumped as Phil passed him and walked towards the counter. There was a door next to it that led directly into a spacious store room out of which Phil fetched a broom as well as a mop to clean up the spillage later. When he came back, Dan had already gotten up again and stood next to the shard-puddle, his hands buried in the front pocket of his jeans.

Phil started sweeping up the remains of mugs and plates while Dan bent down and picked out the dessert forks, which looked positively tiny in his hands. Awkward silence predominated between them but Phil couldn’t think of a single thing to say and it seemed that neither could Dan. Or Dan didn’t want to talk to Phil, which was a possibility as well. He had upended an entire coffee on him after all. 

After Phil had put everything into the trash can, he relieved Dan of the forks and chucked them into the sink behind the counter. He hoped he’d remember to put them into the dishwasher later. 

“Thank you,” Phil said as he took the broom and leant it against the wall next to the door leading to the store room. “You didn’t have to help.”

Dan shrugged. “Like I said, it was as much my fault as it was yours. Besides, I would’ve had to wait even longer.”

“For what?“ Phil asked, feeling hot all of a sudden. He became aware of how he was probably looking: sweaty, with dark circles under his eyes and probably dirt on his face. He still hadn’t had the time to buy a mirror and while it normally didn’t bother him at all, he suddenly felt self-conscious.

“I didn’t come here just to literally bump into you,” Dan said with a grin. “I actually wanted to buy coffee.”

Phil felt his cheeks heat. Of course, Dan hadn’t come here because of him. Why would he? He didn’t even know Phil. And still, the knowledge that Dan had only come over to get a cup of coffee made disappointment rise up in him. 

“Of course,“ Phil said and quickly washed his hands before reaching for one of the paper cups. “To go?” 

“Yes, please.”

“What kind of coffee do you want exactly?” Phil asked, taking a black sharpie and writing Dan’s name as well as drawing a tiny sun next to it on the cup. It was only after he had put the sharpie away that he realised what he had just done. Normally Phil drew something small on every to-go-cup, just to possibly brighten up the customer’s day, but he was certain that it had to look weird in this situation.

“A cappuccino with caramel syrup, please.”

As Phil was preparing the hot beverage silence settled between them once more. He felt the urge to say something but again couldn’t think of a single thing except for telling Dan the price of the coffee. When Dan gave him the money, their hands touched for the fraction of a second and Phil avoided Dan’s gaze as he knew he’d go completely red-faced otherwise. He was absolutely positive that he looked as embarrassed as he felt, so he quickly turned around again to add the syrup to the coffee. 

He placed the cup on the counter and Dan immediately took it, his hands practically engulfing the paper cup. 

“Thanks,” he said and smiled so hard that dimples appeared. For the first time since they had bumped into each other, Phil took the time to really look at Dan and try to memorise him. He was usually utterly horrible with remembering names and linking faces to them but as his gaze swept over Dan’s dimple, he knew he would never be able to quite forget him, even if this were to be the last time they saw each other. 

Phil felt like a character in one of those stupid romance novel his mum was always reading but he couldn’t help and think Dan’s most striking feature to be his brown eyes. They lit up with his smile and accentuated the piercings under his lower lip. Phil wasn’t an expert when it came to piercings but he thought they were called snakebites. He was absolutely gorgeous.

Phil only noticed that he was staring again when Dan lifted an eyebrow - incidentally the pierced one. “Um, you’re welcome,” Phil stuttered and shot him a quick smile.

Dan just snorted quietly and lifted his coffee cup a little before turning around. He’d almost made his way to the door when Phil realised that Dan didn’t even know his name yet.

“I’m Phil, by the way,” he called and immediately cringed.

Dan looked back at Phil over his shoulder. “It was nice to meet you, Phil,” he said and winked at him. A moment later he had disappeared.

Phil sighed and slumped forward on the counter. He couldn’t have made a weirder first impression if he’d tried. But then again, he always was a little bit weird so it couldn’t have been that bad. 

Thinking about Dan and their encounter, he started mopping up the spilled coffee and then cleaned the entire floor after wiping all of the tables and the counter. Happy with the way everything looked, he quickly watered some of the plants, locked up the shop and let himself into his apartment, which was luckily right next door to his store.

It was only when he was standing in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, that he realised that Dan hadn’t been fazed one bit by Phil writing his name onto the cup even though Dan had never told Phil his name.

He didn’t think any further about that, however, because as soon as he had lain down on the bed, he fell asleep. He dreamt about a gorgeous smile and chocolate-coloured hair that felt incredibly soft underneath his fingertips.

*

Dan really wanted to hit himself right now. In the face. With a chair. Or fling himself at the sun and perish in the chromosphere.

Good thing that Dan was never overly dramatic. 

And still, why had he thought it to be a good idea to go back to the café just to talk to Phil? Had he seriously thought that he was ready for something new? He’d just moved for a fresh start but at this moment he couldn’t help but regret all those choices he’d made. These people knew nothing about him and, what was even more significant, that went both ways. While that was certainly good in many regards, Dan didn’t feel like getting to know new people and opening up to them in the process. He felt drained and exhausted just by his job alone. It took so much more energy out of him than it used to, back when his world had still been okay.

Even though his state of mind had improved vastly in the last few weeks, he wasn’t back to his old self yet, if that was even what he wanted.

Wasn’t a fresh start supposed to make everything better and put everything into the right order?

Instead, he felt trapped by all these new possibilities and choices when he couldn’t even decide what to have for dinner. How was he supposed to make up his mind about Phil, when he didn’t know what he felt?

Could it be that the interest he felt towards Phil was purely the want to be friends with him? Had he gone back to the café to befriend Phil then or had it been for a different reason?

Whatever it was that he had thought, it was rubbish. If the feeling in his stomach - a mix between butterflies and monsters that tried to claw their way out of his belly - was anything to go by, he was going to like Phil more than a friend. As experience had shown him, he couldn’t for the life of him control his feelings and they always clouded his judgement. Him going to the café had proven this again.

So why had he gone there? He wasn’t ready for a new relationship, not for something serious anyway, and he definitely wasn’t the one-night stand type. For him, it was all or nothing.

Maybe he had a tendency to ruin his own life. That would certainly explain why he would flirt with someone despite having promised himself not to talk to or even look at anyone that way for a long time because it was  _ too soon _ and he couldn’t deal with those kinds of emotions right now.

The problem was, though, that even while remembering that promise he had made to himself while lying on the couch crying with an empty bottle of whiskey on the table, he physically couldn’t make himself look away from that warm smile that was directed at him. Which showed even more evidently that he obviously wanted to ruin his own life. Even now he could see Phil smiling at him clearly in his mind and it made his stomach churn and his head swim. He didn’t want this. He moved to this town to start over again, to build up a life for himself,  _ on his own _ .

Dan flopped down on the sofa and mindlessly turned on the TV, not even watching the screen. Instead, he eyed the whiskey bottle that he had stowed away under the table after he had bought it. He hadn’t even wanted to buy it but habit had made him pick it up. Was that how far he had sunk? Drinking away any problems until there was nothing left to think about, only a pleasant buzz, making him sleepy?

Why was it that only a few months ago he couldn’t stay away from his ex and now that he so desperately wanted to get away as far as possible, he still kept coming back, ruining everything for Dan?

He should know better than to like a guy that he knew nothing about. He should know better than to flirt with a guy that he had just met. He should know better in general, but as he reached for the whiskey bottle he realised that he didn’t know better. He always fell for the wrong person.

At age 10 it had been a girl with a violent streak who had beat up everyone on the playground that simply looked her way. At age 13 it had been another girl who had made Dan drink and smoke weed, despite him not even wanting to. At age 16 it had been Alex. Thinking about him made Dan feel even sicker and he let go of the whiskey bottle, nudging it back into place with his foot after lying down on the sofa.

Phil could be just like him. Manipulating, heart-breaking, cold-blooded. He did have the same sunny smile and nice attitude that Alex used to have, that made Dan fall for him. Of course, Phil didn’t have the tattoos or piercings as far as Dan could tell, but before Alex Dan had always thought that people with ink under their skin and metal in their ears were the nicest people of all. But then again, he had always been a poor judge of character.

The thing that really differentiated Alex and Phil from one another were their friends. Granted, Dan had only met Rachel and Robert so far, who were also both Phil’s employees, but they seemed to know Phil pretty well regardless. Heck, Phil had even talked to them about him, so that must mean something. Or maybe that only meant that Phil didn’t have any other friends apart from the people he literally paid to be around him.

Dan sighed. No matter how much he pondered about this, he wouldn’t come to a decent solution. He could spend hours lying on this couch, thinking about how much his life sucked and how confused he was, but it wouldn’t actually change anything.

He tried to concentrate on the telly instead but it was a show on that didn’t interest him one bit, so he turned off the TV and went to bed. He slept fitfully that night, tossing and turning, like he did most nights.

*

_ Seven years earlier _

_ Apparently, it was one of those days where Dan got shoved into a wall as soon as he’d entered the school building. It would probably be the most harmless thing to happen to him that day. _

_ He hated days like this. Well, he actually despised all days he had to go to school, but times like this made it especially difficult for him. He wasn’t even doing anything in particular to attract the bullies - apart from being a little too awkward and too nerdy. Also, from the eyes of his tormentors, he hung with the wrong people, the ‘weak ones’, whatever that was supposed to mean. _

_ He would never understand why anyone bullied anyone. Why couldn’t people just be nice once in a while and take out their frustrations on an actual punching bag, instead of mistaking a human being for one? Though he definitely did not have a perfect life whatsoever and was often frustrated to no end, he certainly had never thought about hitting anyone - well, maybe apart from the people bullying him. _

_ He was sitting in a semi-secluded area next to the sports ground, the only place no one ever bothered to go, not even the most strict teachers who were always looking for pupils to punish for being somewhere they shouldn’t be. There were hardly any places anymore Dan could go to be on his own, especially in school, and he was glad that he was left in peace here, at least, so he could enjoy his sandwich and not worry about Billy - or William as his actual name was - and his ‘gang’ beating him up. _

_ The sun was shining, making him sweat in his too warm uniform so he took the jacket off, careful not to accidentally lay it down in the dirt as that would surely earn him a detention if a teacher noticed. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and loosened his tie, leaning back on his arms so he could enjoy the sun. Good weather like this never stayed too long in England, mostly being swapped with clouds and rain after a short period of time. _

_ As soon as he heard voices coming closer, though, he leapt up and began gathering his stuff. He should’ve known the peace wouldn’t last. Shit, he really needed to get going before someone caught him here. Even if it was just two lovebirds looking for a secluded spot, he didn’t want anyone to know this was where he went to be on his own. _

_ It was too late, though. He saw Billy and his so-called friends round the corner just as Dan was stuffing his lunch box back into his school bag. He began walking away as quickly as he could instead of running so as to not catch their attention but Billy had spotted him already. _

_ “Oh look who’s hiding out here,” he said in a mocking voice. _

_ “I’m not hiding,” Dan replied automatically and turned around, immediately wishing he hadn’t said anything. He knew he shouldn’t provoke Billy but he couldn’t just stand back and do nothing. _

_ “Sure, faggot,” Billy laughed and the guys with him joined in. They didn’t even realise they were mindless puppets, used by Billy to help establish his position of power at school. _

_ Dan cast a look behind him, searching for an escape route. He needed to get away as quickly as possible, otherwise they were going to beat him up and he’d rather not hurt all over, thanks. _

_ However, today really wasn’t his lucky day. They were slowly but surely backing him into a corner, trapping him between the ugly-ass gym and the fence that surrounded the school, giving the impression they were actually in prison and not in an educational institution. _

_ “Are you afraid?” Billy singsonged as he trapped Dan, looking him up and down. Sometimes Dan wondered if maybe Billy was the ‘faggot’ and if he fancied him, but instead of trying to be nice to get Dan to like him, he beat him up to punish Dan for Billy being gay. _

_ “Fuck off,” Dan said angrily. He’d really had enough of this shit. He just wanted it to be over with so he could go home. _

_ “Hear, hear, the faggot wants us to leave.” _

_ God, Dan really wanted him to shut up. _

_ “Don’t worry, we’ll leave,” Billy said and for a moment hope sparked in Dan. “After we’ve given you what you deserve.” It was extinguished immediately. _

_ The first blow always hurt the most. It wasn’t that the ones following were any less violent, he just got used to the pain. _

_ Dan clutched his nose where Billy’s knuckles had hit him and sunk to his knees, his trousers getting dirty from the muddy ground. _

_ “Get up, faggot!” Dan was being dragged up by his collar and he hastily tried to push himself up off the ground so that his shirt wouldn’t tear. _

_ The next blow came unexpectedly fast and he almost bit his tongue as he fell backwards onto the ground again. This time it had been Joe, a scrawny looking guy who was surprisingly strong and always hit Dan the hardest. His jaw was throbbing from the impact and he knew that he would spot a nasty looking bruise there tomorrow. _

_ “Why don’t you go next, Alex?” Dan heard Billy say. Despite the pain lacing through his face, he pressed his teeth together, not wanting to show any kind of weakness. Just as he was getting up, Joe and the fourth member of Billy’s gang, Craig, took hold of his arms and dragged him back up the whole way again. _

_ “I think he’s had enough,” Alex said and as Dan raised his head, he saw Billy looking disapprovingly at Alex who in turn had his gaze fixed on Dan, an undecipherable expression in his eyes. _

_ “I don’t think he’ll ever have enough,” Billy replied, chuckling as he grabbed Dan’s chin and pressed his fingernails into his skin. “Look at him, he’s enjoying this!” _

_ “Fuck you,” Dan spat, not caring anymore about restraining himself. They would hit him anyway, no matter what he said. _

_ “You’re really desperate, aren’t you, fag,” Billy turned around and motioned for Alex to go ahead. _

_ Dan breathed in deeply and tried to relax. He knew it would hurt even more if he tensed up. He looked Alex squarely in the eyes and for a split second he saw sympathy tinged with an apologetic gaze before he clenched his fist and hit Dan. _

_ * _

_ Dan’s head hurt, a lot. He had an ice pack pressed onto the left half of his face and was sitting on the sofa. The telly was on but he wasn’t really interested in what was happening on screen. Instead, he was focusing on his phone, awaiting a text back from Louise. _

_ The doorbell rang and he reluctantly put aside the ice pack to go get the door. His parents weren’t at home which he was very glad about as he definitely did not have the energy to explain why he had bruises all over his face,  _ again _ , even though this was an almost weekly occurrence. Sometimes Dan didn’t even know how he looked without a black eye anymore. _

_ He glanced through the door viewer and sighed. He almost wished he hadn’t heard the doorbell but he also knew that if he didn’t open, Alex would worry about him, so he let him in. As soon as the door was closed again, Alex was in his space, gingerly touching the skin around the bruises and Dan couldn’t help but flinch away from his caress. _

_ “Sorry,” Alex mumbled and he was so different from the guy he’d been earlier that Dan felt bad for wanting to get away from his touch. _

_ “It’s okay,” Dan said honestly and smiled even though it hurt. “I know you wouldn’t do this if you had the choice.” _

_ “I wouldn’t,” Alex agreed and softly kissed Dan. Dan grimaced as even this gentle touch hurt. “Sorry,” he quickly apologised. He gestured towards the general area of bruises on his face and Alex nodded. _

_ “Have you cooled it?” Alex asked as he followed Dan back into the living room. _

_ “Yeah,” Dan replied and picked up the ice pack, gently pressing it back on his face. He looked towards the telly and suddenly he was more interested in the boring program than talking about the bruises on his face. All he wanted was to forget that ever happened and just cuddle up with Alex on the couch, forget about reality for once and not worry about anything. _

_ “Wanna watch a movie?” he asked as he settled onto the sofa, patting the spot next to him. _

_ Alex sat down and immediately put his arm around Dan’s shoulders. “Sure.” _

_ Dan zapped around for a bit until he found a program showing a rerun of Rambo. He didn’t particularly like it but knew Alex did so he put the remote down on the table and snuggled up in Alex’s arms. _

_ He tried concentrating on the movie but his thoughts kept drifting back to the incident that afternoon, replaying the look on Alex’s face before he’d hit Dan. Dread pooled in Dan’s stomach and doubts started nagging at him. He couldn’t help but think that it shouldn’t be like this. Alex shouldn’t be forced to hit Dan. _

*

A week went by and Dan couldn’t bear to even look at the shop opposite. He knew he was probably being childish and unreasonable but he couldn’t help himself from wanting to lock himself away from the world and wallow in self-pity. He couldn’t even think someone attractive without being reminded about his shitty ex whose guts he fucking hated, for God’s sake. It was like he was trying to manipulate himself by reliving all those memories he desperately wanted to bury underneath a heap of good moments to smother them.

It was when he was watching a romantic movie – the kind that made him want to puke at the heteronormativity that was basically shoved in the viewer’s face – that he realised how stupid he was actually being. The lead character took a leap of faith, trusting his heart and not his mind, ignoring the rationality of the situation that told him to just turn around and never look back; but he didn’t. He grabbed life by the balls – not literally, that would  _ hurt _ – and told his romantic interest – of course, an above average beautiful looking woman who had everything in life except a man to ‘complete’ her – that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Of course, she said yes, but that wasn’t what caught Dan’s attention. What did was the main character’s choice to not do the rational thing for once even though he’d had a very difficult life. Dan could relate. Apart from all the clichés and badly written dialogues that no one would ever actually have.

His life had been difficult. Not in the sense that his family hadn’t had money or that he was never able to do what he loved, but in the sense that he’d never really experienced a healthy relationship. Half a year ago he’d thought that his relationships had been normal; that it was normal to worry that he’d be replaced by someone else, someone  _ better _ ; that it was normal to be lied to and to be treated like shit. He’d thought that every couple was supposed to fight from time to time, one or the other feeling insecure, but at the end of the day all of that didn’t matter if the love that those two people had for eachother outshined the bad days. Of course, he’d always kind of known that that wasn’t what love was supposed to look like but since he hadn’t known any different he’d lied to himself, over and over again. It wasn’t until that final eye-opening incident with Alex that he realised how he’d been treated and how different it probably could be.

It seemed as if he’d forgotten that over the last few weeks or maybe he’d tried to because he wasn’t  _ worthy _ of a relationship like that, with someone who treated him well. He didn’t want to think too closely about all of that, though. He knew it would only end with him lying on the floor face down, pondering about the significance of his existence, wondering why he even bothered when he would die eventually anyway.

He decided that he needed to take matters into his own hands, grab life by the balls so to speak, and find out who Phil really was. Even though it took the whole morning the day after to convince himself that it was fine, that he was doing this to make himself happy, he eventually ended up just outside Phil’s flower shop. The bright display of flowers next to the open door made him smile. They created a relaxing atmosphere. 

Dan took a deep breath and stepped inside. He instantly spotted Phil standing at the side watering what looked like a succulent. As soon as he noticed Dan he put down the green watering can which perfectly blended into its surroundings.

“Hello,” Phil said with a smile. He came towards Dan as he raked a hand through his black hair.

“Hey,” Dan answered. Phil’s smile looked so genuine like he was honestly glad to see Dan, and Dan couldn’t help but reciprocate it. He didn’t even realise that he probably should have told Phil what he was here for until Phil broke the silence that had settled between them.

“What can I do for you?” he asked.

“Ehm,” Dan said and looked around. Shit, he hadn’t thought this through, he didn’t even have an excuse as to why he’d just suddenly shown up. He blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. “I’m looking for a plant for my shop. To make it a bit more, um… lively, I guess?“

The smile that took over Phil’s face made his eyes light up like a burning star. 

“Oh, of course!” Phil replied and Dan could clearly hear excitement oozing from his voice. “What kind of plant did you think of? Something bigger like a tree?” He walked towards a tree and pointed towards it. Dan thought it rather looked like a palm. “Or rather something smaller? Do you have a particular colour scheme the plant should fit into or do you not care about that?” Phil walked backwards past a few differently coloured orchids while Dan remained rooted to the spot. Since he’d just come up with the excuse of wanting to buy a plant he had no idea whatsoever what he was actually looking for. “Oh, and how do you plan to situate the plant? Depending on light intensity not every plant is suited.”

Phil eventually stopped talking when he noticed that Dan wasn’t following.

“Um,” Dan said after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. He’d already forgotten half of the questions Phil had asked.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said and buried his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. All of a sudden it was like a damper had been put on him, lessening his light and diminishing his colours. “Sometimes I’m a bit too enthusiastic when it comes to plants.”

Great, he’d actually managed to upset him. Dan really knew how to make someone like him.

“Oh no, that’s fine,” he said hastily. “It’s just that I don’t really know anything about plants. Maybe you could recommend one to me?” He smiled at Phil tentatively, hoping to shoo away Phil’s uncertainty. He faintly felt his cheeks grow red at the thought of actually wanting to see Phil as happy as he’d been a moment ago.

“Of course,” Phil replied and grinned. He walked back towards the tree he’d pointed at earlier. “That’s  _ Dracaena draco _ , the dragon tree.” He stroked across one of the long, leathery leaves. “This exemplar is still relatively small but most dragon trees don’t grow taller than 1.6 metres as house plants,” Phil explained and all Dan could do was stare at him. He seemed so ecstatic talking about this plant that it almost made Dan care for it as well, even though he had never particularly liked plants and had always managed to kill every single plant that had ever been in his possession.

Phil looked at him, his cheeks developing a light pink tint. “A bright location is important, direct midday sun on the other hand not.”

“Is this palm low-maintenance?” Dan asked. If he really bought a plant off of Phil he definitely did not want it to die within the first week.

“Tree,” Phil corrected him.

Dan felt like an idiot. He couldn’t even listen to Phil properly. Why had he thought this to be a good idea?

Phil must’ve sensed Dan’s discomfort as he started to explain “Palms don’t have secondary thickness-growth which trees need for stability and feeding of their organs.”

Dan didn’t know why but Phil being so enthusiastic about a topic that he was obviously very interested in was uplifting. He felt his cheeks grow red again. He probably looked like a fucking tomato at this point.

“But that doesn’t matter!” Phil exclaimed who had probably interpreted Dan’s silence as embarrassment at not knowing what the heck he was talking about. He motioned to follow him and they walked over to the next tree, one whose trunk got thicker downwards.

“ _ Beaucarnea recurvata _ ,“ Phil said and Dan could only stare at him from the side. His pale skin stood in contrast to his black hair which, as far as he could see, wasn’t Phil’s natural hair colour as his roots were showing at some parts. Dan felt his heart beat faster and this time he didn’t quench the weird feeling in stomach that came with it.

Dan didn’t realise that Phil had asked him something until Phil gazed at him expectantly. Shit, what was he supposed to say? Before he could think anymore about it and freak out, Dan nodded. Phil immediately went back to the plant and Dan sighed. At least he’d gotten this part right.

“Only water when the upper layer is dry again. If the tip of the leaves turn brown, you’re giving it too much water and not too less.”

Well, shit, Dan really should’ve listened to what Phil had been saying. He would definitely kill this palm–  _ tree _ within its first few days in his possession.

He only realised that Phil was waiting for some sort of affirmation that Dan had understood when Phil was still staring at him, so Dan quickly nodded again. If he hadn’t looked like a tomato already, he probably did now. God, why was he so awkward?

“Oh, what‘s important as well is to rotate the tree every fortnight since it grows into the direction of the sunlight,” Phil added. “So, what do you think? Do you want it or do you want to have another look around?”

“Um,” he said, not really knowing. He would definitely need to google how to take care of it. “I mean, yeah, I’ll take it.” Wow, Phil could’ve offered him a washing machine and he probably would’ve said yes just to please him.

“What was that with the watering again?” Dan asked as Phil picked up the tree and carried it over to the counter. Even though the tree was relatively big Phil didn’t seem to have any trouble whatsoever lifting it.

“It’s best if you wait until the topmost layer is dry,” Phil explained, probably not for the first time.  He told Dan the price and Dan produced a tattered, black wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans that looked as if it would disintegrate any second.

After Phil had given him his change, he walked over towards the corner which housed an enormous accumulation of orchids and picked one that looked similar to the one on the counter of the café that Dan had seen during his first visit. He carried it back over to Dan and put it down next to the tree.

Dan looked at the orchid and then back to Phil, confused. Had he also agreed to buy an Orchid when he hadn’t been listening?

“That one’s also for you,” Phil said and waved aside as Dan reached to fetch his wallet again. “It’s a gift. I have too many of those anyway. Even with this one, however, you need to be careful not to water it too much. Many orchids die due to overwatering.”

Dan didn’t know what to say. He was pretty sure that Phil didn’t have ‘too many orchids’. His shop was obviously quite popular despite it being a small town where they hardly ever got new visitors.

He smiled. “Thank you.”

Dan picked up the tree and tried to pick up the orchid with his other hand by sticking the tree under his arm, which didn’t work all too well. He often wondered why humans didn’t have four arms. This was one of those moments he could have needed another arm desperately.

Before he knew what was happening, Phil had taken the orchid from him. “I’ll help you carrying it over,” he said and smiled.

“Thank you,” Dan replied. “ _ Again _ .”

Phil shrugged. “My pleasure.” He then looked over to the counter where Rachel was and waved his hand around for a bit, probably wanting to signal that he was accompanying Dan. It looked more like he was swatting away flies if Dan was being honest. 

Dan stepped through the open door in front of him and together they crossed the precinct which was, as typically for weekdays, mostly lifeless. He unlocked the door to his shop which looked a lot more colourless in contrast to Phil’s and held it open for Phil.

“Watch out, step,” he said and then followed the florist inside. He’d only looked at the floor for a split second but had therefore missed Phil stopping abruptly in front of him so that he awkwardly bumped into him. Despite the tree under his arm, he managed to grab a fistful of Phil’s t-shirt, preventing him from falling face first onto the floor. Phil bounced backwards against Dan and Dan couldn’t stop himself from laughing. He didn’t know why but somehow this whole situation was so surreal that it was extremely funny.

After a few seconds Phil turned around and upon seeing Dan laughing, joined in.

“I almost have a feeling you’re doing that on purpose,” Dan said, tiny giggles still escaping him, and automatically winked at Phil. Then he put down the tree in the sternmost corner of the shop, between the two grey chairs.

“You should rather place the tree in a sunny spot,” Phil said from behind him. Dan picked up the tree again, his arms already starting to hurt due to him never doing anything that could even remotely be considered working out, and put it down next to the door instead. 

Phil placed the orchid on the counter and Dan tried not to stare at him as he turned around to survey the room, letting his gaze wander over the framed tattoo patterns on the wall Dan himself had drawn.

“This is nice,” he said while stepping towards a drawing of intertwined red and white roses that Dan had created for a regular two years prior.

“Thanks.”

He turned around then and fixed Dan with a smile. “If you have any problems with the plants just come by and let me know,” he said and buried both of his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, turning to walk away.

“Concerning the care...” he quickly started to say, not really wanting Phil to leave just yet. He knew that if he didn’t ask now he probably never would. “Would you like to show me again on Sunday how to care for the both of them?”

He could hear the blood pounding in his ears and his heart was beating so fast, he was probably going to have a heart attack any minute now.

“I have to work on my garden on Sunday.”

At first, the words didn’t register in Dan’s mind but then their meaning reached him and his heart sunk. Of course, Phil wouldn’t want to spend time with him. He’d probably realised how damaged Dan was already.

“You could help me, though, if you wanted to!” Phil suddenly exclaimed. “I could show you what kind of flowers I have in my garden.” 

Dan couldn’t help but let out a short, happy laugh at Phil’s enthusiasm about his garden. He obviously cared a lot about it, making it even more special that he was fine with inviting Dan into it.

“I’d love to,” Dan said and smiled. He turned around towards the small counter that was situated in the right corner of the shop and leant over it to grab a business card which he then handed Phil. “My number.”

“Thanks. I’ll text you,“ Phil said as he took the card and put it into the front pocket of his jeans. “See you on Sunday then.”

“See you,” Dan replied and saluted him with two fingers. A second later he cringed as Phil was stepping through the door. He was being weird.

Still, that didn’t stop him from smiling the whole day.

*

Dan wanted to vomit. Maybe he could throw up all those feelings that made him feel sick like he’d just eaten a gone off yoghurt. Except he hadn’t eaten anything in hours because the anxiety that had been clawing at his stomach from the inside made it impossible for him to even look at food without feeling sick.

He was pacing his apartment. It was a miracle he hadn’t actually managed to wear down the carpet, with him constantly walking in a circle from his kitchen through his living room and back again. Even though the pacing didn’t make the anxiety better one bit, he couldn’t stop moving. It was like he wasn’t even controlling his own feet anymore. Maybe they’d been replaced by robotic ones overnight without him noticing.

He probably would’ve continued his restless journey to nowhere if his phone hadn’t abruptly gone off, blaring the battle theme of Final Fantasy 7 so loudly that Dan was surprised he didn’t get a heart attack from the sudden shock.

He scrambled towards the sofa, throwing the cushions onto the floor in search for his annoyingly loud phone. He really needed to lower the volume.

“Aha!” he exclaimed when he finally emerged with his phone in hand. He brushed his fringe out of his eyes, looking at the display to see who was calling him. Upon seeing that it was Louise, he smiled.

“Hello?” he answered, while plonking himself down on the couch, the back of it digging uncomfortably into his shoulders without the cushions.

“Dan!” Louise screamed. At least it sounded like that to Dan’s ears.

“Jesus! No need to abuse my ears,” he chuckled.

“Sorry for being excited that my best friend is finally available to talk to me,” she said accusingly and Dan immediately felt guilty. It wasn’t that he’d been avoiding Louise per se. He just knew that if he spoke to her he wouldn’t be able to lie. And, to be honest, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear what she would have to say about Phil. Louise was always dead honest with Dan, whether he wanted to or not, and really, he was quite thankful for that. But somehow he was afraid that Louise wouldn’t approve of Phil, for some reason that he didn’t quite understand.

“Ehm, yeah,” Dan said and fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt. “Sorry, I’ve been busy.” At least it wasn’t a straight up lie. He  _ had _ been busy. Busy with trying not to vomit and with wearing down the carpet so he could create a water passage that would deliver food from his kitchen to his living room.

Louise scoffed at that but thankfully let it slide. “Tell me all about the little adventures you’ve hopefully been having.”

“If by adventures you mean getting attacked with coffee by weird florists, sure,” Dan said before he could think about it.  _ Shit _ .

There was a short moment where neither of them said anything.

“I mean-,”  _ fuck _ , there it was. Now he had to tell Louise everything.

“Dan?” There was suspicion in her voice now.

“Nothing,” he said and tried to get his thoughts into proper order. “You know that café I told you about?”

“The one that’s conveniently opposite your shop?”

“Yeah, I went in there the other day and the guy who runs it bumped into me. And I mean  _ literally _ . He was holding a tray with coffee cups and one of them was filled to the brim, so naturally, it all spilt on me.”

Louise started laughing. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Things like that don’t happen  _ that  _ often to me,” Dan said defensively.

“Oh yes, they do, Mr Clumsiness In Person.”

“It wasn’t even my fault!” Dan exclaimed even though he knew well enough that it had been more his fault than Phil’s, but Louise didn’t need to know that. “Phil didn’t even look where he was going!”

“Oh, so you’re on first name basis now?” Louise chuckled.

“It’s not like that,” Dan said while propping his legs up on the arm rest.

“You know, now that you’ve said that, I think it is,” Louise replied teasingly.

“It’s really not,” Dan tried but he knew it was fruitless. Louise knew him better than anyone, Sometimes even better than he knew himself.

“I could tell you all about the spa day I had with Linda and Sarah yesterday, if you want? I’m sure that’s way more interesting anyway.”

Dan groaned. He really hated it whenever Louise started with Linda and Sarah. They were obviously nice people, seeing as Louise spent time with them, but Dan couldn’t stand them one bit. Not only had Linda been trying to get into his pants since she’d first laid eyes on him, no, together with Sarah they were the most annoying gossip trading women ever. Dan really didn’t need to know that Jeremy living opposite Sarah’s house had a secret foot fetish. Needless to say, Dan would do anything to avoid Louise talking about them, which she was fully aware of.

“Okay,  _ fine _ ! I’ll tell you everything,” Dan sighed. “But you have to promise not to judge until I’m finished, okay?”

“Sure.”

Dan told her all about his first time seeing Phil and being interested, even though he hadn’t quite understood why. He told her about meeting Rachel and Robert and what they had said about Phil. He described his first run-in with Phil, how he’d not been able to take his eyes off of him, but still being extremely wary. He recounted how he’d gone over to Phil’s shop, intent on talking to him and kind of accidentally buying a plant in the process and asking Phil out. And lastly, he told her about how he’d been over to Phil’s coffee shop every day since and about them always talking even though Phil wasn’t even working in the café most of the time. 

“You’re worried that it’s too good to be true,” Louise said eventually after Dan had stopped talking. “Also, I don’t think you’ve thought the plant thing through properly. They’re gonna die on you the second you touch them.”

“Gee, thanks, Louise,” Dan said and rolled his eyes, even though she wouldn’t be able to see that.

“Seriously. You do not have a green thumb,” she replied “But back to that Phil guy. He actually sounds like a nice person.”

Dan could hear the unspoken words  _ ‘nothing like Alex’ _ clearly.

“I know. I just, what if he isn’t?” Dan asked cautiously, nibbling on his lower lip.

“Well, you certainly won’t find out by sitting in your apartment all day worrying about it,” she said and sighed. “Look, I get that you’re scared. I was there too, remember? And I’m not gonna lie, this is fairly unexpected and maybe a bit too soon, but there’s no harm in getting to know him. You can always say ‘No’ if you’re uncomfortable. Just because you’re going on this date with him doesn’t mean that he’s got any kind of right over you. Also, maybe this is exactly what you need right now.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“You could certainly use some friends.”

“I have friends!” Dan exclaimed indignantly. “I’ve got you and... um-”

“Exactly,” Louise said and Dan could practically hear her rolling her eyes. “Look, it’s okay to be nervous but sometimes you just gotta jump in at the deep end and see where it takes you.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Dan replied.

“Of course I am,” Louise said, chuckling a bit. “I’m older than you, don’t forget that.”

“As if I ever could what with you reminding me constantly.” Dan got up from the sofa, wincing at the pain in his back. He trotted into the kitchen and pressed the phone between ear and shoulder so he could prepare himself a cup of tea.

“Well, one of us has to be the responsible adult and I highly doubt you want to take over that part.”

“Fuck, no,” Dan said, putting a tea bag in his Rubik’s Cube mug. “I give the worst advice. I’d get us both killed by the mafia by accident.”

“That’s true,” Louise laughed. “I need to go, is that okay?”

Dan could hear the worry in her voice. “Yes, of course,” he said as if nothing had been wrong to begin with.

“Call me if you need anything.” There was no room for argument. “And if that Phil guy so much as breathes in your direction with foul breath I am going to kick his ass to the moon.”

Dan snorted. “I’ll be sure to tell him that.”

“I mean it, Dan. Be careful, but also live a little.”

“Yes,  _ Mum _ ,” Dan whined but couldn’t stop a small smile beginning to form.  

“I love you, you big oaf,” she said and he knew she was smiling as well.

“Love you, too, Lou, and thank you,” he replied and ended the call. The water was finally boiling so he poured it into his mug, which he then took back into the living room with him. He put the cushions back on the sofa and sat down. He still felt a bit queasy but not as much as before so he carefully sipped on his tea, promptly burning his tongue.

Putting the mug down on the coffee table, he cursed. So he might not have figured out how to function properly as an adult, but he’d never been one to give up without trying. If he could draw immensely detailed tattoos patterns and not fuck up while tattooing those onto someone’s body, then he could go on a date with Phil without freaking out. 

He pulled up the text from Phil he’d received earlier.

_ ‘Hi, now you’ve got my number as well ^.^ See you Sunday at 10?’ _

Two more days to go. Dan started typing and sent it before he could think about it anymore.  _ ‘yes see you then :)’ _

 

*

Phil had been wide awake since seven o’clock. Since the day Dan had asked him out he hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything else. He could hardly wait to spend this day with Dan and finally get to know him better, even though he’d seen him almost every day since then. 

In the time since his last relationship, he’d totally forgotten how marvellous it could be to have a date with someone. Of course, he’d tried to get to know someone new after the break-up with his now ex-girlfriend a few years back, but nothing had ever come of it and eventually he’d just stopped trying.

All the more time did he waste standing in front of the mirror now, thinking about what he should wear. Normally, he’d throw on some of the oldest clothes he could find if he knew he was going to do some garden work. They were going to get dirty anyway. The thing was, though, he didn’t want to wear the jeans with the hole in it from all of the kneeling on the flower beds; he actually wanted to make an effort at looking nice for Dan. 

In the end, he decided on another pair of black jeans in combination with a blue t-shirt. Rachel had advised him to put one of his shirts on, but they were hardly appropriate for gardening and looked too formal. But then she’d also recommended that Phil take Dan to a nice restaurant for dinner, which Phil had purposefully ignored. Of course, a tiny part of him questioned his choice of activity for the date but the other ninety percent of him thought it was a brilliant idea. He’d be himself from the start this time, and if Phil’s suggestion of the date hadn’t put Dan off immediately then that was a good sign that he would actually like the person Phil was.

After he was done straightening his hair and was satisfied with the way he looked, he started preparing everything for Dan’s visit. He cut the strawberries he’d bought the day before, almost cutting his finger off in the process, and made lemonade with his mum’s recipe, for the first time managing to not spill any of it. Then he wiped all of the surfaces again to be on the safe side, even though he’d done that only yesterday. When he was finished with that as well, he still had over an hour until Dan would arrive so he decided to start with the garden work already, namely pulling out weeds. He’d already done all the flower beds in the back so he only had to spruce up the big one in the front. He definitely wanted to plant some bulbs, which were already lying on the garden table, as well as sow some seeds for sunflowers. He knew that most people would think the effort he put into his garden as weird but everyone had at least one specific obsession and Phil couldn’t help that his was about everything to do with plants. Also, he liked seeing something come alive and flourish that he’d planted; it made him happy.

He threw himself into the work and was only pulled out of the routine by the shrill ringing of the bell. He hurriedly tore the gloves off his hands, throwing them down next to the weeds he’d pulled out, and rushed through his apartment to the front door.

At arriving at the door, he took a few seconds to gather himself and get his hair to cooperate, then opened the door with a smile.

Dan looked like he had the last time Phil had seen him but at the same time his answering smile was even more blinding, making Phil gulp. His outfit was still mostly black but instead of a t-shirt with a band logo, he wore a simple grey one with a leather jacket on top. He looked put together, his hair perfectly styled and Phil kind of wanted to run his hands through Dan’s hair to mess it up.

“Sorry it took so long, I was in the garden,” Phil said after they’d said hello and Dan had entered the hallway.

“You couldn’t hold back, could you?” Dan replied and grinned, his dimple showing in the process.

“I’ll have you know that I take the responsibility that comes with having a garden very seriously,” Phil huffed indignantly, turning around towards the hallway and motioning to Dan to follow him. 

He walked ahead of Dan to the back of the house, past the stairs leading upstairs, and looked back a few times to see if Dan was still following. Phil led him through the kitchen and outside through the open sliding door.

“So this is where the magic happens,” Dan joked as he looked at the flower beds, but Phil could see admiration in his eyes. It made a warm sensation appear in his stomach.

“Oh yes,” Phil replied. “The little fairies and gremlins that normally help me are currently hiding between the flowers. They’re a bit afraid of new people.” He pretended to point at something between the crocus’ and forget-me-nots.

“I knew this couldn’t be the work of one person,” Dan laughed but they way he carried his body indicated that he didn’t quite know what to make of the situation. Phil hoped that his strange sense of humour hadn’t scared Dan off right away. He knew that he could come across as weird sometimes but didn’t see the point in pretending.

“If you’re nice enough, they might show themselves and we won’t have to do all of the work by ourselves,” Phil said and smiled at Dan. This seemed to relax him a tiny bit as he smiled back. Maybe it was only the foreign surroundings that made him feel uneasy.

“I’ll try my best.”

Phil picked up his gloves from the ground and gave Dan the ones from the table. “You’ll need those,” he added. Then he explained that they’d pull out the rest of the weeds, loosen up the ground and plant a few new bulbs. Dan listened attentively and nodded from time to time.

“By the way, I hope you’re not wearing your best pair of trousers because they’ll definitely get dirty,” Phil said and took the opportunity to let his gaze wander over Dan’s body again. “And I’d take the jacket off as well. It can get pretty warm in the sun.”

Dan immediately took off the jacket and went back inside to drape it over the back of one of the chairs in the kitchen. “I see that you’re taking gardening pretty seriously,” he said as he stepped out into the early morning sun. Phil had already put his gloves back on and started where he’d stopped earlier.

“I really don’t know where you got that idea.” He suppressed a smile.

Dan laughed. “Just show me the green stuff I can pull out. We wouldn’t want me to anger the magic plant creatures, now would we.” The last part was said in a sarcastic tone.

Phil sighed at the mention of ‘green stuff’´, as Dan had so eloquently put, it but let it slide and explained to Dan how to proceed. For a while, they quietly worked next to each other. It appeared to be too early for Dan to hold a longer conversation and Phil enjoyed the comfortable and calm atmosphere between them.

After some time had passed – Phil didn’t wear a watch and could only guess from the position of the sun that it was about midday – he stopped his work and looked over at Dan. His hair had a golden sheen in the sun and there was a smudge of soil over his right eyebrow. He must’ve unconsciously brushed his fringe out of his eyes with the gloves still on. Dan bit his lips as he was reaching for a small plant that rose out of the ground just out of his reach. He grinned triumphantly as he finally got a hold of it. 

Phil’s gaze wandered over Dan’s t-shirt to his arms and the tattoos that he hadn’t paid closer attention to since the first time he’d seen them. They completed Dan’s character in a way that he hadn’t even noticed them anymore. At this moment, though, he was even more curious about them than he’d been before.

From under the sleeve of Dan’s right arm the lower part of a piano peeked out. Under that, on Dan’s forearm, he could only spot a green diamond shape that looked suspiciously like the plumbob from Sims as well as a crest that seemed familiar but he didn’t know where from exactly he knew it. Underneath the crest was a colourful tattoo of Arceus, the pokémon. Well, they’d certainly have a lot to talk about later because Phil absolutely loved Pokémon.

Since Dan wasn’t sitting directly in front of him on the flower bed, Phil couldn’t see all too well what kind of tattoos he had on his other arm. Phil didn’t really feel comfortable to ask Dan about the tattoos just yet as he felt that they probably held special meanings to Dan, so he hoped he’d catch a glimpse of them eventually or that Dan would show them to him on his own accord.

Phil was just about to consume his work when he saw that Dan was about to pluck a young, sprouting lilac out of the ground.

“Stop!” Phil exclaimed. If there hadn’t been any daffodils between him and Dan, he would’ve probably flung himself on the ground there to save the almost non-visible shrub.

Startled, Dan stopped immediately and looked at Phil.

“That’s lilac,“ he explained. Dan relaxed and pulled back his hand.

“You gave me a real fright,” Dan said and theatrically laid a hand on his chest. “If I’d known you only invited me to give me a heart attack, I wouldn’t have gotten up this early.”

“Ah, you saw right through my plan.” Phil took off his glove to brush his fringe out of his eyes. “What will I do now?” He grinned as Dan looked at him appalled, obviously pretending.

“Next you will tell me that there’s poison on the inside of my glove and that I’m gonna drop dead in the next two minutes.”

Phil laughed at that, taking off the other glove as well as his hands had gotten pretty warm in them. “I think there’s easier ways to poison someone.”

“And you would know that because…?” Dan raised an eyebrow.

“I am obviously an evil genius, hiding behind the disguise of a florist to realise my plan of taking over the world by selling people coffee and plants.”

“Obviously,” Dan said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “And what does that make me? The hero that wants to defeat you or the amazing sidekick?”

“Hm,” Phil said, “that depends on what side you want to be on. The one with nightly helicopter rides and cool, futuristic outfits or the one where you have to walk around in leggings all the time while people blame you for damaging their city even though you’ve saved everyone’s lives.”

“I think I’ll choose the swaggy outfits, thanks,” Dan laughed. 

“Good choice. We’ve got the cookies,” Phil said and smirked.

“Oh, well, it’s hardly a question then. Who in their right mind would choose world peace over cookies?” Dan replied sarcastically and raked a hand through his hair, fluffing it up.

“Not someone like us, apparently,” Phil said dryly. 

“We should stop,” Dan laughed.

“Oki doke, trusty sidekick,” Phil replied with a wink and Dan fixed him with a warning gaze whereupon Phil couldn’t suppress a giggle.

“Do you want a break? I’ve got lemonade in the fridge,” he suggested, looking at Dan and a warm sensation took hold in his stomach.

“If there’s no poison in it, sure,” Dan said and got up. Like Phil he wiped the dirt from his trousers and put his gloves in the garden table as he passed it. 

“I thought we’d already established that we’re on the same team.”

At arriving in the kitchen Phil opened the fridge, adorned with postcards and various magnets, and pulled out the jug with the lemonade. Dan was leaning against the pantry and looked outside at the garden but as Phil stepped next to him to take two glasses out of the cupboards, Dan’s gaze wandered over to him and Phil could feel his cheeks heat. He was so close to Dan that he could smell his cologne. He basically smelt like everything Phil hadn’t known was missing from his life.

Phil hurried back towards the jug and poured the lemonade into the glasses, passing one of them to Dan, their hands touching. He swiftly pulled his hand back like he’d gotten an electric shock, blushing again and trying to hide it by quickly drinking the lemonade.

Shit, it had hit him hard already.

*

 

“ _ Origin of Symmetry _ is your favourite Muse album as well?” Dan asked, holding one of the flower bulbs in his hand. He was gaping at Phil, obviously surprised.

“Yes,” Phil laughed.

Over the last two hours in which they’d further worked on the flower bed and had eaten the strawberries, they’d asserted that they had a lot in common. It seemed to shock Dan every time they found another common interest. Phil, for his part, couldn’t believe his luck at having found someone like Dan.

Dan let the bulb fall onto the ground and then shuffled towards Phil on his knees, holding up his arm. At first, Phil thought that Dan wanted to shake hands and was a bit confused but then Dan pointed towards his arm and Phil realised that he wanted to show him a tattoo. Phil leant forward, his breath catching as he recognised the Muse band logo. What was even better, though, was the Totoro on Dan’s upper arm.

At first, Phil didn’t know what to say, he was so overwhelmed. Only after he’d tugged off his gloves and reached for Dan’s arm did it cross his mind that Dan could possibly feel uncomfortable with Phil touching him. As he lifted his gaze, though, Dan grinned and pulled up the sleeve of his t-shirt to show him the whole tattoo. Totoro held an umbrella in his hand, a few rain drops falling onto it. The rain, as well as the umbrella, were depicted in a watercolour style and Phil couldn’t help but let his fingers wander over it gingerly.

Where he’d touched Dan’s skin goose bumps erupted. Blushing, Phil let his left hand fall away so that he was still holding onto Dan’s arm with the other one, not ready to let him go just yet.

“Studio Ghibli fan, I take it?” Dan said suddenly, startling Phil out of his thoughts.

“Only a little bit,” Phil said and grinned.

Dan snorted as Phil took another look at the Totoro tattoo and then concentrated on the lower part of Dan’s arm. Underneath the Muse logo there was a playstation controller that looked so extraordinarily real that Phil felt the urge to press one of the buttons. In the background and around the controller were a few different red flowers. Phil could see roses, gerberas and hibiscus.

“Reminds me a little bit of Winston,” he said, pointing at one of the flowers, a little bit lost in thought.

“Winston?” Dan asked and Phil could’ve sworn to have heard a strange tone in his voice but as he lifted his gaze, Dan looked normal. Phil shook his head a tiny bit. He’d probably only imagined that.

“Oh, you don’t know Winston yet.” Phil unconsciously tightened his fingers around Dan’s arm for a moment. “I definitely have to introduce you to him at the next opportunity,” he said enthusiastically.

“Um, alright,” Dan replied. Again Phil had the feeling that there was something in Dan’s voice he was missing, something that almost sounded like disappointment. But that couldn’t be, could it? What could Dan possibly be disappointed about? Unless he was disappointed of Phil for some reason? Phil furrowed his eyebrows, not quite understanding why Dan felt this way after they’d gotten on so well for the last few hours.

All of a sudden he became aware of how close they were sitting and how he was still holding onto Dan’s arm. Just as he was about to let go, however, something on Dan’s arm caught his eye. Next to the tattoo of the gaming controller there was a trail of red dots that hadn’t been there a minute ago. He followed the trail with his eyes to Dan’s hand which was covered with the small spots.

“Um, Dan?” Phil said and pointed at the spots.

Dan seemed irritated for some reason but when he saw what Phil was pointing at, he startled, withdrawing his arm. “What the hell?”

“I think you’re having an allergic reaction to Winston,” Phil joked, trying to loosen up the suddenly tense atmosphere between them. Instead of laughing along with Phil, Dan looked even more irritated.

“Very funny,” he mumbled.

“Let me see,” Phil said. For a short moment it seemed as if Dan would refuse, but then he held out his arm. Phil took Dan’s hand and looked at the dots more closely, suddenly noticing that Dan wasn’t wearing his gloves. He looked past Dan to the place where he’d previously planted the bulbs but couldn’t spot the gloves anywhere.

“Dan?” he asked. “Did you not wear the gloves I gave you?”

Dan furrowed his brows. “Of course. Earlier. My hands got a bit warm, though, so I took them off,“ he replied.

Phil started laughing, causing Dan to start withdrawing his hand, but Phil tightened his grip on it. “I think you’re allergic to hyacinth bulbs. I’m afraid we’ll have to amputate your hand.” He smiled at Dan, trying to defuse the tense atmosphere between them.

“That’s not funny,” Dan said but contrary to his words there was a small smile forming on his face, causing his dimple to show. Relieved, Phil exhaled heavily.

“But seriously, is that dangerous?” Dan asked concerned, fear showing in his eyes.

“No, don’t worry. You should wash your hands thoroughly and apply a cortisone cream, though. I’ve got some here,” Phil said and got up. Dan copied him and followed him into the kitchen where he washed his hands as Phil went into the upper part of his apartment, searching for the cream. He eventually found it underneath a pile of papers in his office. He had no idea how it’d gotten there.

Before going back downstairs again, he stood at the beginning of the staircase, listening to the sounds of running water. He still couldn’t wrap his mind around what had happened to make Dan feel irritated but he hoped that it hadn’t been because of him. He seemed to be fine now, though, so he shook his head at being silly and went downstairs.

At coming into the kitchen once again, he saw Dan drying his hands with one of the tea towels that had various drawings of herbs on it. He took the salve from Phil and generously applied it on the rash that hadn’t spread due to him having cleaned it.

“Thanks,” Dan said as he gave Phil back the tube, who laid it down on the counter. He would put it away later, after Dan was gone.

“No problem,” Phil replied. He buried his hands in his jeans pockets. Somehow the air between them felt tense again, making Phil feel uncomfortable in his own kitchen. He thought that Dan presumably felt the same, the way he was standing slightly turned away from Phil, and he realised that this whole situation probably embarrassed him.

“I should…” Dan trailed off and pointed towards the corridor that led to the front door. He avoided looking at Phil and turned around to the kitchen table to collect his jacket.

Phil felt disappointment rising up inside him at the thought of Dan leaving but especially because of the way he was basically fleeing, avoiding looking at Phil and making this whole situation feel even more uncomfortable. Phil’s face fell and he felt sudden coldness in his stomach, making him shiver.

“Oh, okay.” He knew he wasn’t able to keep the dejectedness out of his voice. He just wasn’t able to understand why Dan was suddenly so distant and cold towards him when they’d gotten along so well before. Surely the rash couldn’t be the only reason for him behaving like this?

With an uneasy silence between them he followed Dan to the door. Since his front door led out onto the precinct he could see a couple walking by, holding hands. They were clearly enjoying their free Sunday.

It made his heart ache.

“Thanks for everything,” Dan said curtly.

“I’ve got to thank you for your help,” Phil replied automatically. During the whole day he’d wanted nothing more than be in Dan’s company but now he couldn’t wait to close the door behind him and crawl into his bed. Maybe to wallow in self-pity a little bit. He knew that the disappointment and most of all the confusion had to be obvious on his face.

“No problem,” Dan said. After a short smile that didn’t reach his eyes in the slightest, he turned around and walked away, not even saying goodbye.

Phil closed the door and couldn’t help but slide down it, coming to rest on the ground, very movie-like. At any other time he would’ve laughed at himself for being so dramatic but he couldn’t comprehend at all what the hell had just happened. He’d thought that Dan liked him. At least it had seemed like he did. Did Dan maybe not even like men and was disgusted when he’d noticed that Phil wanted more than to be friends? But hadn’t it been obvious from the start that it had been a date? Phil buried his head in his hands. Questions upon questions buzzed around his head that he couldn’t answer.

After a few more minutes of him trying to come up with answers for the questions flitting around his thoughts, he came to a decision. He would ask Rachel in the morning what she thought about this whole thing and then he’d ask Dan out again. If he said no then at least he’d know Dan didn’t like him in that way and would know why Dan had acted the way he had. He really hoped Dan would say yes, though, and explain what had happened.

There was definitely no point in thinking about it any longer at this moment as he had more than two dozen bulbs in his garden that he still needed to plant, so Phil tried to ignore all those nagging thoughts that he might have been the reason for Dan’s discomfort and went back into his garden.

*

Dan felt like the stupidest person on earth. How could he have thought that Phil  _ actually liked _ him? He clearly didn’t and hadn’t ever reciprocated Dan’s feelings as small as they might have been. And even though it was early on in their relationship – if it could even be called that – Dan felt betrayed. He felt betrayed by Phil, for making him think there could be something between them; he felt betrayed by himself, his feelings, for making him see something where there had been nothing.

In the end, though, it was all his own fault, not Phil’s. Phil wasn’t to blame when it was Dan who clearly couldn’t judge between friendliness and flirting. He’d obviously been out of the game for too long and maybe Louise had been right, that this was too soon. Alex was still clouding his judgment, letting him make rash and stupid decisions when he’d thought that exactly those were finally separating him from Alex, creating more space between them.

The sun shining down on him was mocking him when he felt there should be clouds darkening the sky and rain drowning him in his sorrows to accompany the mood he was in. The day had started inexplicably good, had become even better the longer he and Phil had talked and it had seemed  _ perfect _ . Of course it had been  _ too  _ perfect, no one could ever be that nice and considerate and funny and just  _ right _ for Dan. He obviously didn’t deserve someone like that.

Phil was too good for him.

Still, Dan couldn’t help but feel a sharp twist of pain in his heart, like someone had stabbed him, at the thought of Phil with another guy,  _ Winston _ . He was probably extremely fit, hilarious, good-looking. Everything Dan wasn’t and would never be.

Dan felt strange wetness on his cheeks and thought that it was raining for a second, the weather finally having caught up with his heart. But when he looked up, the cloudless blue of the sky greeted him and he realised that he was crying.

He angrily swept his hands over his cheeks, trying to dry them, but new tears kept coming without him wanting to.

He was glad when he finally arrived at his flat, more or less having run the last few metres to this house that still didn’t feel like a home. He stomped up the stairs and didn’t get the key into the lock the first few times, tears clouding his vision. When he was finally inside he slammed the door shut, aimlessly chucked his leather jacket into a corner and walked straight into the living room, grabbing the whiskey bottle from under the table where he’d hidden it.

He opened the bottle and drank straight from it, not even bothering with a glass. He just wanted everything to stop, the thoughts, the feelings,  _ himself _ .

Halfway through the bottle images of Alex emerged, them having a fight, Alex breaking down as Dan had threatened to end it, Alex crying and burying his face in his hand, and then those were replaced by Phil, blushing as Dan had asked him out, laughing in the garden, smiling at Dan with so much happiness that it made Dan hurt all over again, and he just wanted it to  _ stop _ .

He took another long swig of the liquor and saw rather than felt how badly his hand was shaking, making him nearly miss his mouth, a bit of the alcohol dropping onto his t-shirt. He felt wobbly, out of himself, like he didn’t fit anymore, and he drank more to get rid of that feeling.

It was much later when he fell asleep in an uncomfortable position, not even noticing due to the inebriated state he was in. The half empty bottle of Whiskey was lying on the carpeted floor, abandoned when he couldn’t even hold it anymore without dropping it several times. 

*

_ Six years earlier _

_ Dan had been walking aimlessly around town for the last half hour. His thoughts were all over the place, buzzing through his head and making him dizzy to the point where he felt like throwing up. _

_ And all the while he couldn’t stop thinking that it shouldn’t be like this. Wanting to break up with someone shouldn’t make him feel this awful. It should make him feel good and give him back his freedom. _

_ He plunked down on a park bench he’d come across and buried his face in his hands. He could hear the birds chirping cheerfully and somewhere nearby there must’ve been a playground because the sound of children’s laughter was carried over to him by the wind. _

_ All of a sudden he realised that while this moment was earth-shattering for him, the world around him still kept turning. The universe didn’t give a fuck about him having a crisis. _

_ The phone in his pocket vibrated and he reluctantly pulled it out, already guessing who was probably texting him. _

**_Alex 16.47:_ ** _  
_ ur still coming over, right? xx

_ Dan sighed. Yeah, he was going over to Alex’s place later but not to cuddle on the couch while watching telly and certainly not to have sex. He needed to break things off with him. _

_ He asked himself for the hundredth time why he wanted to break up with Alex in the first place. He was a considerate, sweet and caring boyfriend, always asking how Dan was, how his day had been, texting him constantly. And while he knew that other people would view this behaviour as controlling, Dan couldn’t see it that way. He liked the attention Alex gave him; it made him feel like he wasn’t worthless and replaceable. _

_ But then he thought back to the past week and how Alex had treated him and it made him feel sick. Ever since word had gotten out that Alex and Dan were dating, because someone had seen them in the park - ironically the one where he was now - Alex had been outright denying it, making Dan feel like shit. And sure, he could understand why he was behaving like that. Alex had a reputation to uphold and dating a loser didn’t do that any good. Theoretically Dan knew that. He had hoped, though, that once word had gotten out, they didn’t have to hide anymore, that Alex would be able to stand up for Dan and protect him. _

_ In the end, it had been PJ who’d made him see sense. He’d made him realise that Alex was ashamed of their relationship and that if he truly cared for Dan, he wouldn’t have denied everything. As much as Dan didn’t want to agree, a small part of him knew it to be true. From there on it all spun out of control. _

_ It was like that Stephen King quote  _ ‘Some ideas, once you get them in your head, you can't unthink them _ ’. He simply couldn’t forget what PJ had said and the words expanded in his mind until he couldn’t think of anything else. All of a sudden he could see what PJ meant: the times when Alex had hit him in school and had then come home to kiss him, the times when he’d showered him with attention but as soon as a friend had shown up, he’d urged Dan to hide or leave as quickly as he could. _

_ Yeah, he was probably the definition of ‘dirty little secret’ as this point. It made Dan furious that he’d let himself get to that point but it made him even angrier that despite all of that he still loved Alex. _

_ PJ didn’t understand but he never got to see the side of him that Dan saw. Which brought him back to his point. PJ didn’t know him like Dan did because he’d never act like that if another person was around (probably also because PJ couldn’t stand Alex one bit and avoided him like the plague). _

_ As if Alex could sense what Dan was thinking about, another text from him arrived. _

**_Alex 17.01:_ ** _  
_ rented terminator n have popcorn xx

_ Dan wanted to scream. He’d seen Terminator with Alex three times now and after every time he hated that movie even more. _

_ If he’d been looking for a sign from the universe that breaking up with Alex was the right thing to do, then this was definitely it. Why was it that he still felt uneasy and anxious about it, though? _

*

_ It was much later when Dan finally arrived at Alex’ place. His parents had left for the weekend, going on some holiday in Switzerland or something; Dan couldn’t remember the details. It didn’t matter where they were anyway, just that they were gone, so that Dan could come over. Dan hadn’t met Alex’ parents before, not that he was complaining about that. He didn’t like meeting parents. He never quite knew what to say. _

_ His hands were shaking a bit as he leant forward to ring the bell. The shrill sound of it startled him, even though he’d heard it many times before. _

_ It only took a few seconds before Alex opened the door. He was wearing sweatpants and one of Dan’s t-shirts that he must’ve forgotten at Alex’ place. It was hugging him in all the right places and when Alex pulled him inside and kissed him as soon as the door closed behind them, he forgot what he’d wanted to do for a few seconds. _

_ It was when Alex’ hands wandered over Dan’s back to his butt that he reluctantly shimmied out of Alex’ embrace. _

_ “We need to talk,” he said without looking at Alex. _

_ “Sure, baby,” Alex replied, obviously not picking up on Dan’s mood. “Let’s go into the living room.” _

_ Dan wanted to say ‘ _ No, we should do this here’,  _ where it was easier for him to leave, but he owed Alex at least a decent explanation and he didn’t think he’d be able to do this without sitting down somewhere. So he just nodded and followed Alex through the enormous hallway into the living room. As soon as Dan had sat down on the couch, Alex plunked down next to him, reaching out to grab Dan’s hand but Dan scooted away from him. _

_ “I…,” Dan started. He had no idea how to even begin saying this. _

_ “What is it, baby?” Alex asked, sounding kind of careless and Dan knew that he just had to say the words without any preamble. _

_ “I want to break up with you.” _

_ There. He’d said it. There was no going back now. _

_ For a few seconds there was a prominent silence. Dan didn’t dare look up so he stared at his hands in his lap, that just wouldn’t keep still. _

“What?”  _ Alex said and it sounded like his world was collapsing in on itself. Surprised, Dan looked up and his breath caught.  _

_ Alex was crying. Not sobbing or anything. There were just tears soundlessly running down his cheeks. He looked… heart-broken and Dan could feel his eyes watering. _

“Why?” _ Alex said and reached for Dan’s hands, gripping them tightly.  _

_ “You  _ hide  _ me,” Dan accused him, anger rising in him. “You’re ashamed of me.” Now the tears in his eyes were a mixture from being miserable and angry. _

_ “ _ What? _ Why would I ever be ashamed of you?” Alex said with big eyes. “I love you.” _

“No,” _ Dan replied, withdrawing his hands from Alex’ tight grip and getting up. “If you really loved me, you would defend me. You wouldn’t deny what we have.” He couldn’t suppress a sob and suddenly it was like a dam had broken and he was crying. He didn’t want this. He wanted everything to be alright, to be in Alex’ arms, but the reality was that there was no place for him here. _

_ Alex stood up as well, reaching out to embrace Dan but Dan stepped away. “Dan, where is this coming from? Did PJ make you believe that?” _

_ Dan could only utter sobs. This wasn’t as easy as he had thought it would be. Everything in him screamed to just stop. _

_ “This has nothing to do with PJ. When Max told everyone in school she’d seen us, you denied it,” he eventually managed to get out, looking up at Alex. “I thought that we didn’t have to hide anymore once everyone knew but you kept ignoring me. You don’t really want to be with me.” _

_ “That’s not true,” Alex said and went to embrace Dan again. This time he let him. He buried his head in the crook between Alex’ shoulder and neck and inhaled his scent, consisting of some kind of expensive aftershave and perfume. _

_ “I love you, Dan, and I’m sorry,” he heard Alex say. “I didn’t  _ want  _ to hide you away, you know that. If I could’ve, I would’ve shown the whole world we’re together.” He inhaled deeply. “Please don’t leave me, baby, I’ll do everything you want.” _

_ The tears still kept coming but Dan wasn’t sobbing as much anymore. Hope blossomed in his heart but he was still anxious that Alex would change his mind. _

_ “I’ll tell everyone who wants to know that we’re together. I’ll introduce you to my parents and you can introduce me to yours,” Alex continued, “even if they’re not gonna be happy about it, I won’t care.” _

_ Dan felt Alex hands lifting up his head so they were looking at each other. “Because I have you and I don’t need anyone else.” _

_ Dan nodded and with that his resolve crumbled to dust. “Okay,” he said and felt a weight lift off his heart. He loved Alex with everything he had. _

_ “I love you, baby.” _

_ “I love you, too,” Dan replied and then they kissed and in some way it felt like their first kiss, not quite sure where they stood with each other but certain that there was something between them that needed to be explored. _

_ That night they had sex and Alex was more gentle with Dan than he’d ever been before and it made Dan feel like he was on top of the world. _

*

**Louise 17.21:**   
_ How was the date? Miss you x _

**Louise 19.44:**   
_ Are you still at Phil’s? I hope you’ve not done anything rash _

**Louise 21.07:**   
_ Dan? _

**Louise 21.50:**   
_ I’ll just assume the date was so good you fell asleep the minute you got home. I’m gonna call you in the morning, sleepy-head x _

**Louise 21.52:**   
_ Doesn’t mean I’m not cross with you tho for not even texting me _

Dan carelessly let the phone fall on the couch next to him, groaning and clutching his head. The early morning sun shone through the living room window, making everything too bright, causing Dan to squint at the room so as not to worsen the headache that had appeared as soon as he had woken up. The headache wasn’t even the worst thing; he’d fallen asleep in an awkward position on the couch and now he was paying for that, a pain shooting through his back whenever he so much as lifted a finger. He also felt sick to the point where he was afraid he’d throw up if he moved away from the couch so he just leant back against the cushions, closing his eyes again and trying not to move.

Even though this was the worst hangover he’d ever had, he knew he deserved it. He hated himself for having gotten attached to someone this soon and he deserved to have his heart broken over it. And maybe he was exaggerating the whole thing, making it bigger than it actually was, but he couldn’t help but feel that this confirmed him not being suitable for relationships. Yet, being in a relationship was all he’d known for the last seven years; of course, it would be hard to go without one.

Dan sighed, pinching his nose to try and quell the headache, even though he knew that it would be futile without putting water in his body first. He did not have any energy left in him to get up and get a glass of water, however. He wanted to just lie here forever, not face any responsibilities and first and foremost not talk to anyone for the rest of his life.

As if someone had listened in on Dan’s thoughts and had judged them to be utterly stupid, his cellphone suddenly started ringing. If Dan had thought before that the sound was loud, he now had the feeling his head was splitting in half from it.

Ignoring the pain in his back, he hastily picked up the phone, not quite sure if the wanted it to be Phil or not. The decision was taken out of his hands, though, when he saw the photo of Louise and him, that they’d taken a few months back, on his phone’s display.

His finger hovered over the accept button, uncertain if he wanted to talk to Louise. Sure, she was his best friend and had been there for him when he’d most needed her but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear her opinion on what had happened. He wouldn’t be able to hide it from her and she rather tended to be brutally honest, sometimes too much so.

In the end, he took the call. If he didn’t, she’d ring him again at a later time anyway and he’d rather do this now than later.

“Hello?” Even to his own ears his voice sounded raspy and exhausted.

“Daniel James Howell,” Louise started and Dan immediately knew that this couldn’t be good. She only used his full name when she was cross with him. “I hope I’ve woken you up, young man, because you _ promised _ to call me  _ yesterday _ !”

Dan grimaced, even though Louise obviously couldn’t see that and curled his hand into a fist, pressing his nails into his skin. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice cracking on the last word. He held his breath, hoping Louise hadn’t heard but judging by the silence she had.

“Dan?” she asked. He could hear worry and it made him ache. He felt even more sick than he’d had before and not because of the alcohol. He couldn’t stand her being worried. It all felt like it had months ago and he  _ couldn’t  _ go back there.

“It’s…,” he started, looking for the right words that just wouldn’t come, “I… It’s nothing,” he eventually said.

“What did he do?” Louise demanded to know.

_ It’s not his fault _ , Dan wanted to say but stopped himself at the last second. He knew with a hundred percent certainty that Louise would actually come all the way over from London just to kick his ass for uttering those words.

Dan opted for a more generic “It’s complicated.” instead.

“Complicated my ass,” Louise replied. He could hear how angry she was getting. He knew she wasn’t angry at him per se, probably more angry at everyone who had drilled this kind of behaviour into him. “Tell me what he’s done so I can come over and make him wish he’d never been born.”

“Don’t… it’s not… fuck, I don’t even know where to start,” Dan said and groaned, his headache now at the point where he knew he needed to get a glass of water, otherwise he’d pass out.

“Just start from the beginning,” Louise said more gently now. She was probably sensing that voicing out loud how angry at Phil she currently was wouldn’t get Dan to talk.

“Right. I just need to drink something first.” He got up and shuffled into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from a shelf and filling it with tap water. He downed it in one go and then filled it anew, this time sipping on it slowly. “Okay, um, it was actually really fun at first. Phil’s very protective of his plants.” He couldn’t help but be a bit fond at the memory of Phil stopping him from killing that tiny plant Dan had wanted to pull out. “We got along amazingly well and he actually loves Muse and Studio Ghibli and basically everything that I like, too.”

“What’s the problem then?” Louise asked, sounding confused. Dan could understand; he was also confused by all of this.

“He has a boyfriend.” As soon as he’d said the words, the meaning of them really sunk in. Phil had a boyfriend. _ Fuck. _

“ _ What? _ What do you mean he has a boyfriend?”

“I mean, he’s in a relationship,” Dan answered sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, I got that part, thanks,” Louise said, if possible, even more sarcastically than Dan. “Wasn’t it him, though, who asked you out?”

“Yeah, it was.” Dan sighed. “Look, I don’t understand this either. One minute I was showing him my tats-”

“The one on your ass?”

“Oh, shut up!” Dan laughed and he noticed that he was in a better mood already, even if he still felt like shit.

“I wish you had one on your arse, though. Would look fantastic, I bet,” Louise said jokingly.

“Well, you certainly wouldn’t ever get to see it.” Dan smiled while he refilled his glass again, then leant against the kitchen counter.

“Oh, don’t worry, I would,” Louse replied and Dan kind of believed her. “Anyway,” she continued, “what was it you wanted to say?”

“Oh, right, um, so I was showing him the tats on my  _ arm  _ and then he was suddenly like ‘that one reminds me of Winston’”, Dan explained and sighed.

“That’s certainly odd.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. And he kept going on about him and I couldn’t listen to that so I left.”

“Did he actually say that Winston’s his bf, though?”

Dan stopped short at that. “What do you mean?” he asked carefully.

“I mean, did you just assume that Winston’s his bf or did he actually say it?”, Louise clarified and Dan really wished she hadn’t. He couldn’t stop himself thinking back to the day before, Phil and him sitting on the flower bed.

“I…,” Dan trailed off. Their conversation repeated itself in his head.

“He didn’t,” Louise said for him, knowing exactly what Dan was thinking. “Dan, you’re an idiot,” she added fondly.

Dan really felt like an absolute idiot. He was probably the most stupid person on earth and he wished he could dug himself a hole to bury himself in it and never come out. Ever again.

He facepalmed and then buried his face properly in his hands, the phone being held between his shoulder and head.

“Fuck, I fucked up,” he swore, groaning loudly, not only meaning that he’d walked away from Phil but also his breakdown afterwards that Louise most definitely did not need to know about.

He couldn’t actually believe himself. He’d drunk himself into a stupor over  _ nothing _ . It was definitely time to invent time travel so he could go back to the day before and slap his past self.

“Fuck, he probably hates me,” Dan said. He went back into the living room and let himself fall onto the sofa.

“Nonsense,” Louise said decisively. “He’s probably confused, though, about why you just up and left.”

“Uuugh.”

“I take that as affirmation,” Louise said, sniggering, “You should probably text him. I’m sure he’ll explain who Winston is if you just ask.”

“Great idea. I’ll just say ‘hey, I thought Winston was your boyfriend so I was upset and left even though we haven’t even been dating properly,  _ oops _ , by the way, who’s Winston actually?’,” Dan replied, gesticulating wildly. “Yeah, sure, sounds like something a totally normal person would say.”

“First of all, you’re not normal.”

“Gee, thanks,” Dan interrupted her sarcastically.

“You’re welcome. And secondly, I’m sure that if you rephrased that a tiny bit, he’d understand. And if not, text me and I’ll really come and kick his ass.”

Dan snorted and immediately afterwards winced as a particularly nasty pain shot through his temple. He massaged it with his free hand.

“I’ll let him know,” he answered but was secretly glad that Louise was always on his side, supporting him. He didn’t know what he’d do without her.

“Do that,” she said. “Let me know how it goes, yeah?”

“I will,” he reassured her although he wasn’t quite sure yet if and how he would actually approach Phil.

“Good!” she said, “I need to get going now.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye. Love you.”

Dan smiled. “Love you, too,” he replied and hung up. He sighed and stretched, his back still hurting like hell but at least his headache wasn’t as bad as it’d been before. He contemplated taking a shower but then decided against it because he couldn’t bother getting up and actually move. Thankfully his only customer for the day had cancelled their appointment on Saturday so Dan could afford to take a day off without having to call anyone. There was no way in hell he’d be able to work in the state he was in. Unfortunately, that left him with the whole day to think about what had happened and how he could approach Phil, and he wasn’t sure he was able to cope with how much of an idiot he was. So instead he turned on the telly on the lowest volume, watching a cooking programme and falling asleep halfway through it.

*

“And then he just left,” Phil ended his retelling of the past Sunday he’d spent with Dan.

Rachel furrowed her eyebrows, obviously confused. “That’s... weird,” she said eventually after a short pause.

“Even after he came across as a bit irritated, I made a joke and everything seemed normal but then he practically  _ ran away _ .” In his mind, Dan’s leaving replayed and Phil couldn’t stop himself from propping up his elbows on the counter and letting his head rest in his hands. “I don’t understand what I did wrong,” he said miserably.

“Maybe it wasn’t down to you.”

“Well, what then?” Phil asked. “I mean, it was only us two. What, apart from my behaviour, could’ve possibly upset him?” He sighed and reached for the speckled orchid but stopped at the last second and let his hand fall onto the wooden counter.

“Maybe he was just nervous,” Rachel replied and leant against the counter just as a customer came in. She smiled at Phil apologetically and went off to prepare a latte macchiato with an extra shot of espresso in a to-go cup. After the man had paid and left, she returned.

“Listen,” she said and he knew from the serious look on her face that she wouldn’t accept any complaints from him. “All of this is speculation. As long as you don’t ask him what exactly happened, you can replay a thousand scenarios of what might’ve happened in your head and still won’t have the slightest idea of the truth.”

As Phil opened his mouth to protest she raised an eyebrow. “According to what you‘ve told me, you seemed to get on like a house on fire. In my opinion, there’s no reason why he suddenly wouldn’t like you anymore,” she added. “Just ask him.”

“I wish it was that easy,” Phil replied. He knew that Rachel was right, like always. Even though she was still relatively young she saw everything more realistic than a lot of people her age. Phil was always impressed by her wisdom, especially when he remembered how he’d been at her age.

“It  _ is _ that simple.” She wiped down the counter with a wet cloth and nudged Phil’s arm so he would lift them. “And now I don’t want to see that sad look on your face anymore.”

At her words, Phil couldn’t stop himself from smiling even though he still felt queasy. He hadn’t slept all too well the previous night as he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he’d done wrong. However, what Rachel had said made him return to his plants with a better feeling. He had no clue what was going on with Dan and he certainly wasn’t in a position to judge his actions since he knew next to nothing about him. To get to know the truth he would simply have to ask him.

*

Over the course of the day Phil had mentally prepared himself for asking Dan what had happened the day before when he would come into the café at midday, getting a beverage like he always did. When the time ticked away and it got closer to closing time with no sight of Dan anywhere, Phil felt relieved and disappointed at the same time. He’d seen Dan so many times during the last weeks that it was weird not seeing him. Nevertheless, he was kind of glad he hadn’t had to ask Dan because despite Rachel telling him not to worry about it, he couldn’t just  _ stop  _ doing that. Of course, he was anxious about Dan’s answer and even though it wasn’t made better by the fact of Dan avoiding him, at least he didn’t have to worry about confronting him today.

During clean up, his gaze constantly wandered over to Dan’s tattoo studio but the light was off like it had been the entire day, and he could only see darkness behind the window. Phil felt a pang of sadness at seeing the shop like that but tried to ignore the feeling as he returned to his flat.

In complete contrast to the day before, he woke up the next day with something akin to hope at reconciling with Dan. Even if their relationship would be reduced to Phil only seeing Dan when he got coffee at Phil’s shop, that would at least mean he’d get to see Dan once in a while and Phil found that that made him quite happy. Happier than not seeing him at all, anyway.

His hope, however, diminished as the clock ticked away, and then disappeared entirely when he closed the shop and Dan still hadn’t shown up. His shop had been open but it seemed like Dan didn’t want to talk to Phil and somehow Phil still hadn’t plucked up the courage to just go over to Dan’s shop. He knew he needed some kind of encouragement from Rachel but she wasn’t working the next few days, which left him with Robert who’d rather focus on his work than listen to Phil’s problems. Of course, Phil didn’t judge him for it, after all, it wasn’t his job to help Phil with his unsuccessful love life. Maybe he should make that a condition for the next employee.

Then again, it wasn’t Rachel’s job either but he certainly could’ve used her kicking his ass – only figuratively, of course – so he would finally take matters into his own hands instead of leaving them to chance or in Dan’s hands.

On Wednesday, as the day crept nearer towards midday, Phil couldn’t stand it anymore. He knew that if he didn’t take action soon, this thing, whatever that was exactly, between him and Dan would never be sorted out and they could never go back to what they’d been before. And Phil definitely didn’t want that. He’d only known Dan for a few weeks but he liked him and he didn’t want give away this chance at happiness with him. He knew that second chances were extremely rare in life and although he believed in fate and all the processes related to that, he wanted to make his own future, thank you.

For at least an hour he thought about what he should say and just as he was arranging a bouquet of flowers for a customer, he got an idea. If he didn’t quite know how to arrange the words coming out of his mouth, he definitely knew another way to express them, namely through the magic of flowers. Well, not magic per se, but every flower did have a meaning so he could make a bouquet for Dan and even though Dan probably wouldn’t know what exactly it meant, he could look it up if he wanted to and see how Phil really felt.

Also, he kind of felt weird just showing up at Dan’s shop empty-handed and he wanted to see Dan’s reaction to the bouquet.

In the past, Phil had been rejected a few times due to his interest in plants. Obviously his love for vibrantly coloured flowers was rather  _ particular  _ and in comparison to an obsession with TV shows – which he also liked – rather weird and unpopular.

In the end, Phil chose lilac for the middle of the bouquet, squill for around it, as well as anemone and chrysanthemum. He topped the bouquet off with shield fern, to round everything off with a different colour and to give it some structure.

In some way Phil wanted Dan to get what he was trying to express with this arrangement of flowers, but a part of him kind of didn’t want him to understand and just see the flowers and like them. He didn’t particularly know why, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever, but when he thought about it, which he really tried not to, he realised that he might be slightly scared of Dan’s reaction. He wasn’t sure how he could handle Dan rejecting him. Phil showing Dan what he felt, even though they hadn’t known each other for that long, might make Dan feel uncomfortable and scare him off immediately.

Either way, Phil was going through with it. He hoped that Dan would appreciate the pleasing aesthetic of the bouquet - if nothing else.

After Phil was satisfied with how the bouquet looked, he slowly walked over to Robert – as if to delay his visit – and informed him that he’d be taking part of his break now. When he returned to the flower part of the shop, he turned around the sign at the door so it showed ‘closed’ to everyone walking by outside and eventually stepped through the door, pulling it close behind him.

He crossed the cobbled precinct and the closer he got to Dan’s tattoo parlour, the more uncertain his steps became. Why had he thought this to be a good idea again? Sometimes he could hardly manage to say something in a large group of people consisting only of his friends, and those people spent time with him because they liked him. With Dan, however, he had no idea where he stood exactly, which made it even more difficult for him. How had he possibly thought he could face Dan and give him the bouquet if he didn’t even know what light Dan currently saw him in?

An image popped up in his mind of that past Sunday with Dan. Dan had kneeled on the flower bed, having just planted another bulb as Phil had told him some kind of random fact about a flower, which he couldn’t remember anymore. Dan had lifted his gaze, looking at Phil with interest, like he actually  _ cared  _ for the random titbits Phil threw at him, which normally annoyed everyone else. That look in Dan’s soft brown eyes had taken Phil’s breath away. And as those pictures replayed in Phil’s mind, he knew again why he was doing this.

Dan had taken his breath away every minute they’d spent together. Either because Phil noticed again and again how beautiful Dan actually was or because Dan had made him laugh to the point where his eyes started to water and when he quite literally had had trouble breathing. Phil hadn’t met a lot of people like that and he knew too well how rare it was. He couldn’t let Dan walk out of his life without even trying to stop him.

Before opening the door to the front of the shop, Phil took a deep breath and then stepped inside. The shrill ringing of the bell announced him as a customer and startled Phil. He was glad to see that Dan wasn’t sitting on the black stool behind the counter so that he hadn’t seen how nervous and skittish Phil was at the moment.

It was probably very obvious with the way his hands started to shake, however, so he took a hold of the bouquet with both of his hands. Except then he thought that that kind of made him look like a bride – minus the dress and all – so he let go with his left hand.

Seconds later the curtain separating the actual studio in the back from the front got swept aside and Dan stood in the opening. When he saw Phil, however, he stepped forward and let the curtain cover the back again.

“Hey,” Phil said, his voice wavering a bit, and he became aware of how ridiculous he probably looked, which didn’t help his nervousness one bit. He felt his palms beginning to sweat.

“Hi,” Dan replied. He opened his mouth to add something but seemed to decide against it at the last second and closed it again.

“Um,” Phil said, in lack of actual words. He’d have loved to just turn around again and run back to his shop. He couldn’t for the life of him grasp why everything felt so tense between them.

Dan for his part didn’t seem to know what to say either. He just stared at Phil with an indecipherable look on his face. As his eyes wandered to the flowers, Phil plucked up his courage and offered it to Dan.

“These are for you,” he explained and waved them around a bit so Dan would finally stop staring at him.

Suddenly he seemed to wake from his trance and gingerly took the bouquet off Phil.

“Um, thanks.” He looked at the elaborately arranged flowers as if they were something completely else that he couldn’t explain to himself.

“I, um, wanted to apologise for Sunday,” Phil said eventually after what seemed like a small eternity of silence. “Whatever it is that I’ve done, I’m sorry. I had the impression that we got on very well, or at least I got on very well with you and I don’t know if it was the same for you but I wanted you to know that I’m sorry.” He knew that his words were quite impulsive and ramble-y but he couldn’t stop them from tumbling out of his mouth. “Would you give me another chance?” Phil breathed in deeply after there was nothing more left to say.

Dan looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck but a moment later a small smile appeared on his face, not quite reaching his eyes.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said and Phil had the feeling that it cost Dan a whole lot of courage to even say those words. “I just didn’t feel particularly well.”

Despite Dan’s reassurance, he still felt a bit queasy over what had happened and it was apparent that Dan wasn’t telling him the whole truth.

“Okay, good,” Phil said. He buried his hands in the front pocket of his jeans so they didn’t dangle next to him uselessly. “Would you like to come by on Saturday, then? We could watch a movie.” Even to his own ears that last sentence had sounded a lot like a question because even if Dan didn’t blame Phil for what happened that didn’t mean that he wanted to see him again.

Contrary to his doubts, though, a proper smile appeared on Dan’s face, showing his dimples. “I’d love to,” he said and brushed his fringe out of his eyes. Phil noticed that he was wearing blue gloves that engulfed Dan’s hands like a second skin. “I could come by at seven?”

Phil nodded in agreement. For a short moment there was lingering silence between them but this time it was formed by excitement for their date and not the nerve-racking nervousness from before.

Phil nodded again, more for himself than anything else. “I’ll see you on Saturday, then.”

Before he turned around, he saw Dan saluting to him with two fingers to his forehead. “See you.”

As Phil stepped into the sun, which was hiding behind fluffy, cotton-like clouds from time to time, he couldn’t stop an enormous smile from creeping on his lips.

He hadn’t messed this up and he had a date with Dan. It was way too long until Saturday.

*

Again, Dan felt like an idiot. Of course, this was nothing new, as he constantly found a way to get into awkward situations or misunderstand everything, but this whole thing with Phil made him feel even more useless than normally. All this time while he’d moped and only thought about himself, Phil had actually thought he’d done something wrong.

Well, considering Dan’s initial thoughts, that had been kind of correct, but as it had turned out, it hadn’t been. Actually, Dan still didn’t know who the fuck Winston was, but seeing how Phil had been the one to ask him out again, Dan thought Winston being his boyfriend was kind of farfetched. If Phil hadn’t compared Winston to the flowers on Dan’s arm, he would’ve thought that Winston was a dog.

Anyway, Dan really didn’t want to think about Winston anymore and thereby his complete and utter failure at being a rational human being. Instead, he finished updating his shop records and stored them away in his tiny, black filing cabinet. When he stood up, his back popped and he sighed.

He’d done quite a big tattoo today and concentrating on something so delicate for such a long time always exhausted him the most. He was basically ready to fall into bed and sleep for the next few days if it wasn’t for the fact that no matter what he did, his thoughts kept returning to Phil every time he didn’t pay attention. It didn’t help that his gaze had wandered over to the bouquet of flowers every few minutes during him writing down in his record keeping book. He just couldn’t stop looking at it, for some bizarre reason.

When he was finished for the day and had put everything into place for the next day, he couldn’t quite decide if he should rather leave the bouquet at his shop or take it home with him. At home, he would only see it in the mornings and evenings but in the shop, he’d probably not get to see it much either if he was in the back tattooing someone.

In the end, he took it with him. He’d put it into a makeshift vase consisting of a plastic cup so that it would survive longer. He probably looked weird walking through town with a bouquet of flowers and imagined he’d be the talk of town tomorrow due to all the elders having seen him walk by their windows.

That was another thing he didn’t particularly like about living here instead of London. There was a lack of anonymity and sometimes a lack of decency regarding the person that everyone talked about. By now Dan was kind of used to it since he’d been the talk of the town for days after he’d opened his shop but it still irked him that he wasn’t able to just do what he pleased without everyone judging him.

Finally arriving at his flat, he shook off those thoughts as he began the search for an actual vase. He knew he possessed one since his mum had given him one before he’d moved. Apparently, everyone needed to own a vase and even though Dan had scoffed when his mum had told him that, he was kind of glad now she’d forced one onto him.

The only problem was, however, that he had a habit of putting away things very well whenever he tidied up, which, in all honesty, didn’t happen particularly often. Nevertheless, he always thought the way he organised things, he’d definitely find them later at first try but then realised that his organisation was actually shit when he started looking for whatever he needed. It was the same with his vase now. He eventually found it behind some shoes in his wardrobe and he genuinely had no idea why he’d thought that was a reasonable place to store a vase.

He rinsed the vase out, then filled it with water and carried it over to the living room where he put it down on the table. That way he’d be able to see it whenever he sat down on the couch, which was a daily occurrence. He probably spent as much time on the sofa as he did in his bed and that meant something, considering sleeping was one of his favourite activities. Actually, whenever he didn’t need to leave the house for an entire day, he didn’t bother getting out of bed except for getting his laptop to keep him company and to get some food.

After making himself some toast with Marmite, Dan settled on the sofa, propping his feet up on the table. He only realised he’d been staring at the flowers the entire time when he finished his toast and looked towards the TV, noticing that he hadn’t even turned it on. He was clearly going insane. He knew Louise would say that he was falling in love but surely that wouldn’t entail looking at a bunch of flowers for ten minutes?

Dan sighed. He wanted to blame him being all over the place on the coffee he’d had that morning but he knew that it was down to Phil and nothing else. If he was being honest with himself, Phil had been occupying his thoughts since he’d first seen him and Dan didn’t think that’d change anytime soon.

Laying his plate on the table he leant forward to further inspect the bouquet. Of course, he’d had a proper look earlier but the combination of flowers kind of intrigued him and he asked himself not for the first time if they held any meaning. He was pretty sure that he’d read somewhere that most flowers symbolised something and therefore one had to be careful what flowers to give their significant others. At least, that was what Dan thought. He could only remember that the article had had a ridiculous clickbait-like title that had made him wonder how someone was paid for coming up with shit like that.

Either way, that persistent need of wanting to find out if Phil had just randomly put together this arrangement of flowers, or if he’d put further thought into it, nagged at Dan. He started to wonder if he knew someone who had any sort of knowledge of flowers beyond the average know-how of identifying ordinary flowers.

He ended up just scrolling through the contacts on his phone and as he was almost at the end, he stopped short at the sight of one name. PJ.

They hadn’t talked in a quite a while. Dan was surprised that he still had PJ’s number as he actually couldn’t remember when the last time they’d talked had been. But he was fairly certain that PJ had once been obsessed with flowers, so there was a chance he still knew a fair bit about that topic. And maybe this would be a good excuse to get into contact with PJ again? That was, if PJ even wanted that. 

He decided to just take the chance and anxiously tapped on the call button before he could change his mind. The dialling tone sounded a few times and Dan had almost given up hope when PJ picked up the phone.

“Hi, this is PJ,” Dan heard him say and even though they hadn’t had contact in what seemed like forever, the familiar tone of his voice calmed him down immediately.

“Hi,” he said, “this is Dan.”

“Dan?” PJ asked and laughed a little bit. “Dan, the tattoo artist?”

“Jep, that’s me.” Dan couldn’t help but chuckle at PJ’s incredulous tone.

“Oh my God. Haven’t heard from you in ages,” PJ said, stretching out the word ‘ages’ as if to emphasise that it had, indeed, been quite a long time.

“Likewise.”

“Right,” PJ replied and for a few seconds there was an almost touchable tension between them, as probably both thought about the reason why they hadn’t spoken in so long. “How’ve you been?” PJ then asked cheerfully and the moment was gone.

“Quite good actually. I’ve moved away from London,” and from Alex, he thought, but he didn’t need to say that, “to this small town in the middle of nowhere and I really don’t know why I thought it to be a good idea. Everyone’s so judgemental here.”

“That’s small towns for you right there,” PJ replied, chuckling. “I mean, I can see how it’s very charming to live somewhere more rural but I’d take London over the countryside any day.”

“Well, being a filmmaker in Castle Combe wouldn’t be very exciting, so I can see where you’re coming from,” Dan laughed, a fond smile appearing on his face. He’d missed PJ.

“And I don’t think the, what, 300 people who live there wouldn’t be too happy with me bringing tonnes of cardboard into the town.”

“Still into the cardboard?” Dan sniggered. He could all too well remember the times he’d helped PJ on his film sets and had been surprised to find that most of the props had been painted on cardboard.

“Yes, and I don’t think that’ll ever change. It’s very handy, y’know? The things you can make out of cardboard…” he trailed off there and Dan couldn’t help but full on laugh at that.

“That sounded entirely too dirty for you talking about freaking cardboard,” he managed to get out eventually, wiping away tears of laughter.

“You’re the one who said that,” PJ replied but he was laughing as well and it felt like they hadn’t spent any time apart whatsoever. “But back to you,” PJ continued, “I’m sure you didn’t just call me to reminisce about my cardboard fetish.”

Dan snorted. “No, um, actually,” he started, not quite knowing how to go about asking him. “Do you remember that short film you made where all the characters were flowers and you chose them because of the specific meanings they held?” the words rushed out of him.

“Of course I do. I invested countless hours of research into getting to know every aspect there is to know about flora,” PJ said. Dan could hear from the tone of his voice that he was quite confused as to why Dan would call him out of the blue asking about a short film he’d made five years ago.

“Well, do you still know a bit about the meanings of flowers?” Dan asked cautiously. PJ probably thought he’d gone insane with the way he slowly led up to his main question.

“Um, I have a pretty good memory, so yeah. Why?” At this point PJ started to sound kind of bewildered.

“I, um,... someone gave me a bouquet of flowers today and I was wondering if they mean anything and I couldn’t think of anyone else to call, so…” Dan trailed off, not quite knowing what else to say.

“That’s all?” PJ laughed. “I thought you were gonna ask me because of a tattoo or something but this is certainly more interesting.”

“You sound like one of the old people in this town,” Dan replied and rolled his eyes. “I’m glad I didn’t grow up here, otherwise everyone would probably come outside as soon as I walked by, asking me about my secret admirer,” he joked.

“First of all, I take that as a compliment. At least that means that I’m always on top of the gossip. And secondly, I am making it a condition that you tell me about that secret admirer of yours if you want me to help you decipher that flower message of yours.”

“Y’know, I can see your smug grin through the phone,” Dan said and groaned, even though he didn’t really mind PJ knowing about Phil if it meant that the two of them were friends again. “But fine. I’ll tell you about him.”

“Okie doke. I’m glad we agreed. So go on, tell me what kind of flowers he put into that bouquet.”

“Right, um, I’m not really that knowledgeable when it comes to flowers but I’m pretty sure that one thing is lilac,” Dan said. “Um, yeah, I really don’t know the other ones, though.”

“Wow, glad I could be of help,” PJ joked. “Maybe you should send me a picture so that I can see for myself what kind of flowers there are.”

“Okay, let me just-” Dan took the phone away from his ear. He managed to open the camera app without ending the call and snapped two pictures for his friend, sending them via WhatsApp.

“Did you get those?” he asked.

“Yeah, let me have a look,” PJ just said and there was a rustling on the other side of the line and then silence.

Dan started nibbling on his thumbnail as he waited for PJ to say something and eventually rested his legs on top of the table, not taking his eyes off the flowers.

“Okay!” PJ suddenly exclaimed and Dan almost fell off the sofa. “I’d say that guy’s got it bad for you.”

“Really?” Dan asked incredulously after a few seconds. “Why? What do the flowers say?”

“I could be wrong but the lilac basically symbolises blooming love and if that doesn’t say the guy’s falling for you, then I don’t know what would.”

Dan nodded, having forgotten that PJ couldn’t actually see him, but PJ just continued on.

“Squill can be used to ask to forget or to ask for forgiveness. You probably know better which one it’s supposed to be,” PJ said and Dan wanted to interrupt but PJ kept talking, “Anemone means something like ‘I want to be with you’ if I remember correctly and the chrysanthemum top everything off with saying that your guy is ready for a relationship with you and that he thinks you’re  _ enchanting _ .”

Dan didn’t know what to say. Was that what Phil had wanted to tell him but hadn’t been able to say? Or was Dan not meant to actually understand the message behind the flowers? But what if Phil had accidentally put together those flowers, not being aware of their meaning?

“All in all, I think it’s safe to say that he really likes you,” PJ said, not aware of Dan’s inner turmoil.

“I…,” Dan said. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what to  _ think _ .

“You do know that you have to tell me about him, right?” PJ said after a while and Dan was glad that he didn’t straight out ask Dan what the heck was wrong because he had no idea how to put everything into words.

“He, um, his name’s Phil,” Dan replied. For someone who claimed to be very articulate most of the time he sometimes found it difficult to even form words. “He’s a florist and he owns this coffee/flower shop directly opposite my tattoo parlour, and he’s pretty obsessed with flowers, but I think that’s kind of obvious. He’s, um, he’s also very cute.”

“He’s a florist!” PJ exclaimed as if he’d just found out all the secrets to life. “So he obviously arranged those flowers to have a meaning, that’s amazing!”

Dan chuckled. PJ sounded more excited about this whole thing than Dan, although Dan was quite happy about the flowers and, letting the info that PJ had given him sink in, he couldn’t help but smile. It should have been obvious what with Phil having asked him out again but only now Dan realised that Phil honestly liked him. He’d given him flowers for fuck’s sake. Dan had never gotten flowers from anyone before and it made him pretty damn happy.

“If you two work out, you definitely have to introduce me to him sometime,” PJ said.

“I will,” Dan replied and found that he meant it. He absolutely wanted to see PJ again and he also definitely wanted him and Phil to work.

“Do tell me when you’ve got a free weekend and I’ll make sure to clear my timetable and come over to that small town of yours so that your elderly friends have something new to talk about.”

“I will most certainly do that,” Dan said and smiled. “Wouldn’t want to keep away the new gossip material from my  _ friends _ .”

PJ chuckled at that. “It was really nice talking to you again, Dan,” he suddenly said in a serious tone.

“Yeah, it was nice talking to you, too,” Dan replied, hearing the unspoken ‘ _ I’ve missed you _ ’ that passed between them.

“Talk to you soon, yeah?” PJ said and somehow he managed to not make it sound like a question at all but a fact.

“Yeah, bye Peej, and thanks for your help,” Dan said and hung up after a final goodbye from his friend.

He exhaled heavily, raking a hand through his hair and staring at the flowers again. A million different thoughts buzzed through his head but the one that stood out the most was that Phil liked him. He actually, honestly  _ liked him _ and Dan blushed at the notion that Phil wanted to be in a relationship with him and that he found Dan to be  _ enchanting _ .

His heart was beating fast and Dan couldn’t stop smiling even though he was still afraid of what the consequence of all of that meant. Because as much as he wanted it, there was also still a part of him that was afraid of commitment in the sense of being dependent on another person. He tried to suppress those thoughts but despite the happiness he felt, he couldn’t stop them from resurfacing again and again.

He knew that Louise would tell him that he just needed to take everything slow, but so far this whole thing with Phil had felt like a ride on a rollercoaster that would never stop and he had the feeling that he was losing control.

But maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to enjoy the ride, revelling in the exhilarating freedom. And maybe, if Phil was there by his side then they could both be in control, sharing the responsibility of deciding where their journey would take them.

*

After finding out about Phil’s flower message Dan wasn’t sure how to act around Phil. He still showed up the next day to get coffee at his shop but didn’t get a chance to talk to Phil as he was busy with another customer in the flower shop. Dan didn’t want to awkwardly hover near Phil and wait for him to come over so he just quickly waved at him as Phil looked over and left.

Walking back over to his studio and working on some tattoo drawings, he decided to not bring up the flowers. If Phil did want to know if Dan had understood the message, he could ask but until then Dan kind of wanted to keep it to himself, for some bizarre reason that he didn’t understand.

When he went over the day after to get a hot chocolate, Phil didn’t ask. Instead, he drew a tiny sunflower on his to-go cup and informed him that sunflowers actually turned towards the sun during the day, making them heliotrope. Dan assumed the latter just meant what Phil had said before condensed into one smart word and smiled at him, thinking that if he was a sunflower, he’d most definitely always turn towards Phil.

He finally remembered to text Louise after he left the shop with the hot chocolate in his one hand and a muffin (courtesy of Phil who seemingly thought Dan didn’t eat enough) in the other. He kind of felt guilty having forgotten to text Louise two days ago but then he recalled the one time he forgot to contact her for two weeks and thought that at least this time he’d been a bit quicker. Also, she should be used to this kind of behaviour from him by now. It wasn’t like he’d ever been good at communicating to begin with.

As the days crept nearer towards Saturday the more nervous Dan became. Being aware of Phil liking him didn’t actually make this whole situation any easier despite it seeming like it somehow should. It put a new kind of pressure on him, making everything seem too fast, and Dan wasn’t sure he could handle that.

If Phil was already sure that he wanted to be in a relationship with Dan, then he surely expected...  _ things  _ from him. And Dan wasn’t certain how much of himself he was willing to give at this point. He would’ve liked to be able to dive into this head-first but the reality of the situation was that the more he wanted that, the more uneasy and uncertain he felt. 

The question that plagued him the most during the whole of Saturday morning and afternoon was how long Phil was willing to wait for Dan to be ready. Especially since Dan had no intention of telling Phil about all of his problems anytime soon. Sure, honesty and communication were the most important things in maintaining a healthy relationship but Dan wasn’t the kind of person to share everything on the first date. Or the second one, for that matter.

He had a hard time talking about what had happened with his friends, how on earth was he supposed to tell someone that he’d only gotten to know recently?

Ugh, Dan was giving himself a headache again from all the overthinking. He truly longed to be able to stop thinking even for a few minutes. Apparently, though, that was too much to ask for and he spent entirely too much time on deciding what to wear, considering he only owned black clothing anyway.

Of course, all of his pondering and indecisiveness made him late. This also wasn’t anything new - Dan didn’t think he could ever not be late - but at least it wasn’t half an hour this time, only five minutes. Okay, more like ten, but he’d forgotten how long it took to walk to Phil’s flat - even though he took that same path every morning to work and back.

It only took a few seconds after Dan had rang the bell until the door opened and judging from Phil’s slight breathlessness Dan guessed he’d run down the stairs at full speed upon hearing it.

The faint light coming from the hallway illuminated Phil in a way that made him seem to glow from within and Dan couldn’t stop staring at his face, soft from the light caressing it.

“Hi,” he eventually said, sounding entirely too breathless for just having stood in the same spot.

Upon Dan’s words Phil seemed to realise they’d just been staring at eachother and even through the dim lighting Dan could see the pink tint to his cheeks that hadn’t been there before.

“Hey,” he replied and moved to the side, motioning Dan to come in, which he did.

He stepped past Phil and took off his leather jacket, hanging it up on one of the hooks behind the door that were shaped like different flowers. Dan absentmindedly asked himself if everything Phil possessed was shaped like or adorned with flowers. That question, however, was answered as soon as he followed Phil upstairs into the rest of his apartment.

There were countless of houseplants everywhere, making it seem like a jungle, but judging from the rest of the decorations Phil was a proper nerd.

There was a shelf with DVDs in his living room that also housed quite a few video games as well as some merchandise from Adventure Time and a Pac-Man lamp that Dan secretly wanted to take home with him. The upper floor of Phil’s apartment was basically Dan’s dream apartment and he wished his flat was even a tiny bit like Phil’s. He vowed to himself not to let Phil into his flat until he’d acquired at least two pieces of merchandise, no matter what from.

“Make yourself at home on the couch,” Phil said and then scurried away, leaving Dan standing in the middle of the living room, not quite sure what to do with himself.

Despite being extremely curious what else Phil had hidden in this room, he plunked himself down on the sofa, sighing at feeling how soft it was. If he owned a couch like this, he probably wouldn’t even need a bed anymore. Dan imagined that this was what sleeping on a cloud would probably feel like if they consisted of more than just water and one was able to actually step on them without plummeting towards one’s death.

Phil came back surprisingly fast and as he sat down next to Dan, he held a menu in his hand.

“I thought we could order pizza or something,” he said and looked questioningly at Dan.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Dan replied and grinned. Pizza, a movie, a perfectly comfortable couch, a cute guy sitting next to him, that sounded like the perfect date to him.

It turned out that the place Dan had ordered pizza from in his first week of living here wasn’t the only place that did deliveries. There was a restaurant around the corner of Tesco’s that, according to Phil, made the best pizza in the entire world. Phil admitted that he hadn’t actually travelled all that much to be able to claim this with a hundred percent certainty but until now he’d never had a better pizza anywhere so his point still stood.

Dan had just raised an eyebrow and told Phil that he highly doubted any pizza could be better than the one he’d had in Italy three years ago but that he was willing to give it a try. Secretly, he was more than happy that Phil shared his favourite pizza place with him and it made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Unfortunately, Phil wasn’t the only person that immensely enjoyed the pizza from that specific restaurant and they had to wait roughly thirty minutes for the delivery guy to arrive.

Dan awkwardly hovered at the top of the stairs as Phil went downstairs and paid the guy, gently holding the pizza boxes in his arms as if they were a child. Dan could relate; food was the most important thing in his life.

When Phil walked past him Dan went to follow him back into the living room but then Phil stopped abruptly just as he’d passed the door, causing Dan to almost bump into him.

“I swear to God, Phil, you’re doing this on purpose,” Dan said and Phil turned around, giggling and biting his lip.

“I’m really not,” he laughed. “I just remembered that I haven’t introduced you to Winston yet.”

Okay, now Dan was positively confused. There was no one else here apart from them. Unless Phil had hidden someone in his study.

“Um, okay?” Dan answered and Phil smiled at him happily. He laid down the pizza boxes on the small table in front of the sofa and turned around again, motioning for Dan to step inside the room. Still not knowing what was happening, Dan walked towards Phil and then stopped to turn to where he was pointing.

He wasn’t quite sure what exactly it was supposed to be that Phil wanted him to look at. The area he was pointing at housed a few different things. For once, there were two plants: a big, overall green one with heart shaped leaves and another one with vibrantly red flowers. There was also a big lamp, illuminating both plants.

“May I introduce,” Phil suddenly said, startling Dan. “Mary and Winston.” He pointed from the big plant to the smaller one and Dan thought he hadn’t quite heard that correctly.

He blinked slowly, just to make sure that he wasn’t hallucinating what he was seeing, but when he opened his eyes again there were still only the two plants there.

Had he really been  _ that stupid _ ?

Jumping out of the window sounded like a pretty good idea right this instant. At least then he wouldn’t have to face his own stupidity and think about how he’d had a crisis about a  _ fucking plant _ .

Dan raked a hand through his hair, sighing but forcing a smile onto his lips so as not to startle Phil at his sudden weird mood. He felt sick and disgusted by himself for being who he was and he wasn’t sure if he could do this date. Or this  _ thing  _ with Phil in general. If he freaked out over something like this then what would he be like when something major happened?

He only marginally realised that Phil had moved over to the couch and was putting glasses on the table but he couldn’t stop his heart from beating faster than normal and his hands from shaking.

God, he was such an idiot. At times like these - not that something similar had ever happened to him - he could barely stand himself and he wondered how anyone, especially someone as pure as Phil, wanted to be around him. Maybe Phil hadn’t realised yet that Dan was broken, that he was as flawed as it got.

All of a sudden there was something warm on his arm and Dan startled, turning his head to see a concerned looking Phil next to him, his hand on Dan’s arm.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, worry evident in his voice.

Dan swallowed, realising that he’d just had a mini panic attack. “I…,” he said but didn’t know how to continue. He looked at Phil, really looked at him, and saw concern on his features, his colourful eyes fixed on Dan’s face.

“I think I’m okay now,” Dan said truthfully because he couldn’t lie to Phil who looked at him so openly and so obviously cared for Dan that it made him hurt all over. He didn’t want to fake a smile and pretend like nothing happened, even though he’d obviously never tell Phil what had just happened, but Phil deserved honesty from him if he could give him nothing else.

Phil smiled at him, cautiously, Dan observed, as it didn’t reach his eyes, but it was something and Dan smiled back a tiny bit, the action not feeling amazing but at least fine.

“Pizza?” Phil asked softly, this time with a happier smile, and let his hand fall away, making Dan’s arm feel too cold without it.

He nodded and followed Phil to the couch where they both sat down. Phil handed Dan his pizza box, then got up again to slide the DVD into the player. They’d decided on Totoro earlier while waiting for their food to arrive and Dan was glad they’d chosen a more light hearted movie because he needed some sort of pick-me-up now. He didn’t want to continue the evening in the strange mood he’d created.

Luckily for him, Phil was even clumsier than him and two minutes into the movie he’d managed to get hot cheese all over himself, causing Dan to laugh while Phil just pouted, looking too damn adorable for his own good. Phil got his revenge later though when he’d made a particularly dirty joke while Dan had been drinking coke, leading Dan to unattractively snort coke over himself. Fortunately, he’d only taken a small sip. Phil couldn’t stop laughing, though, and as punishment Dan took  to tickling the heck out of Phil, who in turn laughed even more and accidentally shifted to sit on the remote control so that the TV turned off.

“Stooop,” Phil whined between laughs, “I can’t-” He swatted at Dan’s hand as he went in for another attack.

“Stop, stop, stop!” he exclaimed, managing to avoid Dan’s hands by bringing up his knees onto the sofa and pressing them to his chest. He was still laughing, even though Dan had already stopped, and his cheeks had a lovely pink tint to them. He looked gorgeous.

Dan grinned at him. “You provoked me,” he said, pretending to want to tickle Phil again but Phil saw it coming anyway and grasped Dan’s hand so that he wasn’t able to move away. Phil’s hand was incredibly warm around his and Dan could feel his cheeks grow red.

“I did not,” Phil replied but he was grinning as well and Dan’s heart started beating faster as Phil suddenly leant forward. His thigh pressed into Dan’s and then Dan could feel Phil’s body heat and it got way too hot too fast and Dan couldn’t  _ breathe  _ and he jerked backwards, his back crashing against the armrest of the sofa. Phil let go of his hand instantly and Dan couldn’t look at him, he couldn’t bear to see in his eyes how much he had to think that Dan was broken.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he babbled, the words tumbling out of his mouth without him wanting them to. He could feel tears prick at his eyes and he pressed his hands onto them. He would not cry in front of Phil. He’d made him not want him anymore but that didn’t mean that Dan couldn’t keep that last scrap of dignity. He would not let Phil see that much of him.

When his breathing had returned to a calmer rhythm, he let his hands fall into his lap. Lifting his gaze, he was surprised that Phil was still sitting on the sofa. He had expected him to leave since Dan had so blatantly rejected him.

“Dan,” Phil said softly and the tone of his voice cut into Dan’s heart, deeply. “I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable. I didn’t…” he trailed off.

“Can I be honest?” Phil asked and Dan almost scoffed at that, because  _ of course _ Phil could be honest with him. It would probably be better if he straight up told him what he thought about him than giving him false hope. He nodded.

“I like you,” Phil said and that was definitely the last thing Dan had expected him to say. “Were you aware that I intended this to be a date?”

Dan furrowed his brow. Of course he’d been aware of that. The flowers had been a dead giveaway.

“Yeah,” he croaked and he was surprised at how exhausted his voice sounded.

Phil nodded. “Okay.” He looked down at his hands and then back up to Dan again. “Do you…,” he started but then looked away again. “Do you not like me then?”

Dan froze. Phil looked hurt. Properly hurt, like someone had set all of his plants on fire and then made a celebratory cake out of the ashes. It made Dan feel like absolute shit.

“No, no, no,” he hurriedly said and almost reached out for Phil’s hand but he didn’t know if his touch was welcome anymore and he also wasn’t sure if he was ready for physical contact himself. “I like you, too,” he added and could feel his cheeks heat.

Phil looked up at that and there was something akin to a small smile on his face. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” Dan answered with as much sincerity as he could, needing Phil to understand that it was too much for Dan and that he wasn’t sure how to handle it right now. “I’m just-”  _ broken _ .

“It’s okay,” Phil said, apparently understanding Dan without words. “We can take it slow. If you want that, I mean-”

“Yeah, I want that,” Dan interrupted him and smiled at Phil, causing the other to smile back as well.

“Okay.” Phil looked back towards the TV, the screen black. “Should we continue?”

“Yeah,” Dan said and scooted back to his original position so that only a tiny bit of their knees were touching. It felt warm where Phil’s knee touched his but it wasn’t stifling and Dan thought he could get used to this.

*

_ A few months earlier _

_ Dan only noticed how badly his hands were shaking when he almost dropped his phone. _

_ All of a sudden he was back there, in their flat, their bedroom. Images flashed in his mind and he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe, just relive those seconds that were seared onto his inner eyes, never to be forgotten again. _

_ He tried to calm down, he knew he needed to calm down, but it was as if his body wasn’t even his anymore. He lost control over everything, floating through a black void, spinning out of control, never to regain footing again. _

_ It wasn’t until someone put their hand on his shoulder, that he took a shaky breath, his heart beating so fast it hurt, his head swimming from the lack of oxygen. _

_ The person spoke to him but he wasn’t listening, couldn’t concentrate on the words. They were probably meaningless anyway. He turned away without looking, stumbling up the road, following the light of the street lamps, illuminating his otherwise dark way. _

_ He didn’t realise he had pulled up one of his contacts until he heard a dialling tone at this ear. _

_ “Hello, Louise here.” _

_ “Lou.” Dan wanted to say more, wanted to tell her what had happened but his throat closed up and he couldn’t get the words out he so badly needed so say. _

_ “Dan? Is everything alright?” Worry laced her voice and he hated himself for putting it there. He tripped over a wonky stone and almost fell. _

_ “I...” Tears pricked at his eyes and he couldn’t stop a sob from escaping. _

_ “What’s wrong?” Louise’s voice sounded urgent. Under different circumstances Dan would’ve been able to understand her worry, see under what stress he had put her but he didn’t know how to speak anymore. How could he put the shattering of his entire world, happening in seconds but influencing him forever, into a few sentences? _

_ “Do you want me to come over?” _

_ “No!” Dan almost shouted. A woman who had just gone outside to put away the trash hurried back inside her house. He didn’t give a fuck. She had no idea what he was going through, the pain that had laced itself around his heart, threatening to crush it. “I can’t...” He wanted to say that he couldn’t go back, that he could never go back there. He wanted to tell her that he needed her, needed her as a life line so he wouldn’t drown. _

_ “Okay, where are you?” Her voice sounded calmer now, like she was trying to take control over the situation, taking the weight off of Dan’s shoulders. _

_ “I’m...” He looked up and tried to spot a road sign which was nearly impossible through the shimmering of tears before his eyes, clouding his vision. He noticed tears streaming down his face, creating a river of emotions that he couldn’t put into words. Then he saw a familiar crossroad. “Crescent Road,” he said, his voice cracking on the last word. _

_ “Okay, stay there. I’m coming to pick you up,” she said and he could distantly hear her closing a door and getting into a car. “I’m going to put you on speaker. You don’t have to say anything.” _

_ Dan knew that this was as much for her as for him. She was afraid for him, afraid that he would do something stupid, something careless. As much as Dan would like to think that he wasn’t like that, would never intentionally hurt himself, he knew that wasn’t true. _

_ The phone heated up his ear and he was still shaking but he didn’t put it down. He couldn’t. This was what was keeping him on the ground, stopping him from floating away, into unknown waters. _

_ It could’ve been hours but had in reality probably been a few minutes until a car stopped beside him. Louise was next to him instantly, hugging him, and it was like before had been nothing but a tiny rivulet and now he had been unplugged. Sobs wracked his body and he couldn’t hold back anymore. He tightened his arms around her and cried into her shoulder. _

_ He heard her talk to him but the words didn’t reach his ears. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t listen, couldn’t speak; he was barely existing anymore. _

_ Louise manoeuvred him into the car. The ride over to her apartment was short but Dan wouldn’t have noticed either way. He was staring outside the window, the tears slowly stopping to run down his cheeks until there were no more tears left, only emptiness inside him. _

_ He felt so tired all of a sudden. Tired of crying but most of all tired of living. _

_ Arriving at Louise’s apartment she immediately steered him towards the bedroom, stripping him of his jeans and pushing him onto the bed. He felt her gently kissing him on the forehead after pulling up the duvet to his shoulders. Then blackness surrounded him. He didn’t know if Louise had simply turned off the lights or if his eyes had fallen shut but either way, the darkness emphasised the lack of emotions, the lack of everything he thought he had been. There was nothing there now where once his heart had been, nothing where that light had been once upon a time, illuminating his way. Now he was only darkness. _

*

Phil loved the smell that permeated the air after rain started to fall. He had learned a while ago that that exact smell was called petrichor and that it was caused by an oil produced by plants, which was released in connection with another chemical into the air during rain. It made the smell even more special to Phil, the partial cause of it being plants, and it made him feel at home, no matter where he was.

He leant against the till in the flower shop, watching the rain pelt down outside. Since Sunday evening the weather had been absolutely miserable. Not that Phil complained, he really liked rain after all and it was definitely good for the plants in his garden, but with weather like this, there were hardly any customers coming in. Most people rather stayed at home than braving the weather.

He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and unlocked the screen, a picture of a red panda sitting in a tree greeting him and making him smile. He opened his messages and reread the last ones Dan and him had sent each other.

Despite everything that had happened on their date, they’d ended the night on a good note and had texted each other endlessly since then. Dan had sent him a few pictures of memes that Phil didn’t quite understand and in turn Phil had showered him with funny animal photos. Their conversations felt easy and unforced and they made him smile like nothing else.

And even though Phil had only seen Dan two days ago, he kind of missed him. He itched to go over to Dan’s shop and see what he was up to but considering what had happened on Saturday, Phil didn’t want to pressure Dan and force himself onto him all the time.

Maybe he could send Dan a text, asking if he was welcome. If Dan didn’t want to see him, he was at least able to say ‘No’ than in contrast to Phil just showing up unannounced. He would test the waters first, though.

**Phil 14.07:**   
_ Is your shop as empty as mine? I think the newly blooming cactus might have scared everyone away with its death smell _

**Dan 14:08:**   
_ that’s your cactus??? I thought I might’ve somehow scared everyone away. glad i was wrong _

**Phil 14:08:**   
_ Actually, are you sure it’s not you? I just smelled the cactus to confirm my theory and it’s not coming from there _

**Dan 14:08:**   
_ there must be sth wrong with your sense of smell then _

Phil chuckled and looked over to Dan’s shop but through the veil of rain he couldn’t make anything out past the window.

**Phil 14:09:**   
_ Says Mr Is-this-coffee-or-hot-chocolate-I-can’t-tell-from-the-smell _

**Dan 14:09:**   
_ how long have you been waiting to use that one _

**Phil 14:10:**   
_ You don’t even want to know. _

Phil stared at his phone as he awaited an answer. He probably wouldn’t have even noticed anyone coming into his shop at that point, considering how immersed he was into looking at his phone. Unfortunately for him, Dan didn’t text him back for several minutes. Bored out of his mind, Phil decided that he would redraw some of the signs that were distributed throughout the two shops in the meantime, since he’d been meaning to do that for several days now.

He was in the middle of drawing an aloe vera talking to a watering can when his phone vibrated, signalling an incoming message from Dan. As soon as he’d washed the chalk off his hands, he pulled out his phone in anticipation.

**Dan 14:33:**   
_ considering I only said that last week it can’t have been too long _

Phil actually snorted at that. He was indeed quite glad that he was alone in the shop. And he was especially glad that Rachel wasn’t there. She didn’t need any more material to tease him with.

**Phil 14:35:**   
_ Are you secretly cloning geese or did someone actually walk into your shop just then? ;) _

**Dan 14:38:**   
_ if I was able to clone I certainly wouldn’t be cloning geese _

**Dan 14:38:**   
_ just imagine ten evan p’s in various states of undress I mean _

Phil chuckled. Of course, if Dan knew how to clone, he’d use it for that. Phil would probably have cloned Dan so that he could always have one by his side while the other worked. He wouldn’t tell Dan that, though.

**Phil 14:39:**   
_ Somehow I don’t think my customers would approve _

**Dan 14:39:**   
_ who even cares. srsly tho, feels like a ghost town atm _

**Phil 14:40:**   
_ Maybe the apocalypse happened while we weren’t looking? o__O _

**Dan 14:40:**   
_ quick come over I’ve got a panic room and an axe _

**Phil 14:40:**   
_ What if I die while crossing the street? _

**Dan 14:41:**   
_ then I will mourn you by eating the chocolate bar that’s been lying in my drawer for ages _

**Phil 14:41:**   
_ Good to know that I mean that much to you ;) _

Phil wondered if now was a good time to ask Dan if he could come over. He had kind of invited him to do so already, even if only as a joke. Maybe he should just bite the bullet and ask. The worst that could happen was Dan saying ‘No’ and Phil could definitely deal with that. He was an adult after all - even if only by age.

**Phil 14:43:**   
_ Do you want company? I could bring hot chocolate ^_^ _

There, he’d sent it. He almost felt giddy looking at his phone and waiting for a response.

**Dan 14:44:**   
_ sure _

Phil couldn’t help but start to smile. Again he was glad that Rachel wasn’t there because she definitely would’ve made fun of him for the way he almost danced towards the door to turn around the sign and lock it from the inside. He then made his way over to the café and started to prepare a hot chocolate for Dan and a coffee for himself. After all, he didn’t know how long he was going to be at the tattoo studio.

When everything was ready and he’d put the lids on the cups, he turned around the sign at the door to the café before he stepped outside into the rain.

Maybe he should’ve taken an umbrella with him.

Oh well, he’d only been outside for a few seconds and was already quite wet, it didn’t really matter anymore. He quickly locked the door behind him and ran over to Dan’s shop, pushing the glass door open and walking inside.

Dan sat behind the counter, leaning over something lying in front of him, but he looked up as the bell chimed. A smile appeared on his face as he saw that it was Phil.

“I’m glad to see you weren’t eaten by zombies,” he said as he straightened up.

“I did need to run the last few metres but I think I outran them.”

“I might eat the chocolate bar anyway,” Dan said, fidgeting with his hair and making sure his fringe was falling in the correct way.

Phil walked up to the counter and placed the two steaming cups on it, nudging one over to Dan. “You should,” Phil replied, looking at Dan, whose cheekbones seemed entirely too pronounced in the bright light of the shop.

“Thank you,” Dan sighed as he’d taken a sip of the hot beverage. “I’ll pay you later.”

Phil just waved him off. “That’s alright.”

Dan seemed to want to protest but then he just smiled again. “Thanks.”

Phil rested his arms on the counter, leaning on them, and looked at what was in front of Dan that he’d been staring at. It looked to be a drawing of some sort but since it was the other way around, Phil couldn’t tell what exactly it was supposed to be.

“So, what have you been up to?” he asked.

“You mean besides replying to this guy that won’t stop sending me animal pictures?” he replied and lifted an eyebrow. Despite the sarcastic tone of his voice, though, he looked at Phil fondly.

“You started it with the memes!” Phil protested.

Dan laughed at that, leaning back in his chair, and for a moment Phil was afraid that he would fall over.

“True,” Dan said and grinned. “Seriously, though, I’ve been working on this tattoo template the whole day.”

“Oh,” Phil said excited. He’d never actually seen Dan draw anything and despite from the few tattoo drawings that were hung up on the wall, he’d not seen any of the results of his work either. “Can I have a look?”

“Sure,” Dan said nonchalantly, but Phil could see from the way he’d tensed up that he was nervous. He turned the piece of paper around so that it faced Phil, who leant forwards to be able to look at it properly.

As soon as Phil had had a first proper look, he asked himself how he hadn’t realised what the drawing was upon first glance. It was so obvious now what the swirling patterns and carefully placed pencil lines were illustrating. The drawing showed the eight planets of the solar system in space, their differences especially made visible through their varying sizes, and they all seemed to glow somehow. It absolutely mesmerised Phil that Dan had actually created this piece of art.

“What do you think?” Dan asked, nodding towards the paper as if he didn’t quite care.

“It’s…,” Phil started, looking for the right words that could condense the magnificence of this drawing into a sentence, “the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah?” Dan said, sounding surprised.

“Yeah. I didn’t know you could draw this well.”

“I try,” Dan said and shrugged, looking down at the pencil he’d been using before Phil had entered his shop. He was obviously trying not to show how much Phil’s opinion meant to him but Phil could see the beginning of a smile tug at his lips and he seemed about a hundred times happier than he had just a moment ago.

“If this is you trying, I don’t want to know how the drawings look that you actually put effort into,” Phil said and smiled as Dan looked up again. He was positively beaming at Phil and practically radiated happiness and Phil swore to himself to compliment Dan’s skills more often if it brought out this side of him.

“Do you want to see more?” Dan asked tentatively and turned around when Phil nodded, pulling a binder out of the shelf behind him and handing it to Phil.

“Thanks,” Phil said and opened it, being greeted with a beautiful drawing of a rose, depicted so realistically that Phil wanted to pick it up off the page. He lost himself in studying the tattoo templates while Dan continued to work on one of the planets and for some time they sat like that in comfortable silence. That was until Phil remembered something he’d wanted to ask Dan since the day he’d first seen him.

“Dan?”

“Hmh.” Dan didn’t lift his gaze and kept staring intently at his drawing.

“Why is your shop’s name Ink Is Not On Fire?” Phil asked and shifted from one leg to the other.

“Oh,” Dan just answered and a light blush appeared on his cheeks. He finally looked up at Phil, nervously biting his lip.

“It was actually supposed to be a joke,” he said and pulled a strange face, as if he was wondering why the hell he was even sharing this information with Phil in the first place. “You know how everyone has an internet nickname?”

Phil wanted to nod but Dan continued before he could do so. “Mine was danisnotonfire,” Dan scoffed and created speech marks with his fingers while saying the name. “It’s stupid really but Louise had the idea that it’d be really funny to take that name and just change dan into ink to make it special or whatever,” he explained and rolled his eyes. “Problem is that the company who made the sign fucked up and now it doesn’t even look ironic anymore, just incredibly stupid.”

Phil stifled a laugh. “Would it make you feel better if I told you what my nickname used to be?”

“Depends,” Dan said, eyeing him warily.

“I mean, it’s not as great as yours but it’s pretty amazing, if I do say so myself,” Phil tried to say with a straight face, failing miserably.

“I thought you came here so we could have a good time but I honestly am feeling so attacked right now,” Dan said and pouted.

“Is that one of your memes again?” Phil managed to get out. His stomach was hurting from laughing so much.

“I’ll never share any memes with you ever again,” Dan said and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Phil decided to have mercy on Dan. “It’s AmazingPhil.”

“What?” Dan stared at him.

“My nickname, it’s AmazingPhil,” Phil clarified and grinned at Dan, who was gaping at him.

“Oh my God,” he said and then doubled over laughing. “That-” He was laughing so much he couldn’t even get any proper words out. “You-”

“I know,” Phil just said, shaking his head. “But you know, it could’ve been Poo123 or SexyGiraffe so I’m not complaining too much.”

Dan looked at him at that, still giggling. “You spoon,” he said fondly and Phil felt all warm and fuzzy inside, nothing like the weather that was raging outside, and he thought he’d found a thing that he liked even more than rain.

The next few weeks flew by in a blur of Dan and coffee and plants and Phil wondered how his life had been before he had met Dan because he honestly couldn’t remember. It felt like Dan had been there the entire time, especially with the way they got on.

Dan made Phil smile on a daily basis and Rachel more often than not told them to stop being so adorable when Dan visited him in the shop and they forgot the world around them while talking to each other. Some of those times Dan got this specific look in his eyes while gazing at Phil and it made Phil incredibly happy that this dork who loved memes, secretly listened to 1D and cried while watching sad movies liked to spend time with him.

It didn’t even bother Phil that they still hadn’t kissed. He hadn’t tried to since that Saturday night and Dan hadn’t either, but somehow Phil didn’t mind. Sure, he’d thought about kissing Dan from time to time, especially when Dan had been immersed in drawing, biting his lip and burying his hand in his soft hair; he looked absolutely kissable in those moments. But somehow that didn’t even matter that much. Not when he could talk to Dan about everything and nothing deep into the night, Dan bringing up the most existential questions, or when Phil could tell him this new fact he’d learned from watching a documentary and Dan would fix him with this fond look, actually listening to what Phil had to say.

The only thing that irked Phil a tiny bit was the fact that he was yet to be invited to Dan’s place. Of course, he didn’t mind that they spent so much time at his flat but at the same time he’d have liked to see how Dan was living. However, he thought he understood why Dan was uncertain of letting Phil see his place because, looking at his own flat, it did represent his personality quite a bit and there were personal things strewn around everywhere. Phil would like to claim that he knew Dan quite well at this point but the reality was that he only knew the things Dan told him and while that was of course perfectly fine and understandable, he also knew there was more to Dan than he let on, considering his drastic reaction to Phil trying to kiss him.

In the end, he didn’t want to pressure Dan into anything, though, so he didn’t ask to see his place and was happy with inviting Dan to his. Especially if that meant almost cuddling on the couch while watching an anime.

*

_ A few months earlier _

_ The rays of the early morning sun shone through the only partially closed blinds and Dan turned around, irritated that the light had woken him up this early. He pressed his eyes shut again tightly but couldn’t fall asleep despite still feeling tired. He reached for his phone on the bedside table and sighed deeply when he saw what time it was; he’d only been asleep for a handful of hours if even that much. He’d been tossing and turning last night, not being able to go to sleep even though he’d felt absolutely drained. _

_ He’d not been able to sleep properly since that night and all he ever felt was exhaustion, wearing him down to the bone, and dullness that made him experience everything in muted colours and sounds. The sun didn’t feel right on his skin anymore, making him sit in almost darkness the whole day, and food tasted nothing more than stale in his mouth, having lost its rich flavours. _

_ He aimlessly browsed tumblr for a while, not finding joy in anything he saw, and eventually gave up, lying on his back and staring at the white ceiling. That’s what his life felt like. A dull, monotone whiteness. There was nothing exciting anymore, nothing worth living for, nothing that felt even remotely right. _

_ After about an hour of lying there, not doing anything, he heard Louise get up in the next room. He’d been staying with her for a while now, even though he’d assured her that he was able to get his own flat and not pester her anymore. She’d only looked at him with this sad look in her eyes that she always fixed him with when he did anything nowadays and patted him on the back. That had been the end of that. _

_ Dan knew that he should probably get off her back because he made her house feel sad and he made the atmosphere between them miserable, but at the same time he couldn’t actually stand the thought of being lonely, even though he wanted nothing more than be left alone. His feelings were all over the place, really, which was exactly why he remained in bed most of the time. That way he couldn’t pass on his pathetic mood to someone else. _

_ He heard Louise walk through the corridor but instead of her footsteps getting quieter, they actually got louder and Dan immediately realised that she was coming towards the guest bedroom that he’d made his during his stay. _

_ In the next moment Louise pulled open the door, not even trying to be quiet, and strode towards the window, opening the blinds all the way and letting the sun in completely. _

_ “Daniel James Howell,” she said and stood with her hands on her hips. Her blonde hair with its pink tips was curvy, probably still from the day before, and this time she didn’t eye him with that sad look. “You are getting out of bed right this minute. I don’t care if I have to drag you out of it. I’ve allowed you to mope all you wanted but now you’re going stop and you’re going to take back your life.” _

_ Dan just stared at her. He definitely had no intention whatsoever to get out of bed today, except for toilet breaks of course. _

_ “Dan,” Louise said warningly and before Dan could prepare himself, she had his ankles in a tight grip and pulled. _

_ Dan squeaked, trying to grab hold of something but only managed to press his pillow to his chest before he was unceremoniously dumped on the carpet. _

_ “Get up,” she said and this time Dan did, even if he grumbled a lot while doing so. _

_ “That actually hurt, y’know,” he told her, wincing as he straightened his back. _

_ “Good.” She stared at him again but this time she looked determined. Dan was a bit afraid of finding out what she was so determined about. _

_ “You’re going to take a shower because you stink and your hair looks like it could stand up on its own. And then we’re going into town to have breakfast and afterwards you’re going to get a new haircut,” Louise said and turned around to open the wardrobe, pulling out clothes and throwing them at Dan, who had a hard time keeping up with everything that was happening. _

_ “But I like my hair,” he protested, only because he felt like he needed to make some sort of effort in resisting. _

_ “You look like you’ve come straight out of the fourth Harry Potter movie,” Louise replied and pressed a pair of boxer briefs into his hand. “I’m not letting you walk around like that.” _

_ She pushed him out of the room and towards the bathroom but luckily she didn’t actually force Dan into the shower because that would’ve just been embarrassing, even in the current state that he was in.   _

_ After he’d taken off his admittedly slightly smelly t-shirt and training bottoms that he’d never used for any kind of exercise, he turned the water to the hottest setting he could handle and spent ages under the scorching spray. He kind of felt better as he stepped out of the shower and when he wiped free the steamed up mirror, he could see what Louise had meant with that mean Harry Potter reference. He did look a bit like Harry Potter at the Triwizard tournament, minus the glasses and scar. _

_ Half an hour later he emerged from the bathroom, his straightened hair falling into his eyes and his shirt and jeans feeling a bit too baggy on him. He began to see why Louise had basically manhandled him into taking a shower. _

_ Going outside didn’t feel as pleasant as the shower had, though, and he felt uncomfortable sitting in a café surrounded by gossiping parents who’d just dropped off their children at school and were now enjoying their free time. However, that was all worth it when he sat at the hairdresser’s and admired his new haircut. He’d had it shaved at the sides this time and even though he’d been kind of scared that the result would make him look ridiculous, he had to admit that it suited him. And although it was only a stupid haircut, he felt like a completely different person compared to how he’d been that morning. _

_ Maybe he could learn to see colours again and enjoy the vibrancy of music if he tried hard enough. _

*

Phil only saw a hint of brown hair at the periphery of his vision before Rachel was on him, shaking his shoulders and making him dizzy.

“Wha-” he got out before he was released, steadying himself with a hand on the counter behind him.

“I am getting a tattoo!” Rachel all but shouted, drawing the looks of the handful of people who were still sitting in the café to them. Robert, who was at a table collecting a few used mugs, looked over as well but he seemed to have already known those particular news as he didn’t come over.

Rachel was bouncing on the balls of her feet and grinning from ear to ear, looking at him expectantly.

“I,” he started, then reconsidered, “That’s great! What are you getting exactly?”

“The Triforce from Zelda!” she exclaimed, jumping up and down, and this time one of the customers in the café coughed, to passively show their displeasure at the disruption of peace.

“No way!” Phil said excitedly. Rachel and him had talked about the game for hours already, both geeking about it to no end.

“Where are you getting it done?” Phil asked then and, looking back at it, he most definitely hadn’t had enough coffee that day if he was being that slow.

“Really?” Rachel eyed him with a questioning look.

“Is there something I’m not aware of?” he asked, confused as to why Rachel was looking at him like he was insane. She didn’t answer and instead kept staring at him.

At that exact moment his phone vibrated in his pocket, signalling an incoming text, and he realised why she didn’t say anything.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” she just said, rolling her eyes. “I suspect you’ll want to come with me when I get it done?”

“Um,” Phil replied, awkwardly scratching his neck. He had the feeling that everyone in the café was listening in on their conversation. And even though it wasn’t a secret that he liked Dan - they spent most of their time together after all - he didn’t particularly feel that everyone needed to know all the details of his life. “I guess?” he answered.

“Right, I’m sure Dan would be glad to see you,” Rachel said and suggestively waggled her eyebrows. “I’ve got the appointment next week but I’ll remind you again beforehand.”

“Okay.” Phil shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. The shop was too quiet for his taste and he didn’t dare look towards the café to see if everyone was watching them.

“I’m off now, enjoying my free time!” Rachel exclaimed, turning and waving towards Robert, who flipped her off.

Phil couldn’t help but giggle at the shocked face of one of the guests but disguised it as a cough, which didn’t work all too well if the look Rachel fixed him with was anything to go by.

In the end, he did accompany Rachel to her appointment. He’d be lying to himself if he said that he wasn’t endlessly curious to see Dan work. Of course Rachel didn’t need to know that - even if she could probably see right through his excuse of just wanting to support her. It wasn’t like it was entirely made up, though; he knew that even though Rachel acted like she was totally fine and dandy, she was actually quite nervous, and that accompanying her would make her feel less so. If supporting her also included seeing Dan again, then that was just a bonus.

It was raining again when they crossed the short road between the two shops, the weather being as miserable as it had been for the last two days. Phil didn’t mind, though, since that meant he had less work and more time to converse with Dan via text. Not that work would normally stop him from doing that but he did try to come across as professional when he was in his shop and actual people were around.

Despite not being the one getting the tattoo and having been in Dan’s shop plenty of times, Phil felt a bit nervous stepping through the door behind Rachel, who didn’t seem to be doing much better. Dan was nowhere to be seen but considering the curtain to the back room stopped them from throwing a quick glance in there, he guessed that Dan was in the middle of preparing everything.

“Hello!” Rachel called as Phil leant against the counter, trying to calm his nerves. Why was he being so unreasonably jittery?

“I’m back here.” Dan’s voice sounded muffled, like he was somewhere far away.

Rachel looked at him and shrugged before stepping through the curtain. Phil followed her and immediately spotted Dan to his left, where he was laying out several small bottles on a table as well as some other things Phil had no idea were there for.

Dan properly turned around and, upon seeing Phil, smiled in the way that made his eyes crinkle and suddenly Phil realised how much he had missed this man, even though they’d only seen each other the day before.

“Hi,” Phil said and automatically walked towards Dan. He noticed that his hair was slightly curly at the edges.

“Hello Plant-Man,” Dan said and grinned while motioning to Rachel to sit down on the tattoo chair.

“Is that what my name would be if I was a superhero?” Phil asked and grabbed one of the plastic chairs off to the side to sit down close to Rachel.

“It is,” Dan replied cheekily. “You’d be able to shoot liana from your fingers so you could swing from house to house like Tarzan.” He made accompanying hand gestures that suspiciously looked a lot like the ones Spiderman did.

“I don’t think that would do me any good here. The houses are too close for that to work.”

“Ruin the fun, why don’t you,” Dan said but he was smiling despite his words. He sat down on a stool with wheels underneath it so he could move around freely.

“God, you two are sickening,” Rachel suddenly said and startled Phil. He’d kind of forgotten that she was there as well even though he was sat right next to her. Sometimes it was hard focusing on anything else when Dan was in the room.

Dan immediately blushed and Phil could feel his cheeks heat as well. They shared an embarrassed glance but then Rachel started laughing.

“You should see your faces,” she said after she’d finally stopped laughing.

“Oh, stop it!” Phil exclaimed and fixed her with an annoyed glare, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at the same time, ruining the effect. It was an almost daily occurrence that Rachel told him and Dan to stop being so cute - her words, not his - so this was hardly surprising. It embarrassed him nonetheless, especially because he didn’t particularly think that Dan and him were behaving ‘cute’ in any way. They were just enjoying each other’s company.

“If you’re ready, we can start,” Dan said, rolling towards her on the stool. After Rachel had nodded, he began with shaving her wrist and then applying some disinfectant that he removed with a wipe. All the while he kept explaining to her what exactly he was doing in a calm and competent voice and Phil realised that Dan wasn’t doing this for the first time and that he was actually a professional. Of course, he had known that already but the Dan he knew from texting and watching animes into the dead of night was so different to this experienced man, that it shocked him a bit. He was again reminded that he didn’t know Dan completely yet, but the prospect of finding out every layer there was to him excited Phil. He’d never really been that interested in another person and even while he’d loved the people he’d been in a relationship with, there’d never been this kind of mutual understanding that Dan and him had, which resulted in reciprocal curiosity and attraction of each other.

Phil was altogether pulled out of his thoughts when the sound of the tattoo gun echoed throughout the room. It sounded scary, like one of those machines a dentist would use, and Phil wasn’t quite sure he liked how near it was.

Phil saw that Rachel already had the patterns of the tattoo on her wrist and after the colour was successfully inside the tattoo gun, Dan began tracing the lines with it, dabbing away the access colour in between. Rachel looked altogether too calm for what was happening on her wrist while Dan was focusing entirely on the job at hand.

“Does it hurt?” Phil asked as he was looking at Dan, transfixed by the sight of him wearing tight blue gloves and having this look of pure concentration on his face.

“A tiny bit but not as much as I’d expected, to be honest,” Rachel replied.

“Is that normal?” Phil asked. He couldn’t imagine getting a tattoo be anything but unpleasant. The sound and the thought of that tattoo gun literally getting into his skin was terrifying.

“Yeah,” Dan replied, still fixating on the tattoo that was slowly but surely transforming before their eyes. “Most people think it hurts considerably more than it actually does.”

“Of course it also depends on where you get the tattoo as some areas are clearly more sensitive than others but even then it’s still bearable,” he added after a short pause.

Phil nodded even though neither of them were even looking at him.

“You also get used to it after you’ve had a few tattoos done,” Dan then said and grinned at him. He’d completed the outline of the tattoo and was now beginning to fill it in.

“You should get one, Phil,” Rachel said and bit her lip in sudden pain. Apparently it was more painless than she’d claimed.

Phil just scoffed at that and didn’t bother replying. They’d only talked about tattoos the day before and Phil had told her that he didn’t think he could ever get one, considering the pain and the everlastingness of tattoos. The permanence of it scared him.

“You’d look good with a tattoo,” Dan suddenly said and Phil could feel his cheeks heat up at the quick glance Dan threw at him.

That particular thread of conversation was dropped as Phil didn’t respond and the rest of the session was filled with small talk between Rachel and Dan. And all the while Phil couldn’t stop thinking about what Dan had said. Would he look good with a tattoo? Would he like himself with a tattoo?

Phil wasn’t quite sure what to make about the thoughts buzzing through his mind, considering how he’d been totally against the idea of tattoos on his body only a few moments before. The thing was, though, that he couldn’t unthink what Rachel and Dan had said and he did have to admit that the tattoos on Dan’s arms suited him very well.

He wasn’t sure, however, if something like that would suit him as well. He’d never thought about getting a tattoo but even if he’d had, he’d have thought that he looked to innocent for it. He couldn’t look badass even if he wanted to, in total contrast to Dan who looked tough with his black clothes, tattoos and accompanying leather jacket.

It only took a little bit over half an hour until Rachel’s tattoo was finished and Dan put some sort of ointment on it before wrapping foil around her wrist. He told her how to take care of the new tattoo and gave her a tub with some sort of salve to put on the tattoo.

Phil wasn’t really listening to any of what Dan was saying to Rachel, instead lost in thought, as he was looking outside the window at the still miserable weather. There was quite a bit of wind now as well, steering the rain against the glass.

“Are we still on for tomorrow?” Dan suddenly asked and Phil turned towards him.

“Oh yeah, definitely,” Phil replied, grinning. “Wouldn’t want to miss beating you at Mario Kart.”

“You beating me?” Dan laughed. “Only in your dreams. I’m the Mario Kart champion.”

“Pff.” Phil knew full well that Dan was undeniably better at the game than him but he’d never been one to give up without trying. Even though he’d almost always lost to Dan the last times they’d played. “I’ve secretly trained for hours. I’m ready to take you on.”

He heard Rachel sigh behind him. “Will you please make out already?”

Dan actually choked on his response to Phil, getting red in the face, and Phil wasn’t doing any better.

While he considered Rachel to be a good friend, he hadn’t told her about what had happened on their second date, purely because he didn’t know the reason for Dan’s behaviour and he didn’t feel comfortable with sharing something this personal. He was a very private person anyway, not liking when everyone around him knew his secrets - not that he had many of those, but still - and he doubted very much that Dan was much different in that regard. Not to mention that Dan surely wouldn’t be ecstatic if Phil told everyone about his issues, even if Rachel wasn’t everyone. If Rachel had known, however, she probably wouldn’t have made such a comment.

As it was, she just raised an eyebrow and strutted out of the shop, leaving Phil alone with Dan. Not quite knowing how else to avoid this uncomfortable situation, Phil basically shouted a quick goodbye and ran after Rachel. In his hurry he forgot to pull his hood up and got absolutely soaked on the way over to his shop where Rachel was already waiting for him. She just laughed at him and affectionately ruffled his wet hair that felt entirely too sticky to be comfortable.

He knew he should probably have a chat with her about what had just happened, but for the rest of the afternoon he couldn’t stop sneaking glances at her tattoo and wondering about how it would feel if he got one.

*

Phil was confused, to say the least.

Since he’d accompanied Rachel to her tattoo session he hadn’t been able to get the thought of getting a tattoo himself out his mind. The thing was, that he wasn’t quite sure if he actually wanted one or if it was one of those moods he sometimes got in where he saw something that he felt he absolutely  _ needed  _ to have. Most of the time those situations involved plants, which he then felt guilty about as he didn’t exactly have enough space anymore in his flat.

However, a tattoo was infinitely more permanent than a plant and he couldn’t exactly get rid off it if he grew tired of it after a week or so - not that he’d ever given away any of his plants before, but still, there was a high probability he’d regret his choice afterwards.

And yet the thought just wouldn’t go away and kept getting more persistent instead, so Phil did the only thing he could think of; he went and talked to Dan. Surely Dan would know better how to sort out the mess of feelings and opinions Phil had of the matter since he’d probably had one or two customers who’d been in the same position as him.

Dan was currently sitting at a table next to the giant window and was drawing in one of his sketchbooks, an only lukewarm coffee next him. He was so immersed in his work that he didn’t notice Phil sitting down in the opposite chair.

“That’s really pretty,” Phil said, studying the drawing of the cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland that Dan was working on, and startled Dan in the process, who let his pencil drop as if burned.

“Jesus Christ, Phil,” Dan said and breathed out heavily through his nose. “Give a guy a warning.”

“Consider yourself warned,” Phil replied and grinned at Dan when he furrowed his eyebrows.

“You do know that scaring your customers like this won’t make them come back?” Dan fiddled with his hair and unnecessarily tried to get his already straight fringe to lay perfectly.

“As if you would go to another café,” Phil said and Dan huffed in response. “You’re too lazy to get off your bum for the remote. You made me get up last time.”

“We were at  _ your _ place! Have you never heard of hospitality?” Dan exclaimed indignantly.

“Considering you dropped pizza on my couch the minute before that, you were quite testing my hospitality.”

At least Dan had the mind to look guilty at that. Phil hadn’t been able to get the stain out and they’d eventually just flipped the cushion around despite Dan insisting he could pay for it to be dry cleaned.

“Anyway, I didn’t come here to reminisce about my sofa, as much as I like to sit on it.”

“I’m surprised,” Dan replied, lifting an eyebrow.

“I actually… wanted to ask you something,” Phil said, not quite looking at Dan. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous all of a sudden.

“Okay,” Dan said hesitantly. He looked a bit confused as to why Phil’s behaviour had changed so suddenly from exchanging easy banter to being hesitant.

“I’ve been thinking about what Rachel said,” Phil started and risked a quick glance towards Dan, who wasn’t really looking at him either. His fingers were tapping a fast rhythm on the wooden table and his whole body was shaking with the way he was bouncing his knee up and down.

“Y’know, about the tattoo,” Phil said and could feel his cheeks heat when he saw how quickly Dan looked at him, his eyes widening. “I mean, I know I’ve said I don’t want one but then I was thinking that they actually look quite nice on you and maybe I wouldn’t look too bad with one? Obviously, I don’t care what other people think about it but I’m not sure if I myself would like it and it’s so  _ permanent  _ and once you’ve got it it’s rather difficult for it to be removed again and-”

“Phil.” Dan chuckled as he grabbed hold of Phil’s arm to interrupt his ramble. “You don’t have to be so nervous about it.” He smiled fondly at Phil and Phil instantly relaxed.

“Sorry,” he replied and smiled sheepishly. “You obviously know a lot more about tattoos than me so I was wondering if you could give me any advice?”

“Of course,” Dan said, still smiling and holding onto Phil’s arm, probably not realising he was doing so. Phil tried not to move so as not to draw attention to it. He enjoyed feeling Dan’s hand on his arm and it made his stomach flutter pleasantly. A moment later, however, Dan let go off him as he closed his sketchbook and rested his arms on top of it.

“First of all, if you’re this nervous about the idea of a tattoo, then you’re probably not ready to get one,” Dan said honestly, “however, it is normal to have doubts and as long as the desire to get a tattoo isn’t overshadowed by those doubts, then everything’s fine.”

“Have you thought about what kind of tattoo you’d want to get?” he added.

Phil shook his head. He’d seen a few things in Dan’s sketchbook that had fascinated him but at that point he hadn’t considered them as possible tattoo ideas for himself; and with all those doubts about getting a tattoo in the first place, he hadn’t put one thought into the actual implementation of it.

“What I would do is think about what kind of tattoo you’d want and maybe that’ll erase the doubts and you’ll know if you actually want it or not. And if not, then let it sink in for a bit and come back to it at some point. There’s nothing worse than rushing a tattoo, especially if you’re not sure about it.”

“Okay,” Phil said and nodded. Dan’s words hadn’t quite gotten rid of the mess of thoughts buzzing around his head but at least he’d be able to bring them into some kind of order now.

“Did that help?” Dan asked doubtfully, grimacing a bit and moving around his snake bite with his teeth.

“Yes, thank you,” Phil replied but Dan still looked dubious, like he wasn’t quite sure Phil was saying the truth.

“You can always come to me and ask if you have any more questions.”

“I will most definitely do that,” Phil said and smiled fondly at Dan. The sun that was falling through the big window gave his hair a golden sheen and made him appear soft and warm and Phil wanted nothing more than to lean over the table and hug him. This was one of those times he wished that him and Dan were more as he craved to feel his smooth skin under his fingertips and be able to get close enough to smell Dan’s hair.

Gosh, he was being creepy again.

Phil awkwardly cleared his throat and pointedly shifted his gaze outside, seeing an elderly man with a dog walk towards the door.

“I should get back to work,” Phil said, glad for the distraction and got up. For a moment Dan looked disappointed but then he grinned.

“Actually, I think I could use a coffee top up,” he said, one corner of his mouth raised in a smirk.

Phil raised an eyebrow and then shook his head. “I knew you only used me for the coffee.”

“Oh no, you’ve seen right through my plan,” Dan joked, feigning dismay.

“I’ll be keeping an eye on you,” Phil said while he walked backwards towards the counter, almost bumping into the man with the dog.

Dan chuckled at Phil profusely apologising to the man and growing red in the face. “You better,” Dan then replied and winked at him, causing Phil’s cheeks to feel even warmer. He opened his mouth to reply but then closed it again when he couldn’t think of anything to say, and instead stumbled his way back behind the counter. The customer cast him a strange look that he didn’t care to decipher and while preparing the man’s coffee his gaze kept straying towards Dan, who’d gone back to drawing, his hand buried in his hair and his bottom lip between his teeth.

Phil was surprised he managed to prepare the coffee at all and not spill it all over himself in the process.

*

Phil still couldn’t stop thinking about the tattoo. He’d sat down and actively tried to come up with an actual idea for the tattoo but every time his thoughts so much as drifted in that direction, his mind came up with so many different options that he felt dizzy. He would’ve loved to talk to someone about it but he didn’t want to be influenced in any way, so apart from Dan he didn’t tell anyone about all of this, not even Rachel.

There were so many things that he liked, TV shows, movies, video games, food, space, books, scented candles, plants, colourful t-shirts… the list went on and on. He didn’t understand how anyone was able to pick out one particular thing they liked for a tattoo when Phil couldn’t even narrow it down to ten. So he decided to do the thing that always helped him organise: make a list. Granted, it was going to be a very long list but if he could get everything out of his head onto a piece of paper and then go through everything individually, he might be able to reduce the list to a few things.

He sat on a chair behind the counter, writing his list, when he realised two things. Firstly, if the frantic need to find an idea for a tattoo was anything to go by, he might actually indeed want one, and secondly, Dan inspired him to get out of his comfort zone. He was ninetynine percent sure he wasn’t doing all of this only to impress Dan, but Phil had lived all of his life in the same way, in the same town, around the same people. Sure, he sometimes did things that others considered weird but in the end they were never anything  _ new _ . The only time he’d really went out on a limb and decided to try something that scared him was when he’d opened his shop. And while that in itself was an amazing feat that Phil felt incredibly proud of, the reality was that that had been the extent of excitement in his life.

Sure, he started watching new genres of TV shows or movies and he liked learning new cooking recipes but he’d only been on holiday outside of the country once and that had been in Ireland. While he considered Ireland to be a beautiful country with kind and considerate people, he itched to see more of the world, especially after Dan had told him about his trip to Italy, even if it hadn’t been too detailed. He wanted to go see the flora of Italy and Spain and Portugal, explore Japan in all of its foreignness, be able to see all the stunning places in New Zealand where Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit had been filmed and go on a road trip through North America - although that one was probably not such a good idea since he was a terrible driver.

Most of all, he just wanted to be able to do all of that with Dan. He could picture the two of them in a plane or car that was too small for their long limbs so well. He didn’t even need for their relationship to be anything other than platonic as long as he could spend time with Dan and enjoy his company. Sure, he’d love to be in a romantic and sexual relationship with Dan but only if that was what Dan wanted as well. And if not, then Phil was equally as happy with what he could get.

As those thoughts raced through his mind, Phil’s gaze landed on the photograph of the chequered lily that hung in the café and he instantly knew what his tattoo would be. He didn’t need to write his list anymore.

That afternoon Phil went over to Dan’s shop during his break and told him about his idea. Dan nodded all the while and seemed to be already thinking about the realisation of Phil’s idea. He asked Phil a few questions - should it be in colour or black and white? How big should it be? Did he have anything in mind that Dan absolutely needed to include? - and Phil felt excitement bubbling up inside him at this new, exhilarating thing in his life.

It was two days later that he got a text from Dan, saying that he’d finished the first draft of Phil’s idea and that he could come over to have a look at it anytime. Phil, who was absolutely ecstatic, had wanted to run over to Dan straight away but forced himself to wait until break time at least. He had time, he really didn’t need to rush this. Nevertheless, when Rachel came back from her break - she’d read a book in the staff room - Phil practically sprinted over the short street that separated the two shops from each other.

Dan was sitting behind the counter, munching on a sandwich, as Phil walked through the door and the moment that Dan spotted him was also the point that the mayo apparently wanted to escape the sandwich, dribbling onto Dan’s chin. Dan’s cheeks immediately went red and he frantically looked around for a tissue while trying not get anymore mayo on himself.

Phil couldn’t help but chuckle, although he did feel a bit bad about it. He grabbed a tissue from the box between the two chairs opposite the door and handed it to Dan, who smiled at him awkwardly and crammed the rest of the sandwich into his mouth after he’d wiped the mayo off. Phil repressed a laugh at the way Dan tried to chew very fast and pretended that there was something far more interesting outside so that Dan wouldn’t feel any more awkward than he already did.

“Um,” Dan said and coughed. “What can I do for you?”

Phil looked back at him and his gaze was immediately drawn to the red spot on the left side of his jaw. He couldn’t help but think it endearing.

“You texted me about the tattoo template,” Phil replied. He was itching to see what Dan had come up with.

“Oh,” Dan said, “yeah.” He turned around and pulled a simple black binder out of the shelf behind the counter. He opened it up and pulled a drawing out of the first sheet protector, turning it around and laying it down in front of Phil.

As soon as Phil caught a first look of it, his mouth involuntarily dropped open. He couldn’t believe that what he was looking at had actually been drawn by Dan. Of course he knew how talented Dan was; he’d seen enough of his sketches and drawings to realise that. But what he’d drawn for Phil looked like it belonged in an art gallery and not merely on Phil’s body.

Phil had decided on the chequered lily for his tattoo and Dan had done the flower more than justice. The drawing showed two flowers next to each other, one slightly smaller than the other, but what made it so remarkably magnificent were the colours. The shades of green, pink and brown looked extremely realistic and if it hadn’t been for the watercolour style that Dan had chosen, Phil would’ve believed the drawing to be a photograph. The colours looked soft, slightly overlapping here and there, as if they’d actually been drawn with watery paint, overspilling their confinements that Dan had chosen not to draw in a harsh black but rather a lighter shade to the one in the middle. In fact, there was no black to be found in the drawing at all, something that Phil found he quite liked.

“I… wow,” Phil said, the words coming out as a whisper. “This is… the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He couldn’t avert his eyes away from the drawing and he felt an itch in his fingers to retrace the delicate lines with them.

“You like it?” He heard Dan ask and there was so much bewilderment in his voice that Phil had to tear his gaze away and look at him.

“I love it,” Phil simply replied, looking straight at Dan, and he could see the exact moment the words sunk in because Dan blushed furiously and lowered his gaze.

“Honestly,” Phil said and smiled at Dan, despite him still looking at the folder in front of him. “I didn’t really know what I wanted when I told you about my idea but now that I’m seeing this, I know that it’s exactly what I wanted and more.”

Dan looked up at that, smiling back at Phil, and his dimple showed, causing Phil’s stomach to flutter.

“I’m glad you like it,” Dan replied, self-consciously fixing his fringe. Phil had noticed that he did that a lot so he smiled warmly at Dan, wanting to convey in it how much he loved what Dan had created for him.

“Can I, um, can I ask you something?” Dan asked suddenly, his eyes flitting around the room, never really looking at Phil entirely.

“Of course.”

“This might sound weird but…, you’re not only getting the tattoo because of me, are you?” he then asked, his gaze now firmly fixed on the folder again.

Phil furrowed his eyebrows. “No, I… what?”

“Not that I’m saying you want to impress me or anything, because why would you, you don’t need to, but you said you liked my tattoos and obviously  _ I _ like them otherwise I wouldn’t have them but you don’t have any and maybe you think I’d like you more with a tattoo? I don’t know, I’m sorry,” Dan babbled.

“Dan,” Phil said and waited until Dan looked at him again, albeit it being slightly hesitant. “Trust me, I’m not getting a tattoo to impress you.”

Dan visibly relaxed at that, looking relieved.

“I probably wouldn’t have gotten the idea without you but it’s my body and I have to live with this my entire life, probably, so No,” he added.

“Okay, good.”  

“Besides, if I wanted to impress you, I’d probably go about it in a different way,” Phil said and couldn’t help but wink even though he knew that he looked incredibly stupid whenever he tried to wink.

Dan started laughing. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know,” Phil laughed, “but it sounded like the right thing to say.”

Dan laughed even more at that and Phil felt proud at having made him laugh.

“Do you want the tattoo then or do you want to wait a bit longer before you decide?” Dan asked eventually after he’d stopped laughing. There was still a smile on his face, though.

“I want it,” Phil said, with more confidence than he actually felt. He knew he wanted it but he still felt anxious that he’d regret all of this eventually.

“Good,” Dan replied, sliding the drawing back into the sheet protector and getting out a calendar from underneath the black folder. “Sometime next week?” he asked and Phil nodded. “How about Wednesday?”

“Yeah, that’d be fine.” All of a sudden Phil felt really excited. He was pretty sure that it wasn’t all excitement though; he was still nervous as well, but the prospect of a tattoo didn’t feel as scary anymore as it had a few days ago.

“Right, 5 o’clock then, after work?”

Phil nodded, unable to keep his hands still at his side. Maybe he was more nervous than he admitted to himself.

Dan hummed, presumably jotting down Phil’s name in the right slot, and shut the calendar. He ripped of a sheet of a post-it note cube, wrote down the date and time and handed it to Phil, who happily noticed that it had a faded picture of the characters from Sword Art Online on it.

“Thanks,” he said, glad that Dan had told him the day and time already since his handwriting was pretty much indecipherable.

“Y’know,” Dan started, “if, for whatever reason, you decide not to get the tattoo anymore before Wednesday, let me know. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you change your mind.”

“Okay,” Phil replied, glad that Dan was specifically telling him this to soothe his nerves.

Just as he wanted to say goodbye and leave, Dan added, “There’s one thing, though, that I forgot to say the other day.”

“You’ve probably thought a lot about what happens if you don’t like the tattoo anymore in a few years or if you’ve lost belief in what your tattoo represents. The thing is, even if you don’t feel like you did at the point you got the tattoo, it’ll remind you of those times. I always think of tattoos as a way to tell someone’s story. I’ve certainly fallen out of love with one or two of my tattoos but I’m still glad I got them because they remind me of who I used to be and show me that I’m not that person anymore,” Dan said. There was honesty in his gaze as well as a lot of raw emotion that Phil hadn’t seen before. He felt the sudden need to wrap Dan in a big hug and comfort him because the tattoos he was talking about obviously reminded him of a not so great past time.

“Thank you,” Phil replied, being incredibly grateful for Dan’s honesty and that he was sharing something with Phil that was obviously very close to his heart and not easy to disclose.

Dan simply smiled at him, tapping his fingers on the folder in front of him.

After a short goodbye and a promise of them seeing each other the next day, Phil stepped out into the cold air, the wind ruffling his hair, and he couldn’t help but think that he’d never be able to regret this tattoo because it would always remind him of Dan.

*

Phil didn’t think he’d ever been more nervous than at this moment. He was standing next to the tattoo chair in Dan’s shop while Dan calmly motioned for him to sit down. Phil sat down on the chair sideways, just as Dan rolled towards him on the stool. It actually looked kind of funny with the way he was grinning but the whole situation felt entirely too much like a doctor’s visit and Phil didn’t like it one bit.

“Are you still sure about where you want the tattoo?” Dan asked as he stretched out his long legs in front of him while rolling back and forth a bit.

“Yes,” Phil said, hoping that Dan couldn’t hear his voice waver.

“Alright!” Dan grinned at him. “Off with the shirt then.”

Phil gulped. He’d thought long and hard about where exactly he wanted the tattoo to go but only this morning he’d realised that his choice meant he’d actually have to get half naked in front of Dan. He wasn’t self-conscious per se when it came to his body but now he became acutely aware of the fact that he never worked out and might be a little bit bigger around his middle due to his fondness of chocolate. Rationally, he knew that Dan probably wouldn’t mind; firstly because he was a professional, who didn’t care about things like that while doing his job, and secondly because he actually liked Phil and wouldn’t care if he weighed one or two kilos more or less. Knowing this, however, didn’t actually make Phil feel any less self-conscious about his body. Tensely, he grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head, messing up his hair in the process. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and tried to sit up a bit straighter so as not to pronounce his not even close to flat stomach.

Dan didn’t even look at his chest, or stomach, and Phil was very glad when he just told him to lie down on the chair. Dan rolled to the table at the side and grabbed a razor after he’d put on a pair of gloves.

“I’m going to shave the part first,” Dan said and then he was back at Phil’s side, smiling at him, and Phil felt himself relax, even if only a tiny bit. “This is where you want it, yeah?” Dan asked, gesturing to the area beneath Phil’s left collarbone.

“Yeah.”

“Oki doke.” Dan shaved off the tiny amount of hairs in that area, then he leant back towards the table and grabbed a spray bottle and a wipe to remove the hairs.

“I’m going to apply the template now and then you can decide whether you like it the way it is or if you want it positioned differently,” Dan said and sprayed something else on Phil’s skin before telling him to relax and pressing down the tattoo transfer firmly. After Dan had removed the foil, Phil could already see the template from the corner of his eyes.

“You can go and have a look at it,” Dan said and motioned towards the mirror in the corner of the room.

Phil swung his legs over the chair onto the ground and walked towards the mirror, catching a first look at what his tattoo would look like once it was done. He had to admit that Dan really had an eye for tattoos because he couldn’t have positioned it more perfectly. Phil was still nervous but as he stared at the template he felt more certain about this than he had before.

“It’s perfect,” he said while turning around towards Dan, who was already looking at him.

“Okay,” Dan replied and smiled at Phil with that fond look in his eyes he sometimes got when Phil had done something particularly Phil-like. It made Phil’s stomach do a somersault.

“We can start if you’re ready.”

Phil nodded and walked back to the chair, laying down on it again. He laid his hands on stomach, linking them, but then put them down at his sides, fidgeting with the seams of his jeans.

“I’m going to show you first how it’ll feel before putting the colour in,” Dan said and pressed down his foot on the pedal, causing the tattoo gun to spring to life. “Don’t worry, it really doesn’t hurt all that much,” he said calmly when Phil immediately tensed up at the whirring sound.

Phil nodded stiffly. Dan smiled at him again as he brought the tattoo gun closer to Phil’s chest. As soon as it touched his skin, he held his breath but released it seconds later when he noticed that it really didn’t hurt as much as he’d imagined. It wasn’t overly pleasant but it was bearable and as soon as Dan had lifted the gun away, the pain was gone.

“Okay?” Dan asked, concern obvious in his voice, and Phil realised he’d been staring at a point behind him. He quickly looked at Dan.

“Yeah,” he replied and smiled. “It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Good.” Dan looked relieved. “I’ll start with the colour then.”

Phil nodded and Dan started the tattoo gun again after he’d dipped it into the green pot, pulling the colour into it.

“I’m going to do the contour first,” he said while rubbing some kind of cream onto the template. “Just so you know, I’ll probably have to go over every line at least twice or even three times. Colours usually don’t remain in the skin as well as black.”

“What’s that?” Phil asked, pointing at the tub of cream Dan had just put back on the table.

“Oh, that’s just vaseline so I can wipe off the excess colour easier,” Dan explained. “I’m going to start now. Any last words?” With the tattoo gun in his left hand and a smirk on his lips he looked like some kind of mad scientist.

“I hope I won’t sneeze,” Phil said.

Dan snorted and shook his head as he tried not to laugh. “Don’t make me laugh and mutilate your body.”

“I’ll try,” Phil replied and couldn’t help but grin. He’d forgotten how at ease Dan could make him feel.

“Right,” Dan said and pointed at Phil to make him stop. “I’m starting now.” With those words he turned on the tattoo gun with his foot again and laid his right hand on Phil’s chest, pulling the skin taut before he lowered the gun and the colour was pumped into Phil’s skin.

They kept up the small talk while Dan tattooed him and it quickly became somewhat normal and not nerve-wracking anymore that he was lying there. That was until Dan started to go over the lines he’d already done once more. It hurt, Phil wasn’t going to lie, especially when Dan brought out the white colour, but Dan was leaning on him a bit and the parts where their skin was touching somewhat distracted Phil and calmed him down a bit.

He’d never thought that the first time he was touching Dan would be like this, but he wasn’t complaining - apart from the pain - especially when Dan bent down even further and Phil could feel his breath on his skin, causing goosebumps to erupt. Luckily for him, Dan didn’t acknowledge it, too immersed in his work.

Phil realised with a pang that this must happen to Dan every now and then and he couldn’t blame the people who were attracted to Dan, that’d be hypocritical after all, but the only reason he didn’t feel jealous was that Dan seemed to be too professional to ever respond to anything like that. He couldn’t believe he was even thinking about this when Dan had made it all too clear that he liked Phil even though he wasn’t ready for more yet.

The whole tattooing process took over an hour and by then Phil’s skin felt incredibly sore. Dan gently spread some sort of tattoo cream on his artwork, making Phil wince slightly even though Dan hadn’t even applied that much pressure. The skin around the tattoo was red and swollen, which didn’t really surprise Phil all that much, considering how often Dan had had to go over the lines again.

Dan covered his tattoo with foil, securing the edges with tape. “Leave this on for a day and after you’ve removed it, rinse it carefully with warm water. Don’t rub it or anything. You’ll need to apply this cream three times a day,” he pressed a medium sized pot into Phil’s hand, “and other than that the tattoo shouldn’t come into contact with water for three days and only go near it with soap after it’s healed properly.”

Phil nodded, turning the pot in his hands. “What’s this?”

Dan turned around from where he was already storing away some of the equipment. “Oh, that’s tattoo cream. It’s mostly vaseline and some herbs, I think.”

“Oh,” Phil said happily, trying to read the tiny label to find out what kind of herbs were in it. He was so engrossed in deciphering the small font that he only noticed the sudden silence when the leather seat of Dan’s stool creaked. Phil looked up to see Dan staring at him. There was something in his brown eyes that Phil couldn’t name but it made him feel very much in the spotlight.

“What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious about still being topless.

Dan stood up abruptly and walked towards him, sitting down on the small unoccupied space of the chair next to Phil. He looked like he was searching for a sign, intensely studying Phil’s face. Phil could only stare back, not at all clear about what was happening, and he could see a red spot forming on the left side of Dan’s jaw.

Dan leant forward, his leg coming up to rest slightly on the chair while he put his hand down next to Phil to not accidentally lose his balance and fall forwards onto him. Dan kept getting closer and Phil could’ve counted the freckles on his face if he hadn’t been completely captured by Dan’s eyes. He could feel the warmth Dan’s body radiated and his breath on his face, going faster than normal, and Phil unconsciously licked his lips.

“Is this okay?” Dan asked in a low voice, his vocal chords betraying how nervous he was.

“Yes,” Phil whispered, not daring to speak any louder lest he destroy this fragile atmosphere between them.

Dan closed the remaining space between them, pressing his lips to Phil’s lightly, like he was afraid Phil would run away if he gave more of himself. Phil wanted to touch him, to reassure him that it was okay, that he wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon, if ever, but he wasn’t sure if his touch was welcome.

He opened his eyes to smile at Dan, who looked ready to bolt any second Phil would show any kind of denial, and tried to convey in his look that this was okay and that he’d liked to be kissed by Dan. Miraculously, he seemed to be somewhat successful because Dan leant back in and kissed him again, this time surer of himself.

Phil’s heart felt like it was close to escaping his chest as Dan smiled at him, his eyes lighting up and his dimple showing.

“Would you…” Dan started, looking very uncertain again. “Would you like to come over to my place on Saturday?” he then asked, the words rushing out of his mouth.

Phil couldn’t help but break out in an even bigger smile. “I’d love to,” he said without hesitation.

Dan’s answering smile and him ducking his head was possibly the cutest thing Phil had ever seen anyone do. His heart hurt with how happy he was to have this soft, dorky giant in his life and as Dan pressed another quick but heartfelt kiss to his lips, he felt like he was floating.

*

Dan was beyond nervous. He was past the vomiting stage and had descended right into the I’m-going-to-faint-if-anything-unanticipated-happens stage. He regretted his decision of cooking dinner himself instead of just ordering in. He wasn’t a particularly bad cook, he was still alive after all, but when he was nervous he tended to forget the most simple things, like turning on the cooker and then wondering why the hell the water just wouldn’t boil, or cooking a sauce and accidentally putting it on a too high setting so that the sauce would burn, making most of it stick to the bottom of the pot. 

Safe to say, Dan wasn’t thrilled at his own idea anymore, even though he’d only chosen spaghetti bolognese as dinner. He’d wanted to impress Phil, though, and eating spaghetti on his sofa while watching an anime had probably sounded more romantic in his head than it actually was, but he knew that Phil would like it.

The only problem was Dan’s inability to ever be on time. He obviously didn’t do it deliberately, he just got caught up in things and before he realised it, it was already way too late. The same thing happened right before Phil was supposed to show up. Dan had been on tumblr, scrolling down his dashboard and reblogging some aesthetically pleasing posts, and suddenly it had been twenty to seven and he was still in tracking suit bottoms and his t-shirt from the day before. He’d rushed into the shower, spent too many minutes choosing an outfit and straightening his hair. That left him with ten minutes until Phil would arrive and unlike him, Dan was pretty sure that Phil would be on time. 

Dan almost managed to set his kitchen under water by letting the pot slip out of his grasp but caught it at the last second, nearly giving himself a heart attack. While he waited for the water to boil, he prepared the sauce, plopping the meat into a pan and adding the tomato sauce when it looked to be properly cooked. He’d let the spaghetti fall into the boiling water when the bell rang, signalling Phil’s arrival. Dan hurried out of the kitchen to the door, trying to calm down a bit after buzzing Phil in. 

He took a few deep breaths and finally opened the door, casually leaning against the door frame as Phil walked up the stairs. Dan felt something tug in his chest when he saw that Phil was carrying an orchid in his arms and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the same time because,  _ of course _ , Phil would assume that Dan didn’t have any plants in his flat and decide to change that. 

Phil looked up then and smiled at Dan brightly and Dan wanted to kiss him more than anything as Phil stopped in front of him, but he felt uncertain and he didn’t want to start this evening by ruining it with making a fool out of himself. So instead, he just smiled back at Phil, almost whispering a ‘hello’ at Phil’s cheerful greeting.

“I’ve brought you this,” Phil said and handed Dan the flower. It was a yellow one and it was so  _ Phil  _ that Dan knew he needed to find a really good spot for it where he would see it all the time. Which would then contribute to it not dying. Hopefully.

“Thanks,” Dan replied, taking the orchid off of Phil and their hands touched, making Dan feel all fuzzy and warm inside. They stared at each other for a few seconds until Dan realised that he should probably ask Phil inside.

“Come in.” 

Phil smiled at him and stepped inside, taking off his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack. He opened his mouth to say something but then his facial expression changed into a confused one.

“Dan?” 

“Yeah?” Dan asked carefully. Had he done something wrong?

“Are you cooking something?” Phil asked and Dan broke into a smile before he realised why Phil was asking. The smell of burnt food hit his senses and he facepalmed so fast he almost hit himself in the face. 

“Wait here,” he told Phil but was blatantly ignored when Phil followed him into the kitchen that looked a bit like a bomb had exploded in there.

The water was boiling over and Dan had accidentally left the sauce on a high setting, causing it to splatter everywhere. 

“Shit.”

Phil startled him by starting to laugh. Dan turned to look at him, feigning irritation, but couldn’t help but smile lightly when he saw that Phil’s tongue was poking out of his mouth at the side. 

“You tried to cook for me?” Phil asked between giggles and he looked happy, even though Dan had horrendously ruined the meal.

“Yeah,” Dan said and awkwardly rubbed his neck. 

The sauce was still splattering its contents all over the kitchen counter and after Phil had shot him a smile, he turned the stove off, shoving the pan and pot onto the free plates. He was still breaking into laughter every few seconds and Dan shoved his shoulder.

“Stop,” he said. “I  _ tried _ , okay?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil said but contrary to his words he was still giggling and Dan only rolled his eyes. He supposed that he deserved that.

The burnt smell permeated the air and Dan grimaced. This wasn’t how he had envisioned this evening to go. They were supposed to sit on the sofa, eating spaghetti and laugh about the other getting sauce all over them. Okay, maybe it was good that Dan had let the food burn.

“Do you want to order in instead or are you brave enough to try attempt two?” 

“I think it’d be better for everyone involved if we just ordered in,” Dan said. “We can try the cooking another time.”

“Okay, the usual?”

“Yeah. I’ll get rid of  _ that  _ in the meantime,” Dan said and gestured towards the mess he’d created. He was still holding the Orchid and as if Phil had read his mind, he took took the plant off him again and walked out of the kitchen with it. 

Dan sighed as he looked at the kitchen counter. The sauce had even managed to get up to the cabinets hanging above the counter. Maybe he should stop cooking altogether if it resulted in such disasters. He started cleaning up, hearing Phil talk on the phone in his living room, his low voice a pleasant background noise. He didn’t come back straight away, which made Dan a tad bit nervous, but he focused on getting everything cleaned so it would look presentable at least. Just as he had plonked the pot into the dishwasher, Phil reentered the kitchen. 

“It’s only gonna take a few minutes,” he said as he leant against the now clean counter.

“Really?” Dan asked surprised. Normally the restaurant had so many orders that it took at least a half hour before someone would arrive with their food. 

“Yeah.” Phil shrugged. “Actually, the guy on the phone was a bit confused when I told him they shouldn’t deliver to my flat.”

“We order from them way too often,” Dan laughed while he put the pan into the sink, letting water pour over it. 

“I’m glad we do.”

Dan turned his head to look at Phil, who was staring at the wall opposite him. 

“Me, too,” Dan murmured. He dried his hands off on a towel and stepped in front of Phil, who immediately lifted his gaze to look at him. They stared at each other for a few seconds until Dan plucked up the courage and laid his hands on Phil’s hip. Phil leaned into the touch and Dan could feel the warmth his body radiated.

He still didn’t know if this wasn’t going too fast but at the moment he couldn’t care less. He liked Phil, with all of his quirks and weird mannerisms and the way he cared for his plants as if they were his friends. He was the most gentle soul Dan had ever encountered and he knew that if he let Phil go, he’d regret it his entire life. 

Dan leant forwards, stepping in between Phil’s legs, and suddenly he could feel Phil’s hesitant touch at his waist. Dan smiled encouraging at him, to show him that it was okay, and then their noses bumped into each other and Dan closed his eyes.

The sudden ringing of the bell made Dan jump backwards. He could feel heat crawl up his neck and coughed to hide his embarrassment. 

“I’m just going to…,” he trailed off, gesturing towards the entrance, and then nodded to himself and walked out of the kitchen.

“That was fast,” he murmured to himself as he pressed the buzzer to let the pizza delivery guy in. He opened the front door and after a few seconds the teenager, who delivered their food most of the time, came running up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. Dan really hoped the pizza had survived that.

“There you go!” the guy exclaimed in a suspiciously cheery voice and Dan eyed him warily as he handed him the money. 

The delivery guy looked past Dan, probably at Phil, Dan guessed, and then fixed his gaze on Dan again. “I hope you have a very good evening,” he said suggestively and then had the audacity to wink at Dan.

Dan gaped and was left to stare at the teenager when he bounced down the stairs again.

He slowly turned around and closed the door behind him. As predicted, Phil leant on the doorframe leading into the living room and grinned at him. He had apparently seen the delivery guy wink at him.

“Don’t,” Dan warned him and Phil pressed his hand onto his mouth to stop himself from laughing. 

Grumbling, Dan walked past Phil into the living room and let himself fall down on the couch. Phil followed suit, pressing his thigh to Dan’s in the process. Since their kiss in Dan’s studio, personal space had become something that didn’t exist between them. They just naturally gravitated towards each other and whenever Phil had come close and his arm had pressed against Dan’s, Dan hadn’t moved away. It was as if a barrier had been broken between them and Dan couldn’t lie and say he didn’t like it, because more often than not he caught himself stepping closer to Phil than was normally necessary.

He was glad that he’d kissed Phil. Even though he had been freakishly scared, it had felt  _ right _ . It was probably unprofessional kissing one of your customers in the shop, but Phil wasn’t just any customer. He was  _ Phil _ . 

Dan was pulled from his thoughts when the delicious smell of cheese and pepperoni hit him. He sighed happily as Phil hit play on the DVD that Dan had already slid in the player earlier and grabbed a slice of pizza. As he settled back into the couch, Phil leant against him, their shoulders touching. It made Dan feel content and warm and he knew that he’d done the right thing in inviting Phil over to his place.

*

Phil had been right that Dan’s apartment would mirror his personality; the more he looked the more details he was able to find, even though the flat had seemed straightforward at first. There weren’t many decorations and even fewer pictures. So far Phil had only been able to spot a photograph of Dan and a blonde women, both smiling happily at the camera, on the shelf in the living room, which also housed DVDs and video games. Apart from the orchid Phil had given Dan, there weren’t any plants present and everything was more or less monochrome, much like Dan’s tattoo studio.

Phil was glad he’d thought of bringing a flower with him. It livened up the place considerably and at the same time it was like a part of Phil had integrated itself into Dan’s life more firmly. He’d positioned the orchid next to the telly on the TV stand, where Dan would hopefully see it constantly so he wouldn’t forget to water it. Susan One and Two, as Dan creatively named the two plants in his tattoo parlour, hadn’t looked too nourished the last time Phil had visited the shop, so Phil had had to point out to Dan that plants actually needed water to live and that Phil couldn’t always remind him. 

They were currently on the couch, their entire sides touching, and Phil couldn’t really concentrate on the movie, not with Dan’s relaxed, warm body next to his. They had devoured the pizza from earlier about ten minutes into the movie and were munching on a bowl of popcorn Dan had made. He knew just the right amount of time it took to microwave it so there weren’t many kernels left but also no burned bits. Phil was convinced that Dan was cheating in some sort of way because no one could be that good at making microwave popcorn. Even though Dan said he had perfected the art of microwaving popcorn over a considerate amount of time. 

The popcorn as well as the movie was nearing its end but Phil was reluctant to leave already. Luckily, Dan seemed to feel the same because when the end credits began to roll, he turned to Phil and challenged him to a round of Monopoly.

They finished the round two hours later with Dan winning. Phil was of the opinion he’d been able to win easily but had let Dan win since he was so competitive. Dan, of course, thought that was utter bullshit and Phil was just sour he’d lost to him so Phil challenged him to another round, which he lost again. 

The next time Phil looked at the clock it was nearing 2 am and as if on cue, he had to stifle a yawn. Dan noticed straightaway.

“Maybe we should continue another time,” he said and grinned. “Old people shouldn’t be awake this long.”

“‘m fine”, Phil replied but had to yawn again. “And I’m not old.”

“Whatever you say, old man.”

“Actually shut up!” Phil exclaimed and nudged Dan’s shoulder playfully. Dan only laughed at that, mirth dancing in his eyes.

“But I suppose you’re right, it’s pretty late,” Phil said eventually.

“I always am.”

Phil fixed him with an exasperated look, not really meaning it. He began gathering up the game pieces and putting them back in the box, Dan helping him, and soon they’d stored away the game and stood in the corridor in front of the entrance door. Phil had already put on his jacket and was just slipping his shoes on when he saw Dan shrugging on his leather jacket.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked, tying up the shoelaces and then straightening up.

Dan turned to look at him and almost fell over while putting on his left shoe. “I’m walking you back to your apartment,” he said slowly as if it should‘ve been obvious.

“You don’t need to,” Phil replied automatically.  

“I know, but I want to,” Dan said and smiled at him, then looked away as he put on the other shoe.

Phil couldn’t help but smile as well and when Dan opened his door, his shoulder bumped into Phil’s and he grinned at Phil as if he knew something that Phil had no idea about. 

They spent the walk to Phil’s apartment in comfortable silence, letting the quietness of the town wash over them, while their hands often touched due to them walking close to each other. It was a peaceful night, with barely any wind, the stars and half moon visible in the dark sky, but Phil’s gaze strayed to Dan more often than not, his face only illuminated by the street lights. 

Too soon they arrived at Phil’s apartment and Phil spent more time than necessary searching his pockets for his keys. He really didn’t want this night to end.

He looked at Dan, whose gaze was already fixed on him, and Phil stepped forward, not really knowing what it was that he wanted. Dan met him halfway, the lack of light making him seem darker than usual but Phil knew that behind that facade were light and colours.

Dan’s eyes flickered to Phil’s lips and back up again and Phil automatically licked his lips. 

“Can I-?”

“Yes,” Phil interrupted Dan before he was even able to ask his question halfway. The need to touch Dan made his fingers itch. 

Dan nodded. Phil wasn’t sure if he did it to show Phil he’d heard him or if it was an unconscious gesture to prepare himself for what was going to happen. If he was anywhere near as nervous as Phil, it was definitely the latter.

Dan stepped forward, closing the remaining distance between them, and Phil lost himself in his brown eyes as he felt Dan’s hands softly gripping his hips and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching for Dan as well, his hands wandering over Dan’s waist upwards.

The first kiss was more a soft pressing of lips to lips, barely there and almost instantly gone, much like the one they’d shared in Dan’s studio but with as much feeling behind it.

The second kiss, though, was surer and Phil automatically opened his mouth, letting his tongue softly prod at Dan’s lips. Then Dan’s tongue was touching his and it felt like electricity was running through his body, making his hands tingle where he’d buried them in Dan’s hair. He should’ve known but was still kind of shocked when he felt a piercing –  _ of course _ Dan would have a tongue piercing – the metal unfamiliar but also kind of exciting.

Dan crowded him against the wall and he knew he should’ve been able to feel the uneven stone digging into his back, but all he could concentrate on where Dan’s hands on his hips and their lips touching. It wasn’t perfect; their noses bumped awkwardly from time to time and in an attempt to get closer, Phil actually stepped on Dan’s foot. But it was perfect in the sense that Phil couldn’t think of anything better than Dan in his arms, kissing him breathless.

When they did come up for air eventually, Phil opened his eyes to a completely wrecked looking Dan. His lips were swollen red from kissing and his hair was sticking up in some places where Phil had gripped it. His pupils were blown wide, almost completely erasing the brown irises. Phil could only imagine himself looking similar if the look on Dan’s face was anything to go by. 

Wind crept inside his jacket and suddenly Phil became aware of the fact that they were still standing outside in the street where anyone could see them. Even though almost everyone was probably asleep at this late hour he could feel a blush creeping onto his cheeks from embarrassment but also couldn’t stop himself from smiling at the same time.

He wanted to always remember this but most of all he wanted to share more moments like this with Dan, to spend as much time as possible with him. However, he knew Dan still needed space and he didn’t want to push him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with so he let his hands grab Dan’s from his waist, letting their fingers intertwine. 

“I should go,” he said, leaning forwards and pressing another soft kiss to Dan’s lips. 

“Yeah,” Dan murmured. After another kiss from him, he opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again after a few seconds.

Phil squeezed his hand to encourage him to say whatever was on his mind and Dan looked away and blushed. Phil could feel Dan’s hands start to sweat.

“Does this…,” Dan trailed off and his eyes flitted back to Phil shortly before looking away again. “Would you like to be my boyfriend?” he then asked, his voice betraying how nervous he was.

“Of course,” Phil said immediately, feeling his insides turn to mush. He squeezed Dan’s hands again and Dan instantly broke out into a smile, his whole face lighting up. Phil reciprocated the smile and then they kissed again and Phil didn’t want to go into his apartment, he wanted to stay here with Dan forever.

*

“What’s that?”

As Phil heard the familiar voice close behind him, he startled a bit. He turned around from where he’d been rearranging some plants to face Dan.

“What’s what?” he asked confused when Dan didn’t elaborate.

Dan raised an eyebrow and pointed to Phil’s hair. “That thing on your head,” he clarified.

“Oh,” Phil replied and smiled, absentmindedly reaching up to touch the creation on his head lightly. “It’s a flower crown I made. I’m thinking about making some more and selling them actually.”

“You made that yourself?” Dan asked in open wonder and stood up on tiptoes to have a closer look at it even though he was taller than Phil anway.

“Yeah, I saw a tutorial on YouTube.” Phil blushed and looked away for a second and Dan couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and taking Phil’s hand in his.

“Well, I think it turned out pretty good,” he reassured Phil.

“Thanks,” Phil replied, still blushing but with a smile on his lips. “Do you want one, too?”

“Nah, I’m good. Would kind of ruin my aesthetic,” he said, gesturing to his all black outfit.

“Of course,” Phil laughed, shaking his head. He didn’t miss the way Dan eyed the flower crown on his head for longer than necessary.

“Let me know if you change your mind.”

“I will,” Dan replied and then started to talk about the tattoo he’d designed earlier, telling Phil all about the detailed requests the customer had had.

As Phil listened to Dan talking animatedly, he started picturing Dan with a flower crown atop his chocolate coloured hair and decided that it would actually be a very good look for him.

*

Phil looked at his handiwork, admiring how well he’d realised his idea. Ever since he’d talked to Dan about flower crowns, he hadn’t been able to get the picture of Dan wearing one out of his head. Of course, Dan being Dan, Phil knew that Dan wouldn’t wear one with colourful flowers. Which was the reason why he’d made him one with black ones.

Phil still wasn’t sure if Dan would actually like to wear it, though, so he carefully let it slide into his bag, which he then slung over his shoulder as he made his way downstairs, ready to walk over to Dan’s place.

It didn’t take him long until he arrived there and was greeted by Dan at the door, but it wasn’t until they were sitting on the sofa, Dan practically in Phil’s lap, that Phil brought the flower crown up.

“I’ve made something for you,” Phil said as he brushed through Dan’s hair.

“Oh?” Dan perked up, suddenly more interested in Phil than Evan Peters on the telly.

Phil gently shoved Dan off of him and got up, traipsing over to his bag in the hallway. He grabbed the flower crown and strategically hid it behind his back before walking back to the sofa.

“What is it?” Dan asked, trying to sneak a peek.

Phil grinned. “Close your eyes.”

Dan sighed but then complied. “I swear, if you smear purple dye in my hair for that time I accidentally stepped on your foot, I’m going to shave off all of your hair.”

“Well, first of all, that wasn’t accidentally and you know it, and secondly, this has nothing to do with that,” Phil replied, raising an eyebrow. “But if you don’t want the surprise…”

“No, no, no,” Dan said quickly. 

“Okay,” Phil laughed and placed the flower crown on Dan’s head.

Dan frowned. “Phil,” he said slowly, “you’ve put something on my hair.”

“Just, open your eyes,” Phil replied and sat down next to Dan again.

Dan immediately opened his eyes and his hand shot upwards, probing at the crown. “What the-” he exclaimed and grabbed it, yanking it off his head. 

Phil could see the exact moment Dan realised what he was holding in his hands, because his eyes widened and his mouth fell open. 

“What- this-,” he stuttered.

“It’s a flower crown,” Phil helpfully added. 

“I can see that it’s a flower crown, Phil,” Dan retorted and rolled his eyes. He put it back on his head and grabbed his phone, putting it on selfie mode. 

“I can’t believe you’ve made a flower crown for me,” he then added after looking at himself with the black flowers atop his hair. 

“It was nothing.”

Dan turned towards Phil and fixed him with a smile. “Thank you,” he breathed and kissed him.

Well, if that was the reaction he’d always get upon making something for Dan then Phil needed to surprise him with another twenty or so flower crowns. 

*

It was early morning but the temperatures were already pretty high. It made Phil not want to get out of bed at all. He knew it would be one of those days where the heat would make it impossible to move a finger without sweating. He didn’t like weather like this; it wasn’t particularly great for him and even less so for his plants, apart from all the succulents who didn’t mind the warm temperatures and lack of water.

Nevertheless, he had to work so he reluctantly got up and ready while texting Dan back in between, who’d sent him a large amount of animal pictures during the night that had apparently ‘reminded him of Phil’. Not that Phil complained, he liked looking at cute animals. It always brightened up his day immensely.

Before leaving his apartment he printed the notice he’d created on his laptop the previous day. During the course of the last few weeks he had realised that it became increasingly more difficult to balance work and his relationship with Dan as well as juggling his hobbies and spending time with friends. Therefore, he had decided that another employee for his shop would be helpful. Then he would have more time off which he could invest in Dan and other things. Probably more Dan than other things, if he was being honest with himself. The shop was doing well enough that he could afford to employ a third person and he hoped that he would find someone who had some knowledge of plants at least, apart from remembering their prices.

Phil attached the notice to the glass door of the shop with sellotape. He hoped that would be enough but feared that he would also need to put up more notices elsewhere. He was so engrossed in thought that he hadn’t noticed Dan coming in until there were hands on his shoulders, startling him. He let out an embarrassingly high pitched yelp and spun around to face Dan.

“Sorry,” Dan said but was laughing despite his apology. Regardless of the warm temperatures he was wearing an all black outfit again. Phil didn’t understand how he didn’t melt on the spot.

“Daan,” Phil whined, “you’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Dan replied, raising an eyebrow.

Phil pouted and turned towards the counter again but then Dan bumped his shoulder and he automatically smiled.

“I saw you’ve put up a notice for a new employee?” Dan said as he leant against the counter next to Phil. He was drumming his fingers on his legs, creating a fast rhythm.

“Yeah, I thought it was about time.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked. Confusion was etched onto his face.

“I’m basically working non-stop and while I don’t mind, I’d like a bit more free time. Especially since, y’know,” he said and gestured between themselves, “we’re boyfriends now.”

Dan blushed in that adorable way of his where he got a red spot on the left side of his jaw, but instead of looking away like Phil had expected, his eyes widened.

“You want to employ someone so you can spend more time with me?”

“Of course,” Phil replied, because, wasn’t it obvious how infatuated he was with Dan? Everyone else certainly seemed to see it, why was it that Dan was still surprised by this? “While I certainly like visiting your shop, I can’t really afford to close mine to do so all the time. And I’m pretty sure it’s the same for you.”

Dan seemed to think about it shortly. “Yeah,” he said while nodding to himself.

“I’m not gonna look for another employe, though,” he added after a few seconds.

“Well, you don’t need to,” Phil replied. He turned to lean his elbow on the counter so that he was properly facing Dan.

“I just prefer to do everything myself,” Dan said as if Phil had asked for an explanation. “I suppose I could hire someone to do piercings but there’s more people coming in for tattoos anyway, so I don’t know if it’d be worth it in the end.”

“You could always get another tattoo artist,” Phil suggested.

“Yeah.” The way Dan said it told Phil that he didn’t really want that.

Phil was just about to answer when the bell above the café entrance chimed and Rachel walked in. She spotted them immediately and waved enthusiastically. “Good morning, you two!”

Dan rolled his eyes and huffed. “Why do you always have to be so cheery in the morning?” he complained.

“One of us has to be,” she said matter of factly and shoved him as she walked to the back room to get rid of her bag.

“I thought I was the cheery one,” Phil piped up.

“Not when you’ve not had your coffee yet,” Rachel shouted and then came back just to pointedly look at him from the doorway.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Phil said and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“You ignore everyone and everything before you’ve had coffee.” She raised an eyebrow and then vanished into the back room again.

Dan started laughing quietly next to him and Phil pouted at him, causing Dan to full out laugh. “I can’t believe you told me I’m grumpy when I’ve not had coffee and now I find out that you’re apparently worse.”

“I’m not,” Phil insisted, even though it was futile.

“Speaking of coffee, I could really use one,” Dan said, finally having stopped laughing. He pulled his phone out of his jeans pockets and cast a look at the clock on the lock screen. “I’ve got an early appointment at half eight.”

“Oh, what for?” Phil asked, already moving behind the counter and grabbing a to go cup.

“A tattoo of the map of Ireland on the customer’s back.”

Phil hummed in response and went on to prepare the coffee the way Dan prefered it, with a lot of shots of Espresso and a bit of caramel syrup to counteract the bitterness.

“Sounds like a lot of work,” Phil said as he handed Dan the cup, who made a happy sound as he inhaled the sweet scent of the hot beverage.

“It’s okay, just takes a lot of time.”

Phil nodded. “I’ll see you later then?”

“Yeah,” Dan smiled and then leant forward and captured Phil’s lips in a short kiss.

“Ugh, please stop!” Phil startled and turned to look at Rachel, who’d stepped into the main room again, and was shielding her eyes with her hand.

Phil chuckled and cast an amused look at Dan, who was blushing again and fixing his fringe, even though there was nothing to fix in the first place.

“See you later,” he said, smiling slightly, and then he was out of the door before Phil could reply.

*

Dan actually didn’t mind the warm weather. Sure, being in direct sunlight wasn’t comfortable for him either, but it was bearable in the shadows and he certainly wasn’t going to abandon his usual clothing style just because the temperatures were a bit higher than typical. It wasn’t going to stay this warm for long anyway. A normal English summer consisted of two or three sweltering days, if they were lucky, but the rest were just ordinary temperatures, bordering on cold, or rain and dreary weather. Considering this, mostly everyone swarmed the streets on the extraordinarily hot days, even the people who usually didn’t go outside.

Therefore, it wasn’t surprising that Phil delayed the closing time of his shop as it was basically overrun by people and all the tables in front of it were taken. Dan had stopped by shortly after work but Phil had been overly busy, trying to make three iced coffees at once, and had only been able to tell Dan that he could come by later before he’d had to go serve the beverages.

Dan had went home to his flat, excited for later. Surprisingly enough, it was pleasantly cool in his flat despite it being on the top floor. Not that Dan was complaining.

He was still glad he’d put the Ribena in the fridge earlier so that he had something cold to drink while lounging on the couch with his laptop. Browsing tumblr and reblogging pictures was the perfect relaxation after tattooing for two straight hours that morning and then another two times in the afternoon.

As it was nearing six o’clock, Dan repeatedly checked his phone for new messages but Phil still hadn’t contacted him. He was probably still busy at work, so Dan decided to watch an episode of an anime he’d had abandoned for a while. It was difficult to get into the story again at first, but soon enough he was captivated by it completely.

Just as he had started the third episode - once you started, it was difficult to ever stop - his doorbell rang. He pressed pause and got up. A quick look at the clock told him that it was past half six. Maybe this was Phil then who’d decided to come to Dan’s place straight after work. Except Phil always called or texted before he visited.

Dan went to the door and pressed the button for the intercom system. “Hello?”

“Dan,” a voice on the other side said and Dan’s heart momentarily stopped. At least it felt that way because there was  _ no way _ that this was the person he thought it was.

“Sorry, who is this?” he asked, his pulse rising. He could feel the palms of his hands starting to sweat.

“It’s me.” The intercom made the voice crackly but Dan had listened to it for so long, he’d be able to recognise it anywhere.

“Alex?” he asked because he still couldn’t quite believe that this was actually happening. He knew he shouldn’t actually engage him but for some bizarre reason he couldn’t stop himself from responding.

“Dan, I’m sorry,” Alex said, and there was urgency in his voice. “I’m sorry for everything that happened. I didn’t want it to end like that.” There was a short pause before he continued. “I didn’t want it to end at all. If I could, I’d turn back time and change what happened. But I can’t, no matter how much I want to.”

Dan leant against the wall next to the intercom. He suddenly felt wobbly on his feet and his hands were shaking uncontrollably.

“No,” he whispered, more to himself than to Alex. He wasn’t supposed to find him. He wasn’t supposed to apologise. Dan was done with that chapter of his life. He didn’t want to think about that anymore; he wanted to leave it behind him.

“Dan?” Alex asked. His voice sounded soft and hurt in a way that Dan knew all too well. He’d always used that tone of voice when he’d wanted something. This time he wasn’t going to get it.

“Fuck off.” Dan said with as much venom as he could. “Leave me the fuck alone.” Even to his own ears he sounded much calmer than he actually felt.

“I understand that you don’t want to see me right now, Dan, but please believe me when I say I’m sorry,” Alex pleaded. “I love you, okay, and I can’t be without you. You made a mistake ending our relationship.”

Dan bit his lip so hard it started to bleed. The disgusting taste of metal made him feel sick.

“You’re not sorry,” he said, his voice wavering a bit. “You never were.”

“ _ I am _ . Please, Dan, can we talk about this?”

“No,” Dan replied, but suddenly he sounded unsure and he  _ felt  _ unsure. He’d never thought that this would happen and now that it was, he didn’t know how to react properly. Speaking to Alex brought up all those feelings he thought he’d left behind.

Before he knew what he was doing, his phone was in his hand and he was staring at Louise’s name above her number on the display. As he pushed himself off the wall and walked into the living room, he could faintly hear Alex’ voice following him but then he had shut the door and the phone was pressed to his ear.

Louise picked up on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Louise, it’s Dan.” He could hear distant chatter and other sounds in the background.

“Oh Dan, this is not a good time, I’m at work,” she replied, her voice apologetic.

“I know, I’m sorry, I just…” he trailed off, not quite knowing how to bring this up. Even though it had just happened, it sounded unbelievable that Alex had actually shown up at his door, and for a short moment Dan asked himself if he had imagined the last few minutes.

“What’s wrong?” The background sounds faded slowly but surely until he could hear nothing but her breathing. She must’ve gone to a quiet place.

“It’s Alex.”

“What about him?” she asked and he could hear how irritated she was upon hearing his name.

“He found me,” Dan said and he had to sit down on his couch as the reality of those words finally sunk in. “He’s in front of my flat.”

“ _ What? _ ” Louise almost shouted.

“I don’t know how he did it,” Dan said, “but he somehow managed to find out my address.”

“Fuck,” she replied and Dan’s eyes widened. It wasn’t that Louise never swore, she just never did in serious situations. She always kept her cool and knew what to do, so her reaction caught him off guard. “Call the police,” she added then, much calmer.

“I can’t call the police, Lou. What will I tell them? That my ex found my address and asked me if we could talk but that I didn’t want that? He hasn’t actually physically done anything to me, you know that.” Dan reasoned, because he’d had that thought already.

“I know, I know,” she sighed. “It’s… I just hate him so much.”

“I know,” Dan echoed her words. He bit his lip again, causing it to bleed even more. He could all too well remember the weeks he had spent at Louise’s place.

“I’m afraid,” he admitted after a few seconds of silence. He could sense that Louise wanted to say something but managed to beat her to it. He needed to say this, otherwise he never would.

“I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough,” he whispered. He couldn’t even say this out loud properly. “I don’t remotely love him anymore, but he knows how to manipulate me, and I’m afraid that I’ll fall for it even if I don’t want to.”

“You won’t,” she immediately insisted. “You didn’t let him in, did you?”

“Of course not!” Dan exclaimed.

“See?” she replied. “You’re much stronger than you think you are. You don’t give yourself enough credit. It was  _ you  _ who broke it off and it was  _ you  _ who started anew. That was only down to you, and maybe a bit to me, but if you hadn’t wanted that, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“Thanks, Lou,” Dan said. He’d really needed to hear that.

“Have you told Phil?”

“No,” Dan sighed. “He doesn’t know about him at all.”

“Dan,” she said and it sounded a bit reproachful, but he knew that she didn’t really mean it like that. She was worried about him, like always, and didn’t want him not telling Phil to backfire for him.

“I know, Lou. I just… look, I couldn’t tell him, okay?” He raked a hand through his hair. “It’s difficult enough speaking about it with you and you were there,” he admitted.

“I know, and I’m glad you feel safe enough to tell me, but Dan, he wouldn’t run away if you did tell him. He’d be able to help.”

“I don’t want him to help with this,” Dan said, getting frustrated. He didn’t want Phil to look at him with pity or anything remotely like that. All he wanted was to forget about that part of his life.

“I’ll just… I’ll ignore him. I won’t engage him and if he does keep following me, I’ll call the police, okay?”

“If it gets too much, don’t hesitate to tell me, yeah? I’ll more than gladly come and beat that bastard up for you,” she said, not one bit of sarcasm detectable in her voice.

“Thank you,” Dan said sincerely. “I…,” he trailed off, not quite knowing what it was he’d wanted to say in the first place.

“It’s okay, Dan. He can’t touch you. I won’t let him.”

“Thanks, Lou.”

“There’s no need to thank me, sweetheart. That’s what best friends are for,” Louise replied. Sometimes Dan felt more like she was his big sister than his best friend but he supposed those descriptions could be interchangeable anyway.

“I love you, you know,” Dan said because he didn’t know how else to convey how much she meant to him. She’d always been there for him and she still was, despite all the difficult times he’d experienced.

“I love you too, you giant nerd,” she said fondly. “But I do need to get back to work now, as much as I want to stay on the phone with you.”

“It’s okay. I understand,” he replied and took a deep breath. “I’m okay.”

“Okay, I want you to call me regularly with updates, alright? Or text me, as long as it’s some form of contact telling me you’re fine, I’ll be happy.”

“I will,” he said and upon Louise saying his name in an all too familiar tone, he repeated his promise once more.

“Talk to you soon,” she then said and hung up, and even though Dan had been alone in his apartment before and during the phone call, he somehow felt even lonelier now. He clutched his phone to his chest, willing it to vibrate. He really needed to see Phil right now.

*

_ A few weeks earlier _

_ Dan had had a spectacularly shitty morning and an even worse afternoon. Work had been hell to say the least. He’d been yelled at by a customer, for something that hadn’t even been his fault in the first place. _

_ Needless to say, Dan was pretty exhausted and all he craved was sitting down on the couch to watch a movie he didn’t have to think about too much. He wanted to fall asleep in Alex’ arms and just forget today had ever happened. _

_ Originally, he’d been supposed to meet up with Louise for dinner but after he’d called her, she’d immediately told him to go home and enjoy an afternoon of silence to wind down and relax. Dan had itched to go see her still since they didn’t manage to meet up very often but had been relieved at the same time. He didn’t think he could’ve enjoyed their dinner much with exhaustion tugging at his limbs. _

_ With those thoughts Dan climbed up the stairs to the flat he shared with Alex and, after searching for his keys for full two minutes, finally opened the door. He carelessly chucked his bag and jacket in a corner, not really caring where they landed, and peeled his shoes off. For a few seconds he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to relax a bit. The stiffness in his shoulders and neck didn’t go away, though. He could definitely use a thorough massage. _

_ He rolled his shoulders and walked into the kitchen, scouring the fridge for something to eat but came up empty-handed. He tried to remember if it had been his turn to go food shopping or Alex’s but couldn’t bring his thoughts into any kind of resemblance of order and just ended up deciding to order in. He did that most of the time anyway, not really bothering to maintain a healthy diet. _

_ It was when he walked towards the direction of their living room that he started hearing the noises. He stopped to listen closely, not quite sure what it actually was that he was hearing. After a few seconds he felt it safe to say that the quiet moans and groans weren’t coming from someone doing exercise. Well, it was if Dan considered sex exercise. Which he kind of did but at the same time he associated exercise with going running or doing stupid sit-ups, leaving him moist in all the wrong places and in a bad mood. _

_ He stepped towards the bedroom, the sounds getting louder the closer he got. He couldn’t believe that Alex was actually watching porn this loudly. Normally he only watched porn when Dan wasn’t there as Dan preferred the real thing over scripted, exaggerated sex, but the times where Dan had been home, Alex certainly hadn’t had it on such a high volume. _

_ It annoyed Dan a bit, probably because he was hungry as well, since he only wanted some peace and quiet, and Alex being horny and probably wanting to have sex certainly didn’t help with that. Of course, he could simply ignore it and sit down in the living room to watch one of the TV shows he’d neglected over the past weeks but for some reason he continued his way to the bedroom, the door to which was closed. If Dan had paid proper attention he’d have realised that that had been one of the many warning signs that something was wrong. He didn’t, though, probably because he was too tired and exhausted and had other thoughts on his mind. _

_ He opened the door, ready to tell Alex to please turn down the volume so he could take a nap, but the words got caught in his throat. _

_ The next seconds felt like someone had put a buffer on them and made them fast forward. Everything happened in a blur and yet Dan was completely clear about what was happening. _

_ Dan’s limbs felt heavy as he turned around and he could distantly hear someone calling his name. Everything was far away and for a moment he wondered if he’d left his body, but then someone gripped his shoulder and he was turned around forcefully. _

*

Alex was sitting in a café in the heart of the town where Dan lived. It had taken him a while to find out his address but in the end it hadn’t been that difficult. Dan probably hadn’t thought that he would ever see him again but, like with a lot of things, he had been wrong. Dan was also wrong about not wanting Alex anymore, of that Alex was sure. He was just upset about what Alex had done, that was all. And Alex could understand, he had feelings after all, but he also knew that Dan would be able to forgive him with time, like he always did.

It had been a while since they’d seen each other, which was mostly down to Dan’s friend Louise. Alex knew he should’ve gotten Dan to cut off all contact with her as soon as he’d gotten to know her, then he never would’ve left in the first place. As it was, though, Dan had left and stayed with her, and she’d made sure that Alex hadn’t been able to come near Dan at all.

That was different now. Louise was still in London while Dan was here. The way it seemed, he had wanted to make a fresh start, somewhere no one knew him. Alex understood; their separation must’ve hurt him. But now that Alex was back, Dan didn’t need to be hurt anymore and he certainly didn’t need these unknown people more than he needed Alex.

He took a sip of the steaming black coffee he had ordered and he had to admit that it was rather nice tasting. He normally got a coffee to go at the admittedly shady café round the corner of his flat every morning and despite the high price it didn’t taste particularly good. He only got it these days because of habit.

He looked up to the counter where the good looking barista was standing. Her brown hair was tied back in a ponytail and he wondered what it’d look like flowing over her shoulders. She was pretty and if it hadn’t been for her blue eyes, she would’ve very much reminded him of a female version of Dan.

As if she’d sensed that he was looking at her, she turned around and shot him a smile in answer to his own. At that moment a guy, presumably in his late twenties, with black hair and glasses appeared. Alex recognised him as the owner of the flower shop because he’d accidentally walked into that part first instead of the actual café.

Since Alex had occupied a table near the counter, he could clearly hear what they were talking about. It was helping that there weren’t many people about. Apart from a young couple he was the only other customer in the café.

“I think that since we closed later than usual yesterday, we could cut today short,” the guy said to the barista as he leant on the counter with his elbows.

“That sounds perfect!” the barista exclaimed with a relieved sigh, making the flower guy smile. He nodded and was about to go back to his plants, when the girl spoke up again.

“Did you manage to see Dan yesterday?”

“No,” the florist replied. “I accidentally fell asleep as soon as I sat down on the couch,” he said sheepishly, and wait,  _ what? _ They weren’t talking about  _ his  _ Dan, were they?

The barista giggled. “The same probably happened to him. He looked pretty tired when he popped in.”

“Yeah,” the guy replied, but he looked sort of guilty with the way he fixed his fringe and shifted from one foot to the other. Then he walked back to the other part of the shop.

Alex eyes followed him, even if he wasn’t really paying attention to the guy. He was thinking about the possibility of this Dan being  _ his  _ Dan. If it was, then Dan had found someone new pretty fast.

To be honest, Alex hadn’t entertained the idea of Dan being with someone else in the slightest. In his mind, Dan had always been his and he’d been sure that Dan wouldn’t be able to forget him. Well, Alex would make sure that he wouldn’t ever again.

He downed the rest of his coffee, not liking the taste of it anymore. He had paid in advance already, so he got up and walked towards the exit. He was almost out of the door, when he noticed the piece of paper hanging inside of it.

_ “Now hiring. Please apply inside.” _

Already, a plan was forming in Alex’ mind.  _ His  _ Dan would certainly not be that random guy’s Dan any longer.

He turned around and walked to the florist, who seemed to be the boss, considering he was definitely older than the barista.

“Hey, sorry,” Alex started and the florist turned around, a bright smile on his lips, “I saw that you’re hiring.”

*

Phil was surprised that it hadn’t even been a whole week until someone had asked for the job. There had been a teenager two days prior but when Phil had told him about what his responsibilities would be, he’d gone white in the face and hadn’t contacted Phil since. 

The guy, Alex, had seemed nice enough, so Phil had told him to come back after closing time for a quick chat about the job to see if he’d be fit for it. To be completely honest, Phil had forgotten all about that afterwards as he’d been too engrossed in his flowers and Dan, who stopped by to say a quick but heartfelt ‘hi’ - and with that Phil most certainly meant a kiss and Dan showing him a video of a red panda that was absolutely hilarious. 

Phil was just cleaning the tables - he’d sent Rachel home early - when Alex walked in. 

“Hey,” he said, confidently and not in any way awkward, like Phil would’ve been in his position.

“Hi,” Phil replied and waved with the hand that held the cleaning cloth. “I’m just cleaning the rest of these tables and then we can talk.”

“Sure.” Alex smiled at him and took to looking around the shop while Phil finished wiping the tables. They sat down at a table in front of the giant window. The various piercings in Alex’s ears and on his face slightly reflected the late afternoon sun coming in through the window. He had a lot more than Dan, and Phil guessed that he had even more tattoos if the rose on his neck and the tattoo sleeves were anything to go by.

“So, Alex, how much do you know about flowers?” Phil asked, after he’d had a look at Alex’ CV. It looked decent enough; he’d worked in a few different shops throughout his life, one of them even being a tattoo parlour, which made Phil think of Dan.

“I used to help my Grandma in the garden when I was younger so I know a bit, but I’m afraid that’s the extent of it.” He laughed at the end, making Phil chuckle.

“Well, that’s more than I expected,” Phil replied, “and I’m sure you’d learn over time.”

“You could show me a few things,” Alex said, slightly raising an eyebrow. It seemed suggestive in a way but Phil wasn’t quite sure he’d actually meant it that way.

“I see here that you used to work in a tattoo parlour in London. Why did you decide to go for a job here?” Phil inquired.

“I needed a change,” Alex said, shrugging. “And this town seems like the perfect place for it.”

“It definitely is,” Phil replied absentmindedly as his thoughts drifted off to Dan. Alex kind of reminded him of Dan in a way, both having come from London to this small town.

“I’d like you to come back the next few days to work on a trial basis. Obviously I won’t be able to pay you for those days but if I see that you fit the shop and do well, then I’d love to see you work here,” Phil said honestly. He could see Alex work well with Rachel and Robert and he was sure he’d get on with the customers splendidly as well. 

“That sounds amazing,” Alex replied enthusiastically and with a smile on his lips. “Thank you for this chance, you won’t regret it.” He offered Phil his hand and after letting go again, he got up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow a bit before eight then, so we can set everything up.” Phil told him and after saying goodbye, Alex left the shop. 

Phil cleaned the rest of the shop and put everything into the right order before retiring to his flat. He was in such a good mood that he decided to do some gardening, even though it was past five o’clock already and his back was protesting further manual labour. He didn’t even notice that Dan hadn’t texted him until after he’d sat down on his couch to watch some TV. It did seem a bit weird to him since Dan never failed to text him, even if it was something mundane, but put it down to Dan probably having had a stressful day and needing some rest. 

When he woke up the next day, rolling onto his side to grab his phone from the bedside table, it showed him a text from Dan. A smile crept onto his face as he looked at the selfie Dan had sent him. It showed him with his ‘hobbit hair’, as he so  _ lovingly  _ liked to call it, in bed. Apparently he slept shirtless, as Phil observed. 

He grabbed his glasses and after putting them on, attempted to also take a selfie. They didn’t turn out well but he decided to send one anyway, because he didn’t feel the need to pretend for Dan. He couldn’t for the life of him take good selfies, so what. Dan was going to see him in real later anyway.

After having breakfast and at least two coffees - it was the middle of the week, he needed more coffee to be able to function - he went down to the shop. To his surprise, Alex was already waiting in front of it. 

“Hey,” Alex said and grinned at him.

“Hi,” Phil replied, walking up to him. “Why are you here so early?”

“I figured you could use some help setting everything up.” 

“That’s very considerate of you,” Phil said as he unlocked the door. If Alex was as good at the job as he was nice, he was the perfect guy for it. As Phil went about setting everything up, he explained to Alex what he was doing. Alex was quick to launch himself into the work and help Phil in putting the displays for the flower shop outside.

It turned out that Alex was getting better and better as the day went on. He listened attentively when Phil explained how he was putting together a certain bouquet of flowers and what the individual flowers meant. When he wasn’t with Phil in the flower shop, he helped out Rachel in the café, charming the customers right off of their feet. Phil was pleased with his work to say the least.

Near lunch time Phil’s phone vibrated in his back pocket and he sneaked a quick look, hoping that no one would notice him staring at his phone instead of working. 

**Dan 12:27:**   
_ Do you want to come over for lunch?  _

Phil sighed as he started typing a reply. He really wanted to see Dan as they hadn’t been able to meet yesterday but they were quite busy and he didn’t want to leave Alex for the time being, seeing as it was his first day and it wasn’t Rachel’s responsibility to look after him.

**Phil 12:28:**   
_ Sorry, can’t :( Having someone here for their first day working on a trial basis. Do you want to come over after work though? _

**Dan 12:28:** _  
_ _ I’m glad you found someone this quickly. and sure, can’t wait ^_^ _

Phil automatically smiled at Dan’s words. He slid the phone back into his pocket and a few seconds later a customer strolled into the shop, asking for a bouquet of roses.

*

Even though it had been quite a busy day, Phil had had immense fun. Working with Rachel always tended to brighten up his day anyway, but Alex had managed to make it even better with his jokes about coffee, which he seemed to know plenty of. He’d even offered to stay behind to clean up with Phil so Rachel could go back home to revise for an upcoming exam. 

Phil had just stored away the different flower displays from outside as Alex stepped towards him.

“Any plans for the evening?” he asked as he leant against the counter, his hands casually buried in the front pockets of his jeans.

“Yeah,” Phil replied absentmindedly, wondering if he’d watered all of the plants.

“What are you doing then?” Alex enquired.

“Oh,” Phil said, realising that he hadn’t really paid attention. “My boyfriend is coming by later.” He picked up the watering can and gave the palm trees a bit of water since he couldn’t remember when he’d last watered them.

“Oh.”

Phil stopped and turned towards Alex, whose face seemed closed-off all of a sudden. “Is there a problem?” he asked, trying not to sound icy. If Alex turned out to be homophobic then this would’ve been his first and last day at Phil’s shop. Phil had a lot of tolerance but he drew the line at homophobic or racist close-minded people.

“No, not at all,” Alex replied, smiling. “I have a boyfriend, too.”

Phil took a relieved breath and instantly relaxed. “That’s nice. What’s his name?”

“Dan,” Alex said with a smile on his lips, “he’s actually the reason I came here.”  

Now that was a coincidence, Phil thought. It was kind of funny that Alex’ boyfriend’s name was Dan, with the way Alex had reminded him a bit of his Dan.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Alex admitted, rubbing his neck as the word left his mouth. “He’s a tattoo artist and he’s amazing at his work. Some of these,” he pointed at his left arm and the tattoos covering it, “were actually done by him.”

Phil paused. What was the possibility of two tattoo artist with the same name being in a small town like this? Before questions of Alex’s Dan being the Dan he knew could emerge in his mind, he smiled at Alex and gestured to the door. 

“He sounds great,” he said, the set phrase leaving his lips automatically as he followed Alex outside and locked up the shop.

“He is,” Alex replied and he sounded deep in thought as if that Dan was occupying his mind right this minute.

“I’m going to head home,” Phil said, not wanting to seem dismissive, but he suddenly felt uneasy. He knew it would be difficult not to show his uneasiness, so he thought it best to end their conversation here.

“Sure, see you tomorrow,” Alex replied cheerily and walked backwards a few steps, waving shortly, and then turned around and briskly walked away.

Entering his flat, Phil couldn’t erase Alex’s words from his mind. He knew it was silly because coincidences like that existed and it was only natural to still doubt them. He was certain that Dan would’ve told him about any existing links to a possible boyfriend he still had in London before asking Phil to be his boyfriend. As much as Phil trusted Dan, though, doubts started to fill his mind. Dan hadn’t told him anything about his past yet, which, of course, was totally fine. Phil certainly wasn’t going to force him to open up about things he obviously had difficulty talking about. But what if the reason for Dan not speaking about his life in London was the fact that he still had a life there?

Phil abruptly shook his head, trying to get rid off those thoughts. He had to laugh a bit about himself then, because on second thought all of those doubts were terribly stupid. After all, this was  _ Dan  _ he was thinking about. Dan, who put every ounce of himself into this relationship and into making Phil happy. He’d even told Phil that his friend Louise was dying to meet him, upon her nearly shouting his ear off while Dan had been on the phone to her with Phil sitting next to him. Dan had been so indescribable happy in that moment, his eyes having been lit up by the smile that had taken up his entire face and his dimples having stood out even more than normal. 

No, Phil was absolutely sure that Dan was being honest with him, even if he kept his past very close to him. That left Alex, who’d been utterly nice and auxiliary to him since the minutes they’d met. Phil didn’t know him, though, and he realised with a pang that maybe Alex had been dishonest this entire time. 

*

Dan was nervous. Well, probably more anxious than nervous if he was going to be precise. 

He was on his way to Phil’s, constantly looking behind himself to see if anyone was following. In specific, if Alex was following him. Since the day before, when Alex had shown up at his flat out of the blue, Dan felt constantly uneasy and chased. Not only by Alex but also all the memories that came with him. He’d texted Louise several times about how he wasn’t sure he was able to do this much longer - not knowing what  _ this  _ even was - but she’d reassured him that this was merely a small stone in his path that he could easily overstep. He wasn’t as sure about it as she was.

Alex had always known what to say to manipulate people into doing exactly what he wanted. Dan was scared that he’d unknowingly do exactly what Alex wanted by doing the opposite of what Alex was saying.

He couldn’t help the small sigh of relief as he finally arrived at Phil’s door. He rang the bell and tried to banish all thoughts of Alex from his mind. Phil would know that something was up if Dan kept worrying about him and Dan wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about that specific part of his life yet. He trusted Phil but didn’t particularly trust himself and maybe, just maybe, if he ignored this problem, it would go away by itself for once.

Phil opened the door with a smile and Dan immediately relaxed. Not fully, but at least to the extent where he knew he’d be able to enjoy Phil’s presence and forget about the rest of the world for the duration of the evening. Phil did that a lot - letting Dan forgot about everything else for a while. Not in a bad way, because Dan tended to think too much sometimes, letting other people’s opinions get to him more than he wanted them to. It was nice not to have to think about all those opinions and problems of the world, but instead be able to concentrate on the one person that had quickly become a constant fixture in his life.

Still, while they sat side by side on the sofa - more talking with each other than paying attention to the movie that was currently on TV - Dan couldn’t help but notice the queasy feeling in his stomach that just wouldn’t go away, not even when their knees bumped together and their hands touched. 

After a while, his thoughts kept drifting off and he couldn’t stop them from not staying in the present. His memory kept replaying what had happened before Dan had decided to move here from London, the night that had changed everything.

*

_ A few weeks earlier _

_ “Dan! Stop!” _

_ Alex had his shoulder in a tight grip, obviously not wanting Dan to go anywhere, even if Dan hadn’t quite known where it was he’d been heading. His first instinct had been to just leave. _

_ “I can explain,” Alex pleaded and his words brought Dan back to the present and all of a sudden he became acutely aware of everything around him. He could smell the strong scent of sweat and sex distinctly coming off of Alex, his still laboured breathing was as loud as if he were directly breathing into Dan’s ear. He was only in his underwear, and Dan knew he’d hastily pulled it on to run after Dan. Dan looked up and the look in Alex’s eyes, calm, calculated, the complete opposite of his body language, made him snap. _

_ “You can explain?” Dan spat and shoved Alex’s hand off his shoulder. _

_ “Dan, please, it’s not what it looks like,” Alex said, reaching for Dan’s hand and keeping it in a tight grasp, and Dan could only scoff at the overused line. _

_ “I just caught you fucking another guy, how is that not what it looks like?” _

_ “You’ve got it all wrong,” Alex replied, his other hand coming up to caress Dan’s cheek but Dan moved away from his touch. _

_ “Were you teaching him some newly discovered yoga pose or what?” The anger was boiling in him and Dan didn’t know if he’d rather punch Alex or the wall. _

_ “No,” Alex said and for a short moment his gaze darted away over Dan’s shoulder before it was back on him. “We haven’t had sex for weeks,” Alex eventually added and Dan could only gape at him. Was he trying to give Dan the fault for this? _

_ “How long has this been going on?” Dan asked, his voice hoarse. He hadn’t meant to ask that, he didn’t even want to know the answer. _

_ “Not long.” _

_ Dan could tell that Alex was lying, knew from the way he’d answered without a second of hesitation, like he’d already had the answer sitting in his head for a while. A sob escaped him and Dan pressed his hand onto his mouth to keep any others from slipping out. _

_ Alex had been cheating on him, for who knew how long, and if Dan hadn’t cancelled his plans with Louise, he’d be having lunch with her now, completely oblivious to what was going on. _

_ “Come on, Dan, there’s no reason to get upset,” Alex said, a sympathetic look in his eyes. _

_ “No reason?” The words didn’t come out quite as harsh as he’d meant them to be. “Are you serious?” _

_ “You’re too sensitive sometimes, Dan,” Alex huffed, as if Dan had been the one cheating on him instead of the other way around. “He means nothing to me.” _

_ “Obviously I don’t either if you screw other people behind my back,” Dan retorted. He felt like he was in the wrong movie and didn’t quite grasp that this was actually happening to him. _

_ “No one but you has complained about this,” Alex said, and only as he let go of Dan’s hand, Dan noticed that he’d still been holding it. _

_ “Are you-“ Dan didn’t know what he wanted to say. Alex kept twisting everything the wrong way around, confusing Dan. “Does that-“ he stopped himself again. _

_ “Oh, Dan,” Alex sighed, reaching for his hand again, but this time Dan stepped back out of his reach. _

_ “He hasn’t been the only one, has he,” he said, pointing in the general direction of the bedroom. He realised he was shaking and quickly lowered his hand. _

_ “Dan, let’s talk about this calmly, please,” Alex replied, not denying Dan’s words, and Dan could feel his bottom lip start to tremble. _

_ “No,” Dan said as firm as he could, picking up his backpack and jacket off the ground, where he’d discarded them earlier. That seemed like a lifetime ago. “We’re done.” _

_ “ _ What? _ ” Alex’s eyes grew big and he hurriedly stepped forward, grasping Dan’s arm and tugging at it. “You can’t leave me.” _

_ “Watch me,” Dan spat and pulled his arm out of Alex’s grip. He started towards the door, not bothering to take anything else with him. He could come back another time for his things. _

_ “Dan, please, you’re being unreasonable,” Alex said as Dan opened the door. “What about the tattoo parlour? You won’t be able to manage it on your own.” _

_ Dan turned around at that but instead of the apologetic or sad look a very tiny part of him had hoped for, Alex kind of looked indifferent. Dan shook his head, stepping out into the corridor. _

_ “Fuck you,” he said and then he was walking down the stairs and exiting the building. The harsh wind pulled at his clothes and he automatically shrugged on his jacket. _

_ After he’d rounded the corner, he slowed his steps as the last few minutes kept replaying in his mind. He couldn’t fully grasp what had happened but as the realisation set in that he’d just broken up with Alex, for good this time, his eyes started to water and he felt dizzy. _

_ He leant against the nearest lamppost, trying to think about what he was going to do now. He couldn’t go back, so he needed someone he could stay with for the night and, most probably, longer. Most of his friends were also friends of Alex, so they were out of the question. _

_ Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and looking at the picture of him and Alex that he’d set as his background. Suddenly he felt off kilter, like someone had pulled the rug out from under his feet, and he realised that things were never going to be the same. God, he’d have to find a new apartment and move there and he’d have to cut all business ties with Alex, had to see if he could open up a shop elsewhere. There were so many things building up in his mind that he’d need to get done that it felt like they were crushing him and he didn’t know what else to do but give in. _

*

Dan sat on the stool behind the counter in his shop, when the bell above the door chimed, announcing a customer. A girl with, presumably, her friend entered and shyly asked Dan about piercing prices. Dan happily provided her with one of his pamphlets, which had prices for the different types of piercings in it as well as a bit of information about tattoos and piercings. 

After Dan had talked to her about everything important regarding piercings, e.g. the care and healing process, she made an appointment for the next day to get a helix pierced. Since she was underage, she needed a guardian to be present, a rule that Dan never broke, even though he’d gotten his first piercing at sixteen without his parent’s approval. 

After the girl and her friend were gone, Dan decided to take his lunch break. He turned around the sign inside the door and closed the door behind him. He’d already texted Phil earlier that he’d come by later during his break as Phil still didn’t want to leave the shop just to Robert and the new person he was working in. 

As Dan passed the colourful displays the wonderful smell of flowers hit him. He stepped through the already open door and immediately felt like he’d walked into a jungle. Phil was nowhere to be seen but instead there was someone else in the flower shop. From what Dan could see, it was a guy who was standing with his back to the entrance, bent over a flower and not paying attention to what was going on. That must be the new person that Phil was thinking about hiring.

Dan looked over towards the café but he could only spot Robert talking to a young woman at the counter. He decided to ask the new guy since Dan was pretty sure that Phil wouldn’t have left him on his own without telling him where he’d gone.

“Excuse me,” he said loud enough to be heard above the chatter coming from the café.

The guy straightened up and turned around and Dan was just about to ask him if he knew where Phil was when the words got caught in his throat. All of a sudden everything went silent and instead there was noise in his ears, disorienting him, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut for a moment to make sure that he wasn’t hallucinating. When he opened his eyes again, though, they focused on the exact scene he’d closed them on. 

Alex, whom he hadn’t seen in ages, wearing Phil’s colourful apron, was standing in front of a row of flowers, looking at him with a smile on his lips. Everything about that picture felt incredibly wrong, like it was straight out of one of Dan’s nightmares, and Dan pinched himself hard to make sure that he wasn’t actually dreaming. 

“No,” he whispered, because he couldn’t quite believe that this was actually happening to him. But then Alex stepped forward.

“Dan,” he said, in a way that made Dan’s skin crawl. He really hadn’t missed his voice.

Unsure of what else to do, Dan stepped backwards but Alex was faster in having assessed the situation and acting on it than Dan and was already in front of him.

“I knew you’d come back eventually.” Alex smiled at him.

“What?” Dan said dumbfounded. Maybe he was still dreaming and Alex would turn into a tentacle monster any second?

“I knew you’d come back to me,” Alex said and reached for Dan’s arm. As soon as his fingers touched Dan’s skin, the meaning of his words sunk in.

“No!” Dan exclaimed and forced Alex’s hand off his arm. The word came out more forceful than he’d meant it to and he could feel everyone in the café looking at them and the little scene they’d created.

“Dan, no need to get so loud,” Alex reprimanded him, with a not so subtle look at the other customers.

“I’ll be as loud as I want to,” Dan spat, not caring about anyone else in the shop. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Dan, please,” Alex pleaded. “Let’s just talk about this somewhere else, yeah?”

Dan couldn’t stop himself from laughing at that. “I’m not going anywhere with you,” he said and shook his head. At an earlier time in his life he would’ve taken up Alex’s offer, but he wasn’t in love with him anymore and he knew that once he gave one tiny particle of himself, Alex would take everything. No, Dan was going to stay strong this time and not give in, no matter what Alex said or did.

“You’re being unreasonable, Dan,” Alex sighed. 

“I…  _ I’m  _ the one being unreasonable?” Dan asked incredulously. He couldn’t believe that he’d actually been in a relationship with the man stood in front of him for almost seven years. Being away from Alex had clearly opened Dan’s eyes and changed his perspective on him more than Dan thought it had.

“Look, I’m sorry about what happened but you didn’t have to cut things off so abruptly. You didn’t even let me explain properly.”

Dan could only gape at Alex. This conversation turned too much into the direction of the one they’d had after Dan had caught Alex cheating. He was making it out to be Dan’s fault entirely. 

“You don’t need to  _ explain  _ something that I  _ saw  _ you doing!” Dan spat, losing his patience. His initial shock at unexpectedly seeing Alex had worn off and was now being replaced by anger.

“What’s going on?”

Dan spun around to see Phil standing next to him, confusion evident on his face. 

Fear began clawing it’s way inside of Dan and he felt cold all of a sudden. This wasn’t how Phil was supposed to find out about Dan’s past. As soon as Alex opened his mouth, Phil would surely realise what a fuck up Dan was and leave him. 

“Nothing,” Dan quickly said but couldn’t stop his voice from going high, betraying that he was lying.

“You remember that boyfriend I told you about?” Alex suddenly said and Dan could only stare at him. What the hell was Alex talking about?

“This is him.”

Dan could see the exact moment the meaning of Alex’s words registered in Phil’s mind because his eyes went wide and he looked from Alex to Dan, confusion, disbelief and fear visible on his features. 

“ _ Phil _ ,” Dan whispered, paralysed with fear. He hadn’t actually meant to say his name but then Phil reached out and took Dan’s hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly and Dan knew it had been the right thing to do. He couldn’t explain to Phil right now what was happening or that Alex was telling lies, but him and Phil seemed to connect on a level where he didn’t have to put all of that into words for Phil to understand him. Dan was very grateful for that as he managed to squeeze Phil’s hand back.

“He didn’t tell you?” Alex scoffed and looked Dan up and down as if he was the most disgusting person he’d ever come across. It was like the last few minutes had never happened.

Before Phil could utter anything, Dan stepped forward. “ _ Fuck off _ ,” he spat with as much venom as he could. He would not let Alex ruin what him and Phil had. He’d ruined enough of Dan’s life as it was, he would not get any more space in it.

“I think you should leave,” Phil said politely and if the situation hadn’t been so tense and hadn’t made Dan want to throw up, then he might’ve laughed at Phil’s polite behaviour.

“You know what, Dan, I’m glad you left,” Alex said coldly, completely ignoring Phil and seemingly having changed his approach upon seeing that he didn’t have a chance at breaking Dan and Phil apart. “You’re too whiny, a shit kisser and even worse in bed. I can’t believe I even put up with you.”

The words hurt, Dan wasn’t going to lie, but in a way they made it easier for him to finally be done with that chapter of his life.  

“Well, I could say the same about you,” he replied. It was a low blow but he wasn’t going to leave this without trying to hurt Alex at least a little bit back, even if it was petty.

Alex only scoffed at that. “Good luck with him,” he said to Phil and then walked out of the door, still wearing Phil’s apron. 

As if someone had pushed a button, the chatter from the patrons resumed, leaving Dan and Phil to the illusion that no one had paid attention to them and had already forgotten about what had happened. Dan knew that they’d be the talk of town for ages until something similarly entertaining happened, but he didn’t care about that right now.

“Phil,” he started, turning towards him. Their fingers were still intertwined but Dan wasn’t sure how much it was habit and how much Phil actually wanted to hold his hand at this point.

“It’s okay,” Phil said with a tired smile. “We’ll talk about it after work.”

“Okay,” Dan said, not quite trusting himself to say anything else. He wanted to protest and explain, but he could see how closed off Phil had become in the last minute and that he would need some time to properly sort out his thoughts.

Phil pressed a quick kiss to Dan’s cheek and then walked up to the counter, starting to rummage around behind it. Dan stood rooted to the spot for a moment, just looking at Phil, and then turned around and left. 

Despite the heat outside Dan felt the coldness seeping into his bones, giving him a headache. As he tried to open the door to his shop, he realised that he was shaking. He didn’t bother turning around the sign. He wasn’t in any condition to work right now, as emotional as he was, so he sat down on the chair in the backroom that Phil had sat in when Dan had tattooed him. 

He was trying really hard not to start crying but regardless, he felt wetness on his cheeks. He should be happy that Alex finally left but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d ruined the relationship he’d had with Phil, even though Phil had stuck with him. That had only been instinct though, hadn’t it? If Phil knew the whole story, surely he wouldn’t want to be with him anymore, especially because Dan hadn’t told him the whole truth. 

More tears started to come, sobs wracking his body.

He’d really fucked up, hadn’t he?

*

Dan sat on his sofa, his fingers tapping a restless rhythm onto his thighs as he waited for Phil to arrive. He hadn’t stayed in his shop for very long and had braved the outside world, not even caring that it was obvious at first glance that he’d cried. Everyone was talking about him already. It didn’t matter if they were going to gossip even more at this point.

He’d let himself fall straight onto his bed as soon as he came home, falling asleep from all of the exhaustion, and only woke up to his phone vibrating in his front pocket. It’d been a text from Phil, asking if he could come over after work. Dan had looked at the text for quite a while, debating whether or not he could delay talking to Phil any longer. 

He was afraid that Phil was going to come over to break up with him. If not right away then after Dan had told him everything. A voice in the back of his mind that suspiciously sounded a lot like Louise told him that Phil wasn’t going to break up with him if he’d endured grumpy-Dan without coffee and weird-Dan sending him texts at three in the morning. That didn’t reassure him, though, and only reminded him of how annoying he could be, which in turn made him worry even more.

He’d groaned, covering his face with his hands, and wished that he was somewhere else. Preferably Phil’s couch, snuggled up to Phil while watching a movie and bickering with him over who got the last slice of pizza. Picturing him and Phil made Dan smile and he picked up his phone from where he’d carelessly let it fall next to him on the duvet. He needed to at least be honest with Phil, even if Phil mightn’t want him anymore afterwards, so he’d sent him a text telling him to come over whenever it suited him best. 

Dan looked at his phone for the umpteenth time, even though he doubted Phil would text him again. It was unusual for them to go this long without at least sending each other a few random texts, but it emphasised the seriousness of the situation and convinced Dan that Phil was actually mad at him, otherwise Phil would have sent him  _ something  _ by now. 

Dan was pulled out of his thoughts as the bell rang and for a moment he considered not getting up and just staying where he was, but then he was already on the way to the door, his body carrying him there without a conscious decision to do so.

Dan barely noticed his hand shaking as he pressed the top right button on the intercom system to let Phil in. He opened the door and felt silly standing in the doorway, waiting for Phil to come up the stairs like he had all those times when Phil had visited him. This time it felt wrong and Dan felt off-course, like this entire situation was out of his hands. 

Phil appeared, walking up the stairs, the usual bounce in his steps gone. He looked tired and kind of sad and Dan immediately felt guilt pooling in his stomach. All of this was his fault and Phil was the one who had to suffer from it.

“Hey,” Phil said when he reached the door.

“Hi,” Dan murmured, stepping to the side to let Phil in.

Phil walked past him, took off his shoes without uttering a word and stepped straight into the living room. At least he wasn’t going to leave straight away if he’d bothered taking off his shoes. Dan followed him and sat down on the couch next to him, albeit with a bit of space between them.

“I’m sorry,” Dan blurted out the second Phil looked at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

Phil sighed as he adjusted his glasses, pushing them further up his nose. He looked fed up with Dan and Dan quickly focused his gaze on his fingers instead of seeing Phil’s disappointment and irritation that no doubt had to be visible on his face. 

“Dan,” Phil said then and Dan knew this was it. He could hear it from the tone of his voice. He bit his lip hard to stop himself from showing too many emotions that would make Phil think even worse of him.

“Dan, look at me.”

Reluctantly Dan lifted his gaze and his breath audibly hitched as he took Phil in. He leant towards Dan with that look he always got whenever Dan caught him staring when Dan hadn’t been paying attention. 

“Honestly, I’m a bit confused as to what’s going on,” Phil confessed. “I…,” he started and then raked a hand through his hair. “Would you explain to me what happened earlier?” he asked in a soft voice.

“I… yeah,” Dan replied, surprised about Phil’s behaviour. He frantically thought about what to say and where to start as he suddenly felt Phil’s warm hand on his thigh.

“Take as much time as you need,” Phil said and all Dan wanted to do in that moment was to hug Phil and never let him go. He could feel his eyes starting to sting and bit his lip in order not to cry.

“The guy you… the guy in your shop,” Dan started, “is my ex.”

Dan risked a quick glance to Phil whose demeanour hadn’t changed. 

“He, um, he…,” Dan trailed off. He drew in a shaky breath. He knew he needed to just tell Phil about Alex and what had happened but it was difficult to find the right words. 

“He’s the reason I moved here. I wanted to get a fresh start, I  _ needed  _ to get a fresh start, somewhere he wouldn’t follow me.” Dan couldn’t help but laugh miserably at that and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Fuck,” he cursed. “I just…  _ shit _ , let me start again.” 

He looked over to Phil who nodded reassuringly. “Of course.”

“Okay,” Dan said, nodding as well. “Okay, so, I met Alex when I was sixteen and for some reason he liked me and asked me out on dates and I-” Dan groaned, remembering how stupid he’d been as a teenager. “I actually believed he liked me because he was always nice and sweet and caring when we were alone. But he was part of this gang at school that bullied people and no one knew that we were an item, so he was forced by his peers to bully me too. I mean, obviously he wasn’t forced but that’s how I justified it to myself at the time,” Dan explained, thinking back to PJ’s words all those years ago. “After I wanted to break up with him, things changed. I wasn’t bullied anymore, at least not physically.” Dan could hear Phil make a noise at that but when Dan looked at him, he just signalled him to go on.

“Anyway, we stayed together after graduating, Alex became a tattoo artist and I soon wanted to do the same thing. We opened up this tattoo parlour in London. Alex mostly dealt with the piercings while I did all the other stuff, like tattoos and all of that financial crap that he didn’t want to do.”

Dan’s gaze fell upon the yellow orchid Phil had given him at his first visit. “I should’ve realised,” he whispered. “I should’ve realised straight away but I didn’t.”

Dan felt Phil’s hand move reassuringly over his thigh, the warmth of his hand seeping through his jeans.

“He cheated on me,” Dan finally said, closing his eyes. “He cheated on me multiple times with multiple people and he blamed me when I caught him in the act.”

“Dan,” Phil whispered and suddenly Dan was in his arms and he felt tears roll down his cheeks. He pressed his face into Phil’s t-shirt, inhaling the familiar scent of that ridiculous raspberry body wash Phil used mixed with his aftershave. 

“He…,” Dan tried and sobbed. It hurt to even think about the words Louise had told him. He’d never said it out loud, had never really admitted to himself that Alex’s and his relationship had not been what Dan had wanted it to be. “He emotionally abused me,” Dan whispered into Phil’s t-shirt. He wasn’t sure if Phil had heard but now that the reality of it was out in the open, it was easier for Dan to accept it.

Phil brushed Dan’s hair out of his eyes and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Thank you for telling me,” he said and leant back a bit so he was able to look at Dan properly. 

“I understand why you didn’t want to tell me about him and I’m sorry I let him into your life again.”

Dan drew in a shaky breath and wiped away the tears from his cheeks. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said quietly, kind of feeling nothing, now that Phil knew what a mess Dan was. 

“It wasn’t yours either,” Phil replied, grabbing Dan’s hand and letting his thumb stroke over Dan’s skin.

Dan just shrugged. He should’ve known Alex would come looking for him sooner or later. Everything had been too perfect.

“No, listen to me,” Phil insisted. “It’s  _ not  _ your fault. You broke up with him and  _ he  _ was the one who followed you here, despite you obviously not wanting him to. He didn’t respect your boundaries.”

Dan focused on one of the little crossbows on Phil’s t-shirt. “Yeah, he didn’t,” he mumbled.

“If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable, please tell me, yeah? Even if it’s the smallest thing,” Phil said. “I never want to hurt you.”

Dan looked up at that and saw how serious Phil was. Did that mean that Phil didn’t want to break up with him despite Dan’s behaviour?

“You-,” he stopped himself and his gaze fell upon their intertwined hands. “You still want to be with me?”

Phil physically recoiled at that but quickly caught himself and squeezed Dan’s hand. “Of course, why wouldn’t I?” he asked, confusion and worry mixed in his high pitched voice.

“I lied to you.”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed. “You didn’t lie to me,” he replied slowly. “You just didn’t tell me about your ex. Which is fine. I haven’t told you about any of my exes.”

“So you’re not mad?” Dan asked incredulously. 

“Why would I be mad?”

Dan shrugged, not able to put his feelings into words in order for Phil to understand how much his past still affected him. 

“I’m not mad,” Phil eventually said, brushing his fingers through Dan’s fringe. “I was confused about what was going on, but I know you, Dan. And I know we haven’t really talked about our relationship yet, but I really like you and I want to be with you, if you still want that, too.”

“Of course I still want that,” Dan quickly replied, a small smile tugging at his lips at the amount of relief that he felt. “Of  _ course  _ I do.” 

“Okay, good,” Phil said and smiled. Dan felt overwhelmed with fondness at the happy look on Phil’s face, even though it was tinged with exhaustion.

“I’m sorry this is such a mess,” Dan apologised. He wasn’t sure if he meant the entire situation or himself.

“You’re not a mess,” Phil insisted and Dan couldn’t stop himself from properly smiling at that. Phil understood him even when he didn’t understand himself and he was so grateful in that moment to have him in his life, that he didn’t know how to express it, apart from going back to his usual self. 

“No, you’re right,” Dan replied, not able to keep a grin from his face. “I’m trash.”

Phil full on laughed at that, shaking Dan in the process since he was still leaning on him. Dan sat up so that their sides were still touching but that they were at eye level with each other.

“We still need to talk about your boundaries but I think we should just relax now and do that another time,” Phil said after he’d stopped laughing, getting serious again for a moment.

“Okay, yeah,” Dan breathed, relieved that he didn’t have to talk about another difficult topic for him. He knew they should’ve had this conversation ages ago, when he’d freaked out after Phil had tried to kiss him that first time in Phil’s flat, but he couldn’t change the past. He was just glad that Phil still wanted to be in his life regardless, because he made Dan smile and feel happy and was generally a beacon of hope for him.

They decided to order in - pepperoni pizza as it’d become a tradition of sorts by now - and watch a movie to unwind. Dan snuggled up to Phil on the couch, closer than he normally did, and Phil put his arm around Dan, pulling him in closer still. 

Dan fell asleep after the first half hour of the movie but when he woke up in his bed the next morning, with a note at his side saying that Phil was just out to get them some food for breakfast - Dan might or might not have forgotten to go food shopping again - he didn’t mind. Because he still had so much more time left to spend with Phil and therefore many evenings that he was going to be able to snuggle up to him.

*

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Dan asked for about the hundredth time that evening.

“ _ Yes _ ,” Phil chuckled. “We need to start eating healthier.”

“Whatever you say, Mr I-actually- _ like _ -salad,” Dan scoffed, trying to imitate Phil’s northern accent while dutifully stirring the tomato sauce.

“At least I try,” Phil replied as he looked at the time to see if the pasta was ready to be tasted, “and not shove crisps and popcorn into my mouth every opportunity I get.”

“Now that’s just mean,” Dan complained but smiled as Phil bumped his hip.

“Don’t distract me,” he laughed, “otherwise this is going to end up like last time.”

“Not while I’m in charge.”

Dan just laughed loudly at that, the sound of his laughter making Phil smile lightly. 

“What? I always have a plan,” Phil defended himself.

“You never have a plan.” Dan rolled his eyes but Phil could see fondness in them when Dan looked at him. 

Ever since their talk - not only about Alex but also about both of their boundaries - their relationship had made significant progress in terms of being completely honest with each other. It was one thing that Phil valued about them; their communication made being with each other easier, more comfortable and Phil wouldn’t have wanted to change it for the world.

“Hello, earth to Phil,” Dan said while waving his arm in front of Phil’s face.

“Er, yeah, I’m here,” Phil said, coming back into the present.

Dan just chuckled softly and rolled his eyes at Phil obviously having spaced out. He proceeded to take the pasta off the heat and poured it into the drainer. 

Phil automatically turned off the stove completely, not really paying attention to what his fingers were doing, but instead watching Dan. There was nothing even remotely sexy or even romantic about pouring pasta into a drainer and yet Phil couldn’t help but smile at Dan, a feeling of fondness and happiness bubbling up in him. 

Before he knew what he was doing, Phil reached for Dan, pulling him away from the pasta and into his arms. Dan had an amused expression on his face as he settled into Phil’s half embrace and let his hand rest on Phil’s hip. 

“Everything okay?” Dan asked, lifting an eyebrow. He was still lightly grinning at Phil.

“Very much so,” Phil murmured back and leant forward, letting their noses touch gently, making Dan grin even more. Phil closed the remaining space between them and pressed his lips to Dan’s. Dan instantly responded and buried his other hand in Phil’s hair, the kiss getting heated as Phil opened his mouth to let Dan in. 

They broke apart after a while, both not wanting the kiss to go further. They were leaning against each other, their foreheads touching, and just looked at each other.

“Thank you,” Phil eventually whispered after pressing a quick kiss to Dan’s lips.

“What for?” Dan asked, surprise showing on his features. 

“Just for you being you,” Phil replied, an answering smile tugging at his lips as Dan’s whole face lit up with how much he was smiling. He tightened his hold on Phil, letting the hand that’d previously been buried in Phil’s hair circle around Phil’s waist. 

“I love you,” he then said with a soft voice. 

“I love you, too.” Phil kissed him again, trying to put his feelings for Dan into the kiss. He knew it was impossible to show Dan everything he felt for him in a kiss as much as those three simple words couldn’t contain Phil’s actual love for Dan, but he was confident that in moments like this he got as close as he ever could to showing Dan at least a part of his love for him. 

*

Phil woke up with a warm body pressed against his back, Dan’s arm thrown over his waist. As he slowly blinked open his eyes he noticed that the sun had already come up, dousing the room in dim light. Since Dan didn’t like any room he slept in to be completely dark, Phil had taken to not closing the blinds all the way, which also meant that he woke up to sunlight drifting through the window most of the time. He didn’t mind though, as it made it possible for him to watch Dan sleep for a few moments. He always looked peaceful and adorably cute, his face void of all the stress and pressure that a twentythree year old definitely should not have to deal with. 

Today, however, Phil only shuffled backwards a bit to be even closer to Dan since he didn’t want to wake him by turning around. Dan made a small noise in his sleep and unconsciously tightened his grip on Phil, his hand bunching up a fistful of Phil’s t-shirt as his nose brushed Phil’s neck, his warm breath tickling his skin.

Phil sighed almost inaudibly and let his hand wander down Dan’s arm to his hand. Immediately, Dan’s grip loosened and Phil was able to slip his fingers between Dan’s, his thumb stroking tiny circles onto Dan’s skin. 

The silence in the room was only interrupted by their breathing, Dan’s slow and even breaths calming Phil to the point where his eyes started to droop. Eventually, he closed his eyes again, enjoying the presence of Dan close behind him, and felt tiredness tug at his limbs, trying to pull him back to sleep. He could feel himself falling when Dan moved behind him, effectively dragging him back into wakefulness when he pressed his leg in between Phil’s.

Phil could tell that Dan was in the process of waking up. They’d slept in the same bed enough times for him to know that Dan emitted the most adorable of sounds whilst waking up. This time, however, they were tinged with a quiet moan, Dan’s breathing picking up almost inaudibly as he gently grinded himself into Phil, probably not even aware of what he was doing in his half asleep state. Phil couldn’t help but press back, a tinge of arousal shooting through him as he noticed that Dan was already half hard.  

“ _ Phil _ ,” Dan moaned breathily as he grinded his hips into Phil’s back again, definitely awake now. He pressed his mouth to Phil’s neck, kissing the skin there that should’ve been tanned from all the gardening but was still as pale as ever. 

All Phil was able to do was respond with a long sigh as Dan started peppering kisses down his neck and nibbled at the skin above the collar of his shirt. His hand unwinded from Phil’s grip and slowly moved towards the hem of Phil’s shirt, his fingertips crawling underneath and pressing against Phil’s stomach.

“I want to see you,” Phil breathed, pressing back into Dan and relishing in the tiny gasp Dan uttered. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Dan just said, immediately letting go of Phil so it was easier for him to turn around. 

Dan’s hand found its way under Phil’s shirt again the minute Phil had settled down on his side, facing Dan. For a moment they just looked at each other, Phil taking in Dan’s blown pupils, the slight blush dusting his cheeks and the way he was biting his bottom lip as if he was trying to stop himself from surging forward and kissing Phil. 

Phil reached out and gently laid his hand on Dan’s jaw, stroking over the smooth skin there with his thumb. They both leant forward at the same time, their lips meeting in a heated kiss as Phil licked into Dan’s mouth. 

His entire body felt like it was on fire when Dan pulled him even closer, slotting his leg between Phil’s again. Phil couldn’t help but grind forward and his groan matched Dan’s as their clothed erections rubbed against each other, momentarily interrupting their kiss. 

“Dan,” Phil breathed, his hand buried in Dan’s hair which was starting to curl on his forehead due to the heat between them. 

Dan just pressed another kiss to Phil’s lip in answer and then his jaw and down his neck, leaving Phil gasping for breath. He’d never felt this intense, had never thought it possible for another person to make him feel this way, but here Dan was, taking away his breath as if it was the most simple thing in the world for him.

But as much as Phil wanted this, he wasn’t sure if Dan wanted it as much as him. They had talked about this, of course, and had decided not to rush into anything. But if the situation arose, they both wouldn’t be averse to it. Still, if Dan wasn’t in this with a hundred percent then Phil didn’t want to continue. He didn’t want Dan to feel uncomfortable in any way and he certainly didn’t want Dan to have sex with him just because Phil wanted it and therefore felt like he needed to continue. 

He tangled his fingers in Dan’s hair and tugged lightly, effectively stopping Dan in nibbling on his skin.

“Dan,” Phil said breathlessly and Dan looked up at him through his dark lashes. He looked utterly beautiful, an open expression on his face. 

“Are you sure?” Phil asked as they stared at each other.

“Yes, Phil,” Dan said, a bit of sarcasm dripping from his voice, and slowly started to smile. “I am sure,” he added, this time more serious. 

“Okay.” Phil nodded to himself, and then Dan was closer again, pressing his lips to Phil’s and licking into his mouth and Phil couldn’t stop the moan that escaped him. He rolled his hips forward into Dan’s, making Dan moan against Phil’s skin where he’d started to press kisses onto his neck again, and suddenly Phil was on his back with Dan on top of him. 

It was a better position than before, Dan’s weight pressing him into the bed, and he grabbed Dan’s ass to grind their crotches together.

“God,  _ Phil _ ,” Dan moaned, his warm breath ghosting over Phil’s face as he attempted to kiss Phil while simultaneously grinding into him. 

Phil couldn’t even respond with anything, despite his brain singing  _ Yes, Yes, Yes _ , so he just pushed his hands under Dan’s shirt, his fingers roaming over the smooth skin of his back. 

“Off,” Dan demanded, sitting up and tugging at Phil’s shirt. “This needs to come off.”

Phil couldn’t help but laugh at Dan’s agitation. “Impatient, are we?” he teased, but let himself be dragged into a sitting position so that Dan could pull his shirt off. He threw it somewhere to his right and as soon as his hands were free again, they roamed over Phil’s chest.

“This needs to be touched up,” Dan said almost absentmindedly as he caught sight of Phil’s tattoo.

Phil just hummed in response and fell back into the sheets again, sighing as Dan continued his earlier kisses down Phil’s chest, lightly nibbling at the skin of his stomach and then going further down, teasing the skin above his pyjama pants. Phil closed his eyes and reveled in Dan’s soft touches, although he was painfully avoiding the area Phil would’ve liked him paying more attention to.

“Dan,” he whined and lifted his hips slightly. 

“Now who’s impatient?” Dan laughed and crawled up his body to be able to kiss Phil again, his erection pressing into Phil’s thigh, making Phil’s fingers itch with the desire to touch Dan. He gave into it and let one of his hands wander under Dan’s shirt again while the other one was still tangled in Dan’s hair. Just as Dan was about to start kissing Phil’s neck again - it seemed to have quickly become his favourite spot - Phil kissed along his jaw, Dan immediately becoming pliant above him.

“ _ Fuck, yes _ ,” Dan whimpered when Phil mouthed at his neck and outright moaned as Phil lightly nibbled at the skin, adamant at leaving a mark on Dan. The sounds Dan uttered throughout Phil biting and sucking at his skin made arousal shoot through Phil and his movements became more desperate. 

“Your,” Phil started, his voice hoarse. “Your shirt needs to come off.”

At first it seemed like Dan hadn’t heard him but when Phil didn’t continue giving attention to Dan’s neck, he sat up, ripping his shirt off up his head and discarding it in the same direction he’d thrown Phil’s. 

Phil’s breath caught as his eyes wandered over Dan’s chest. Of course he’d kind of guessed that Dan would have more tattoos than the ones on his arms but he hadn’t really thought about it too closely. Now however, he couldn’t tear his gaze away from the giant tattoo across Dan’s chest. It looked to be a galaxy, although Phil couldn’t tell which one exactly. Instinctively, he reached out and let his fingers move over the ink in Dan’s body. He was so focused on the tattoo that he almost didn’t notice how rigid and quiet Dan had become. 

When he looked up, he saw Dan stare at Phil’S hand with an unreadable expression. Phil quickly withdrew his hand, immediately feeling the loss of Dan’s warm skin beneath his fingertips. 

“Sorry,” he blurted out, sure that he’d pushed Dan too far. He wanted to sit up and move away from Dan but as soon as he’d started to get up, Dan gently laid his hand on his chest, pressing him back into the sheets.

“No, it’s okay,” he murmured, looking apologetic. “I just… I’m not used to it, is all.” 

“Okay,” Phil said and smiled reassuringly at Dan. “Tell me when I’m making you uncomfortable, okay?”

“Of course,” Dan smiled and then he leant down to kiss Phil again, tentative at first but getting firmer the more time went on. 

Phil was still hesitant at putting too much emphasis on Dan’s tattoos despite Dan’s reassurance, so he carefully avoided touching them, settling his fingers on Dan’s hips. Dan, however, seemed to have no qualms at touching every part of Phil he could reach, making him seem almost desperate, like he thought this was going to be the last time of them being this close to each other. Phil slowed their kisses and stroked Dan’s sides comfortingly, so that he would relax.

“Dan,” Phil gasped as Dan caught his earlobe between his teeth, tugging lightly at it. He could probably hear from Phil’s tone of voice that it hadn’t only been him moaning Dan’s name in pleasure, because he stopped and lifted his head. 

“Can I…,” he trailed off, not sure what exactly he wanted apart from making Dan feel good. He didn’t notice his grip on Dan’s hip tightening. 

Dan just looked at him, searching for something in his eyes, and Phil could see Dan’s openness, the vulnerable expression on his face, sweat forming on his forehead making his hair curl, the unsurety on his features. A few seconds later, however, he seemed to have found whatever he was looking for and nodded.

“Yes,” he said, his voice breaking, climbing off of Phil and letting himself fall down next to him, gesturing for Phil to follow.  

Phil hovered above Dan, uncertain of what he was expecting, but Dan quickly grabbed one of Phil’s hands and positioned it on his galaxy tattoo, clearly showing Phil what to do. 

After one last look at Dan, causing him to smile at Phil’s hesitance, he leant down to admire the tattoo properly. At first glance, it looked like a photo. And even upon further inspection it still looked incredibly realistic. The swirls of different shades of blue and pink tinged with muted yellows and dots of white stretched over the canvas of Dan’s skin. Phil traced the various colours with his fingers and then, after a moment of hesitation, followed with his mouth. Dan gasped above him and laid his hand on Phil’s head, fingers slipping into his hair but not tugging at it. It encouraged Phil to keep going and soon enough he closed his lips around Dan’s nipple, immediately getting a reaction out of Dan, who moaned loudly and grinded his hips into Phil’s.

Phil looked up and saw that Dan had closed his eyes and his mouth had fallen open. Not only seemed his neck to be a sensitive area but his nipples as well and Phil decided to pay special attention to them, licking and biting at the current one and then kissing his way over to the other one, leaving Dan panting heavily beneath him.

Only as Phil leant up on his hands next to Dan, he noticed the other tattoo on Dan’s stomach. At first, he didn’t quite know what he was looking at but then he realised that it was supposed to be a tail, the spiky end of it pointing directly at Dan’s heart. It swooped down to his hip and then disappeared round his back, its surface lined with dark red scales. 

“Can I see the rest of it?” Phil asked, his voice sounding incredibly loud in the silence of the room. He looked up to Dan who was already watching him with half-lidded eyes.

Dan nodded and proceeded to roll onto his front, letting Phil see the massive tattoo that covered his back. As it turned out, the tail continued to the lower right half of Dan’s back, continuously getting thicker until it overflowed into a beautiful, deeply red dragon, shown from its side. It reminded Phil a lot of Smaug, the movie version, but the head was different from where it was tattooed onto Dan’s left shoulder blade. It was more graceful and agile and its long tongue flowed out of its mouth, flaring upwards like fire. Its entire body seemed to have been made with fire in mind with swirls of red, orange and yellow flowing into each other. 

The most distinctive feature of the tattoo, however, was the text the dragon held in its front claws. The text seemed familiar but Phil couldn’t quite place it. The individual claws pierced through some of the letters, essentially holding them up. Obviously, Phil didn’t know the complete story or Dan’s thoughts about the tattoo but from what he was able to see, it probably signified Dan’s decision to do what  _ he  _ wanted, despite other people telling him otherwise. 

Phil let his finger wander over the first row of letters softly. The skin felt soft under his fingers and the ink was still completely black, as if Dan had only gotten the tattoo recently. 

_ I won't let you control my feelings anymore _

Phil leant down to press a kiss next two the second row and he could hear Dan sigh quietly. 

_ And I will no longer do as I am told _

The last line made Phil touch the letters again, specifically focusing on the last word. He knew that it wasn’t meant for him, it was  _ Dan’s  _ tattoo after all, and it probably didn’t refer to every person out there, but he still felt a twinge of sadness at the thought of someone hurting Dan. Of course, he knew about the person that had hurt Dan the most but he was determined to protect Dan from ever feeling that way again. 

_ And I am no longer afraid to walk alone _

“It’s Muse,” Dan suddenly said, startling Phil. He’d kind of spaced out while he was looking at the tattoo but now he remembered the song. Normally, he didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics of songs, he just liked the melodies. That’s why he prefered instrumental music. But for some strange reason he was able to recall the lyrics to this particular song. Probably because he’d liked it so much when he’d first listened to it. 

“The Handler,” he murmured absentmindedly, tracing the simple curves of the letters again. 

“‘s nice,” Dan sighed. He’d his head pillowed on his arms and his eyes were shut. Phil wasn’t quite sure what exactly he was referring to but guessed that it was the way Phil was touching him. 

Phil knew Dan would tell him the stories behind his tattoos one day but for now he was satisfied with just looking at them without knowing what exact meanings they held. They still complemented Dan’s body and personality regardless but he’d rather focus on making Dan feel good right now, so he leant forwards again and started kissing his way from Dan’s neck down between his shoulder blades and his back, gently biting at the skin above Dan’s waistband after some prompting from Dan. 

Soon Dan was on his back again and their limbs were tangled up in each other, sweat making their remaining clothes stick to their skin. They languidly and desperately moved against each other at the same time, trying to make this last as long as they could while pleasuring the other as much as possible. 

Afterwards they laid curled up together on the bed, Dan’s head pillowed on Phil’s chest - the side where his tattoo was - and Phil felt this overwhelming surge of love for Dan when his fingers carded through Dan’s locks, making Dan sigh contentedly. He didn’t think he’d ever get over how much Dan meant to him. Maybe he’d get used to this feeling of hopelessly being in love, maybe it would fade into a constant hum, hiding in the background. But maybe he wouldn’t ever get used to it, still feeling his stomach flip because Dan smiled at him, or made some stupid pun, or just from the way he sometimes got that fond look, completely mirroring how Phil was feeling. And that was okay. Phil could live with that. 

After all, Dan would forever be tattooed onto his heart. 

*

_ Epilogue _

“Phil, we can’t get a dog,” Dan said for the umpteenth time. 

“It doesn’t have to be a big one,” Phil reasoned. 

They were standing on the only platform the small train station consisted of, waiting for the train from London. The sun was beating down on them relentlessly and Dan regretted having chosen completely black clothes for his outfit this morning as he was already sweating profusely. 

“I can’t even keep a plant alive, how do you expect me to care for a dog properly?” Dan sighed. They’d had this exact discussion about ten times already but Phil was adamant at changing Dan’s mind.

“A dog is not a plant,” Phil replied. “You’d be better with a dog.”

“I really wouldn’t,” Dan said just as the announcement for the incoming train came through the speakers distributed throughout the tiny station building and all over the platform, interrupting their conversation.

Dan absentmindedly chewed on his lower lip, making it bleed. He couldn’t help it, though. It was a nervous tick he wasn’t able to suppress. 

“It’ll be fine,” Phil reassured him suddenly, like he’d been reading Dan’s mind.

Dan just nodded and watched anxiously as the train rolled into the station, coming to an abrupt stop. Passengers started exiting the carriages but Dan only had eyes for a blonde woman coming towards them. 

“Dan!” she exclaimed, when she spotted them and hastily made a beeline around the other ten passengers getting out at the stop. 

Dan met her halfway, dragging Phil with him by their still intertwined hands. As soon as she was close enough, she engulfed Dan in an almost bruising hug, squeezing all air out of his lungs and separating him and Phil.

“Uh, Lou,” Dan got out, although he was secretly enjoying having her in his arms again after going such a long time without her.

“Sorry, sorry,” she said and let go, patting his head. Then she turned towards Phil who, despite his earlier words, now looked more nervous than Dan had felt. 

“Hello, I’m Phil,” he introduced himself politely, and Dan couldn’t suppress a slight snicker. 

“Louise. I’ve heard all about you,” she replied, an eager expression on her face. “Apparently, you’re the man who’s stolen away Dan’s heart.”

“ _ Lou _ ,” Dan protested but was blatantly ignored.

“Well,” Phil said sheepishly, “I wouldn’t say stolen.” His gaze wandered over to Dan and a smile appeared on his lips. “I like to think he gave it to me willingly.”

Dan didn’t even try to hide the big grin that threatened to split his face in half. He didn’t know why he’d been nervous in the first place. Of course, Louise would like Phil. Hell, he might have to fend her off at the end of the week if he wasn’t careful. 

Before he was able to say anything in return, Louise had linked their arms and began dragging him with her. Phil had politely offered to take her suitcase, lagging behind a bit.

“I like him,” Louise said confidently, nudging her elbow into Dan’s stomach. 

Dan looked back at Phil who’d managed to catch up and was smiling at him widely. 

“Yeah, me, too,” Dan breathed. 


End file.
